A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello!I've been fixating on a problem lately and I was hoping to get some advice. My husband and I are very different -- which is great, and it's one of the many reasons why I fell in love with him. But because we're so different, our individual friend circles are also different. His friends are funny and extroverted, but I'm shy and quiet. I always make an effort to push myself out of my comfort zone when I'm around his friends and his friends' wives because ultimately, they're important to him. My husband and I are the youngest married couple in the group, so it can feel hard to relate to the other wives when most of them have children, as much as I want to! The group is all very close with one another, and I suppose I feel a little excluded. My husband is also the type to complain about me to his friends. It stings. I try my hardest to not upset him but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Because of that, I feel like his friends don't like me or have some idea that I'm a wife who can't do anything right. I may be reading too much into things, but once, I remember sitting beside my husband in a restaurant with his friends, and one of his friends turned to him while I was right there and asked loudly, "What's your wife's name again?" Maybe because I'm too quiet? Haha, I don't know. I have friends of my own, but I hardly see them because I feel guilty every time I do. I love my husband a lot, but it's hard for me to be around his friends when I don't feel accepted. I don't want to isolate him from his friends because of it. Is there anything I can do?Thanks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2019): OP, in private, face to face, not in bed, you need to tell your husband that he is supposed to be your defender and number one fan at all times! If he has a complaint with you, ever, that is private business that he needs to keep private! That means he brings the complaint to you, and you only! Tell him that he hurt you complaining to his friends about you and that it is inappropriate! The best way to work into a group, is to entertain one couple at a time, at your house, for dinner or a cookout. That way, you can talk one on one with that wife and learn to know her. Two couples can learn to know one another better than you by yourself, meeting his whole klan of friends at huge gatherings. Tell you husband that if any other rude friends ask him your name, while you are sitting right there, that he should tell them to ask her yourself, she has a tongue to speak for herself. That should put the fool in his place! A good husband will always have your back, treating you with respect and making others do so too!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 July 2019):
 I think your biggest problem here is not your husband's friends but your husband's attitude towards you. If he has a problem, he should be discussing it with you in private, not whining and making you look bad to his friends. It is immature and disloyal. Are you confident enough to stand up for yourself and tell him this?
I wouldn't take the question about your name personally at all. Some people (my partner being one) are just awfully bad at remembering names. The way the friend asked your husband was probably not the most diplomatic but perhaps he felt more comfortable asking your husband, who he knows well, to jog his memory, rather than you, who he does not know so well. Or perhaps he is just an ar$ehole? Most groups usually have at least one.
My partner and I have very different circles of friends too. Neither of us particularly gets on with the other's friends. Like you, I used to accompany my partner when he met up with his friends for evenings out but decided, after a few evenings where I was bored out of my skull and just kept wishing I was anywhere but there, that I really didn't want to subject myself to these ordeals any more (because that is how I felt about them). Nothing wrong with the circle of friends as such, just very different people to me who talk about stuff in which I have zero interest and who have very different beliefs to me about something which is very close to my heart. My partner, on the other hand, has been friends with them all for years and enjoys their company.
We still see our respective friends, just not together, unless it is something big like a wedding or a funeral. It works for us. Perhaps it could work for you and your husband?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2019):
 Be who you are.
While it's good to try and get out of your comfort zone a bit every now and then, it's ALSO good to KNOW who you are and be OK with who you are.
And you need a little chat with your husband. He shouldn't whine about you to his friends. HE should come to you. No wonder you feel a little uncomfortable wit them!
My advice? Don't give up your friends. And if you RATHER go hang with YOUR own friends every now and then, DO so!
Being married doesn't mean joined at the hip. It doesn't mean you HAVE to drag yourself to friend gathering where you feel like the total outsider every time. Every now and then, OK I get it. But also GIVE them a chance to get to know you.
As for the friend of his who asked your Husband in front of you about your name.. what a dick! He could have asked you.
LET him GO hang with HIS friend and you can go hang with yours. Every now and then you go hand with him and his... and every now and then HE comes with you.
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