A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I are going through a rough patch. He recently sat me down and told me that there's something he needs to tell me. He told me that for the past three months, he had been texting with a woman from work. He said that although they haven't done anything physical, he realized that he was emotionally cheating on me by telling her things that he hasn't told me. He was mainly confiding in her about life and work and mutual interests. He said that he realized he had gone too far and out of the friend zone when she admitted her feelings to him. He replied that they are colleagues so it won't work. I asked him why he didn't tell her he was engaged and he said he said that she was very hurt when he replied that and he didn't want to provoke her further. When he told me, it's been one week since he broke things off. I was very hurt that he would be emotionally intimate with someone other than myself. He said that he wanted to have this closeness with me but somehow didn't give us the chance and instead turned to someone else to fill the avoid. He said that he has cut contact completely and will not reach out again.I told him that wasn't enough for me, and that he needs to explicitly text her to say that the reason they won't work out is that he's engaged and not interested. I also asked that he tell her that he wants to be colleagues only and not friends. He agreed to do so. However one week later, he told me that he's unable to do so. He said he's so embarrassed and also unwilling to hurt her further. I'm extremely upset because i told him that he's hurting me more by not doing this. Yet he's still unwilling to text her. I told him I could not move forward without concrete proof that he ended things with her and told her about me. It makes me think that there is/was more going on. What do i do from here? We had such a good relationship until this suddenly happened. My heart feels unsettled.
View related questions:
affair, engaged, fiance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 July 2019):
"My fiance and I are going through a rough patch."
See your statement above...The only one going through a rough patch is you. He is happy with his emotional woman. You are also going through a rough patch, because you still have a man in your life, who wants someone else, and you still call him your Fiance.
You should be jumping for joy right now. He has shown you that he is not the right man to marry, and you found out before the actual wedding.
But hey...It your life, your pain to deal with when he cheats, your tears.
Just do us one favour...please don't blame men for being A-holes. You saw the pain train coming, and you want to stand on the tracks, and not on the platform.
Fight to keep the right man, not the wrong one.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 July 2019):
 If he really wanted to end things and make things right with you he would do it no questions asked. I think the fact that he won’t tells you all you need to know.
I’d be breaking things off with this one. He has no respect for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 July 2019):
 What's more concerning than the affair is the fact that he's willing you hurt you but he's not willing to upset HER in any way. He didn't tell her about the fact that he was engaged to you then and he can't get himself to say it now because he still wants to keep open with her and also because he'd rather be a bad guy for YOU, than for her. He has completely taken you for granted but thinks about her feelings as well as his feelings with respect to her. He's "embarrassed"? By what? You? His relationship with you?
I think there's your answer OP.
She means more to him than you do.
Do you still want to be with this guy?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2019): OK.
I'm missing something here.
The question isn't why he didn't tell her when she told him she had feelings for him.
The question is: Why didn't he tell her before???
When you have a bf, you tend to tell people around you that you have a bf. Even more so, when you have a fiance or a husband!
How come she hasn't learned that at work? Does it mean that NOBODY else knows that he is engaged to you?
Does he want to give an impression that he is available?
I'm sorry, but if it were me, I would see a much bigger problem here. and I know what I am talking about.
At the beginning of my relationship with my husband, he went to a family gathering I couldn't go to. I was invited, but I had prior engagements. He met a girl there and they ended up talking and after dinner they went out for a drink - not a friendly/social occasion, but rather a romantic place by the river. He told her that he wasn't available, but she didn't care. Why should she? He's the one who agreed to go out with her, DESPITE being with me. Nothing happened, they had a drink and talked, but she did tell him that she liked him (already knowing that he had a gf!). And he told me that immediately the next day. So, I asked him how would he have felt had I done the same thing? He wouldn't have liked it not one bit. So, I told him that this is not how I live my life and that if he really wants to be with me, he needs to think if we are compatible. Because, if this behavior is something he needs (to feed of other women's interest for him, even if he never takes it to another level), he should find another partner.
We've been happily married for almost 15 years.
The fact that he needs to paint a certain picture for her, tells me that he's the kind of a person that would lie to you too just to make himself look good in HIS eyes.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's tough. But you are young. Think carefully before you commit further to this man.
