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female
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anonymous
writes: I am 24 years old. One year ago, I met a guy online who lives in another part of the country. We got along very well from the beginning, both of us have been very honest and open about ourselves. This carried on for months as friends, but there was sexual tension between us both almost from the start. He got rid of his computer 6 months ago, and since then we have kept in touch on the phone. We talk at least once daily, normally for hours at a time. He has helped me a great deal with personal issues-got me to go to the doctor and to see a therapist when i would never have done that before. I have lost over 50 lbs as a result of this. I am overweight, and this is something he has known all along. We both struggle with a lot of the same emotional issues- loneliness, depression, low self esteem... anyhow, he came out to visit me in February and stayed with me for 5 days. He came again at the end of March/beginning of April. Although we messed around a lot, We didnt actually have sex until the second visit.I have fallen in love with him. He also cares a great deal for me although neither of us has told the other the LOVE word (again, both have commitment issues). I have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life, and I want to be with him. He has an issue with my weight and has been honest with me from the beginning about it. He has a hard time with it because he is not used to caring for someone who isnt supermodel gorgeous. we talk constantly about missing each other since he lives so far away from me, and about what we want to do when we can spend time together again. he values our friendship very much, and I do as well.should I continue to hold on to hope that one day it is going to work out? Or should I Just give up that fantasy? I really feel like he is my soul mate/ that we were meant for one another. I havent ever felt anything close to this for anyone else in my entire life.
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (6 July 2005):
Obviously you care about this man deeply, but I would like to gently make you aware of some issues you have perhaps not thought about.You have lost 50 lbs. since you have been involved with this man.1) BRAVO for you for losing that weight...you go girl !2) You need to lose the weight for YOU...not for him.3) He has a right to set his own personal standards for who he is attracted to, but if he pressures you to lose weight in order to LIVE UP to his expectations, then the balance in your relationship is lop sided.4) Many men are attracted to heavier voluptuous females.Their motto is: "there's more to love"If you are unhappy with your weight...then continue losing it until you reach your goal...be confident & secure.Seek a man who accepts YOU for YOU...not a guy who tries to cram you into a supermodel mold...that's unfair.I'm sure he has physical attributes that could be "Improved" but you have accepted him the way he is.If weight is an issue with him NOW...it will continue to be.You may be head over heels in love with him at the present time, but if he makes it clear, he will only accept you if you are small & slender, that's a red flag & warning bell.Oprah had a special on overweight women & their mates.One woman had met a man, fell in love, married him & was very content being overweight, but he picked at her constantly, until finally he became a bully about it.Their marriage suffered & she was in constant turmoil.Finally they divorced and she saw a counsellor concerning her lack of self-esteem.When she learned to love herself & be happy with who she was, she lost the weight & now she feels fantastic !But she did it FOR HERSELF.Now he wants her back.Guess what her answer is?No way !!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2005): It can work if he can get past the weight issue. He's been honest with you. He simply does not like extra weight on a woman. Some guys have very particular tastes as to what they find physically attractive. Many women are this way about men. But..as a bigger woman there is nothing wrong with being curvy, confident and possessing style, though. Continue your lifestyle changes. Keep losing weight...get fit and healthy with exercise. Don't do this for him..do this for you. Your sense of humor, your intellect, your compassion means a lot to him, already...but he regards you as a good friend. And when you get to your goal weight and if he's still not interested..remember, they're are many more fish in the sea. You will find the fitter you get, the loneliness, the depressions, etc will lift and just fade away. Take it day by day...be happy and just enjoy. Get out there and live life and have fun. Congratulations for losing 50 pounds..keep it up and don't quit. The health benefits you will feel are fantastic.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2005): Even though you are losing weight, I think you are better off not pursuing a romantic relationship with this guy. The way he feels isn't going to magically disappear, though in time it may decrease. If you lose enough weight to get to a point where he's okay with it, you will always be worrying about your weight, terrified if you gain a few pounds.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (5 July 2005):
Dont you think it feels easier to tell him things because the first months of your relationship were online rather than face to face? Sometimes we tell things to strangers that we wouldnt tell even our closest friends. This may be giving you the idea you and he are really close.He sounds like he may be nothing more than a good friend and I dont think he wants any more from you than friendship.You say he has issues about your weight? I suppose its good he told you but how could he say that hes "not used to caring about someone who isnt supermodel gorgeous"? Is he like a supermodel? probably not. You both sound like lonely people,. try to get out more locally, perhaps join a group or class or meet up with old friends and dont devote every waking hour to this man. Keep him as a friend if you wish but I dont think he wants anything more from this relationship. also how well do you really know him??????
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