A
female
age
41-50,
*nglvette
writes:Me and my man have been together for 8 years. I've been posting different questions/problems to figure out some sort of clarity on what I need to do. He has 3 kids I have 2. Currently we live long distance. We have a huge communication problem. He can talk about anything he's interested in like UFC, wrestling, soccer, working out, etc in detail but can't talk to me about our problems or solutions for the problems without getting mad or upset. He usually can't talk about things in depth in regards to our issues. He refuses to email me or even respond to my emails because he'd rather talk about it but yet still doesn't talk about it. I've emailed him multiple times cause we usually end up in an argument on the phone hoping that we can open some sort of communication somewhere and hopefully it will spill over into other areas of communication. I fear tho I can't keep making the effort if he doesn't reciprocate. It's hard to fix the problems if we can't talk about it. He just can't open up about it and be understanding about anything it seems. If you're in a conversation you have to be able to express understanding and bring up your issues as well. Giving your own opinions and thoughts. Please let me know what you think and any ideas. We have tried to see a counselor over the summer and it seemed to help but now that schools starting we can't keep continuing it and it seems that it's back to before.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): hi I'm the same previous poster here.your bf sounds like he has deep seated insecurity issues if the slightest thing makes him shut down. People like this have really fragile egos, and as a result are incredibly difficult to have working relationships or personal relationships with. And they have to change or they will make their partners miserable. And miserable partners may leave them, or may just mentally check out of the relationship. try to see if you can make the counseling sessions more frequent to keep the momentum going. with more practice he will hopefully feel more at ease, slowly. It's very scary for him to change the way he behaves and control his reactions, to not go into automatic defensive mode. He has to re-program his brain, basically. with me, counseling is helping to some degree but I'm just too worn out by now, too little too late. that's what happens when this kind of situation goes on "too long" without being resolved. it's strange that in all other areas of my life - I work with a lot of people and in many high-stakes or high-stress situations - I am able to successfully negotiate difficult situations and communicate effectively . but not in my marriage - nothing works. It's because the other person (my husband) simply refuses to engage. Whereas in a work situation, people are ultimately forced to engage and not allowed to avoid conflict, not if they want to keep their jobs! also in a working relationship you can cope by distancing yourself emotionally from the other person. In a relationship, though, that's destructive.you can't change other people, that's one thing I've come to terms with. Some times no matter how much you're doing everything "right" the other person is dysfunctional and will. not. change. They've got their heels dug in the sand. So then you are faced with tough choices - continue on as is, or terminate the relationship?good luck!!
A
female
reader, anglvette +, writes (29 August 2011):
anglvette is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I completely agree with what you've said. I do feel as tho I have to walk on egg shells. There seems to be no way to bring up anything without him taking it the wrong way. I can try to bring up what we need to do to fix things or what I can do or the last resort he but that literally points the finger and he completely shuts down. Even if its something small for example: He's taking a math class and he tells me earlier today that he found a website that his math teacher is using. When I asked inquisitive like why he needed it or how he come across it he got upset with me and in his words crawling up his a@%. I didn't sound rude, didn't come across any other way, I just wanted to know some information about it. He made it clear to me that he wanted the information to check his answers so he got better grades. That's just one example. There's tons. But I do hope counseling helps you out. It did seem to help us out as well but usually only right after the appointments. In between it seems like he would drift away. I continue to do what I can, reading some books and looking at websites to find some other ways of talking and communicating. I'll keep pushing and seeing what happens. I just hope he'll try a little bit harder to meet me half way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): your relationship is doomed if this continues. my husband is like your bf and I was ready to divorce him after 11 years like this. we're now in marriage counseling and things have improved but I think it's too little too late.basically your bf is conflict avoidant. he has never learned that it's possible to deal with conflict in a healthy way that doesn't feel scary or threatening or lead to unpleasantness.part of it may have to do with you, like if your way of communicating about problems "scares" him or makes him really uncomfortable. like do you get blaming, accusing, over emotional, making him feel bad etc. if you do then it's no wonder he hates talking about relationship issues, because doing so means you end up making him feel bad.but if you can honestly say it's not anything to do with you - if you're already tip toeing and walking on eggshells trying so hard not to offend or upset him and he still gets mad or upset or avoidant no matter how gently you try to bring things up, then the problem is him. maybe his past experiences in past relationships or from his early years made him associated disagreement with threatening catastrophic losses. maybe his previous relationship was filled with a lot of high conflict and ended in disaster so he associates any argument as a sign of a relationship being doomed so that's why he's scared of conflict and wants to squash it. But this is just as dysfunctional and destructive to relationships as the high-conflict approach, they are two sides of the same coin. whatever the situation, you need to set aside the actual relationship problems (whether it's finances, etc.) and talk with him about the subject of not being able to talk with him. before you can discuss the issues you actually want to discuss, first you need to have a way to talk about them.be prepared that he will as usual shut down or get mad to make you shut up. You need to control yourself so that no matter what he does, you don't react to it and thereby get derailed. Yes this will require superhuman strength from you. But since you can't control him, you can only control yourself so you have to make sure that you're not contributing to the problem too. It's really hard when your partner is getting upset and mad at you when all you did is try to be rational and calm, but you have to just keep on doing that and tell him that you would like to talk about how you discuss things. Pretend you are a third party observer, and describe to him the pattern you see happening, in as neutral terms as possible (leave out loaded words). Leave out judgments on his character (for example don't say "you're so stubborn!") instead just describe the actions that are happening. For example tell him you notice that when you mention some topic, he starts raising his voice. That's not a judgment on his character, it's a neutral statement of what is happening. Then tell him how you feel but again leave out judgments on his character. DOnt say "you make me so mad!" instead say, "when you raise your voice I get mad." Ask him to give you suggestions on what you can do different to make him feel more at ease during conversations. if nothing else works, then tell him that the relationship can't continue like this and that this is a deal breaker.at least he did go with you to a counselor once. that shows he's at least got some willingness. I would suggest you continue the counseling. often if one partner is so avoidant of you, it's only when there's a third party mediator that anything can get done. I know it's very hard and frustrating for you, but the point is that you can't let him off the hook, you have to keep bringing it up even if he refuses to engage with you. Conflict avoidance gives him the illusion of peace and comfort but in the long run it will kill the relationship because all these misunderstandings and resentements will build and fester without being allowed any way to get resolved.
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