Also, he may have issues committing in general and/or more specifically to you. You are about to get married and he pulls this crap? Maybe he's testing your limits (subconsciously, of course)? if you accept this kind of behavior, well he's set then. If you don't, he gets his freedom back.
You are young, as I said, but you are not kids any more. You know what it is to be responsible and treat someone with respect and he is neither treating you nor that women that way. He's been lying to both of you. Pretty sleazy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2019):
 He doesn't want to tell her, NOT because he doesn't want to hurt her (he already DID) but because he doesn't want to look like a total slime-ball (cause he is).
I'm sorry, OP
I get that you WANT him to tell her. And in a way I think it's only fair, but I honestly can't see WHY she needs to know this. So YOU can be 100% sure she will stay as far away from him as possible? Or because she deserves to know?
Another thing OP, you think IF he tells her, that the two of you can "just" move forward? He BROKE your trust 100%. Yes, he TOLD you about what was going on... but only AFTER he DECIDED not to pursue her further. And ONLY what HE wanted you to know. Trying to make himself not look like that total slime-ball in BOTH your eyes. He is engaged to you so he thinks YOU won't leave over this thus you get a LOWER "priority" than her, in this case.
If your relationship was going SO great before, why on Earth would this happen? And HOW do you know it won't happen again, AFTER you marry him?
I hope you two have no concrete wedding plans because HE needs to work on re-building YOUR trust in him THAT HE broke. Otherwise... you will start your married life with a shoddy foundation.
YOU have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. Can you really ever trust him again? Or not?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2019): The reason that he cannot bring himself to tell her that he is engaged to be married to you, is that doing so would shatter her illusion of him being a great guy, in her sight, instead of the prick cheating scum, that he truly is! What should you do? Write a detailed letter to your fiance, in which you break up officially from your engagement to be married. Explain how his confession of cheating with HER NAME, and his refusal to tell her about you, and your mutual engagement, is just too much for you to overcome and that you are moving on to find a new partner worthy of your love and your trust! Make three copies that letter and send all three letters to his workplace, one to fiance, one to the other woman, and one to their human resources manager. Send them registered mail and inside each letter, include a nice photo of you and your EX fiance, smiling happily together! That should give her, and their employer an acurate picture, of your EX! Be strong girl! Wash your hands of that scum!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2019): He has just compromised the most vital and cohesive-factor that holds relationships together. Trust!
There may be more going-on than he has admitted; if he can't bring himself to tell her the truth about your relationship. It's almost as though he is deliberately sabotaging your engagement. He has the nerve to tell you about how he feels about her, but he can't disclose the fact to her that he's engaged? What's wrong with this picture?
Well, he has the challenge of winning back your trust. That ain't going to be easy!
I will advise you this. There should be no marriage; unless you can trust him. Don't marry anyone with the intent to keep him away from somebody else. Not only would that be self-destructive, and arming a time-bomb; but it would be outright stupid! Exchanging vows will be worthless.
He didn't want to provoke HER?!!! What about YOU???
...............................
A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (23 July 2019):
 Hello OP,
I am sorry you have been confronted with this. I must say that I admire his honesty, if you were unaware of this and he had not been caught, causing him to confess. We can sometimes cross boundaries without realising until later on and it's possible that happened here, as he said it dawned on him when she said she had feelings.
He didn't have to tell you about it, so I wouldn't be sure there was more going on - emotional affairs can be deeper than solely sexual ones anyway.
Having said that, I believe your request is absolutely reasonable and necessary for your own peace of mind. I don't believe you'll be able to begin healing and improve the trust between you if he does not do this.
I understand that he does not want to hurt her further, but it is too late for that. Is it possible for you to calmly say "I appreciate you telling me what you've done, but I can't begin to trust you again if she doesn't know that you're engaged"?
Perhaps request that he shows you proof of it in a week or you will have to go to couples' counselling because you can't move past this without your engagement being public knowledge, not hidden. You may need CC to move forward from this and rebuild that closeness anyway, but he should follow your requirement first because it is not unreasonable.
I'd try asking him one more time, as calm and non-argumentative as you can manage, then going for the counselling and definitely not marrying until this is over 6 months in the past - preferably longer.
Best of luck, OP.
...............................
|
