A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have an issue.I am complicated with a girl that I've since highschool.We have gone out our senior year for a year into our freshman year of college (which was long distance) until complications got in the way.After our breakup, for about a year now, we have been very complicated in the sense that we continually act as if we are still dating and we do not know where to cross the line the between being friends and being dependent of each other. We care for each other, but sense we have been complicated for so long we often get into fights about what should be done as far as continuing our relationship as friends. Last week she called me and told me that she is emotionally tired because keep going through the same cycle over and over again and she thinks we shouldn't talk.Since I care about her dearly, I suggest otherwise and tell her that we can maintain our relationship without the complications IF she consistently tries to be in my life like I am trying to be in hers.When she actually makes an effort, our relationship is great, but then she backs out because her feelings and is afraid becoming dependent on me once again.I still want her in my life, so I do want to give up at all. We have been close friends for years and I don't want her to leave my life because I truly and deeply care about her. How can I encourage her to make an effort in our relationship so we can be okay again? What can I say or do to make our complicated situation a better? Is it okay to be complicated (meaning to have deep feelings for each other with out dating again)? I want to make her see that we can have a healthy relationship again while being in the position we're in without fighting all of the time. What can we do to remain close in this long distance relationship/friendship/complicated situation????
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbardia, It definitely hurts and the fact that you are just going through so much pain to move on with your life i amazing...even if you dont want to move on, i still praise you for atleast taking action. love at this point in our lives completely sucks because we are taking so many leaps of faith and we only account for ourselves in a situation, no matter how much a person says that they love you and care about you. you can only be sure about yourself because random, unfortunate events occur that leave us broken.i guess i do have to let go--i really dont want to-- but to keep dragging this would hurt us-- im just torn---after those two weeks, i just want her to tell me that she wants us to work out-- but i know that wont be the case-- i am exhausted from our situation as well, but because i loved her so much, i wanted it to work...i really did.welllll, i guess i will see what the verdict is after this two are up and i will keep you all posted.bardia, stay strong. i am sure that you are a wonderful person and although i do not know the complete details of your situation, I am sure that you tried your best for this guy-- and if he doesnt realize what he had, then i know someone will not lose out on you once they get a hold of you.thanks again for the insight and the honest advice.
A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (14 February 2012):
 Yes, it is good to hear similar stories & to share each other's burdens. We all have that lonely void we want to fill, & yes, it's even more difficult when you truly don't want to lose even the friendship. But if there are feelings greater than that present on side or the other, it's so much more difficult & draining to just remain friends. We tried that once a year ago & I was too much in love & the restraint of friendship was overwhelming.
It's been 7 weeks. I barely eat, panic attacks often, I weep at least once almost daily...it's a complete nightmare & all I ever feared it would be. I think about him constantly-what he's doing, who he's with, how he's feeling, if he's fine despite the fact that I'm not. I'm angry, hurt, resentful, bitter, yet I still love him to my core & miss him desperately. I wish the best for him, but I don't want to know anything that happens in his life ever again. The thought of someone else in his bed drives me to despair.
The last few times I contacted him I poured out my heart & asked if there was any way to still work this out. We both agreed that no, it wouldn't. His last text to me inconsequential after all I poured out to him so I began no contact. That was 3 weeks ago. Bottom line problem: I committed 100%. I wanted him body & soul, above all others. He didn't want me that way. He couldn't commit. He preferred his virtual world to the flesh & blood before him. He was young & wanted to experience the world. And in the meantime, mine has been shattered...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbardia,
so then you know how hard it is to let go.
and although it hurts that he didnt try to make more of an effort to be in your life (which may have been for the best for you to move on)it seems as if you wanted him to reach out to you and prove what he was saying before about keeping you in his life. it hurts both ways: the lack of trying to be around because of the complications of the situation or staying around to try to maintain some sort of relationship because you dont want to lose eachother.
all in all it just sucks because you have to lose to win---and all the emotional crap that comes along with losing someone who you love or deeply care about makes you lose sleep, appetite,and lose interest in your regular activities. its very hard letting go and thats what makes some us selfish when put in situation like this one--because you dont want to completely lose someone that youve had an intimate relationship with especially when you were bestfriends beforehand.
How did you feel emotionally? Physically? Mentally?
How often do you think about him?
Do think about reaching out to him?
Why didnt the relationship workout?
Sorry that Im so curious. But having people who are going through similar situations are definitely helping me out.
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female
reader, bardia +, writes (13 February 2012):
Oy. Didn't mean to be blunt, but sometimes it's what's needed. Your situation just sounded entirely like mine but from the wrong end.The entire time we were together he always said if anything ever happened he could never bear to lose me as a friend and I told him that I could never bear to be without him as a lover and would have to cut all ties if we ever broke up. I knew it would be the death of me if it came to that. He was afraid to lose me the same way you are of your friend-girl. I gave him lots of "outs", he didn't want to lose the friendship, but the commitment as a lover just wasn't there. I ended it Jan. 2nd. We tried to be friends for a couple of weeks. My passion and depth of emotion for him was too unbearable. I poured it out to him one last time 3 weeks ago. All he had to say to me was an inconsequential text the next morning. I didn't respond (I couldn't) and haven't heard from him since. So despite all his desperate protestations of needing me in his life at all costs, he obviously doesn't if that's all he had to say, and he hasn't said anything since.I am hurt, angry, lost, devastated and having panic attacks every day. It's been 7 weeks and I'm still longing for him. It's as though a part of my body has been torn from me. If we were still in contact, I'd be dead. I can never know about his life after this, especially anyone who he might end up with. I loved him too much. I could not heal or move on without "no contact". And that's possibly the same thing your friend-girl is going through (maybe not with the same intensity, but you never know). And that's why it's better if you let her go... :'(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): There is something which is obviously not working in your relationship.. And the way I'm seeing it.. you do not understand her.. AT ALL.You agree that the relationship is complicated .. so she must actually be in pain.. so why is it hard for you to believe she is emotionally drained?firstly - girls are more emotional than men.. hence she feels more emotional about this situationsecondly - she might undergo depression and will have hormonal problems.. and with girls there are many..Please understand that. And the reason for this pain is your relationship. So the logical thing for her well-being is for her to walk away from this relationship.You are the reason of the pain .. if I may say so.. because she is in this unstable relationship with you .. and you cannot let her go...It seems you have already tried to work on this relationship before.. So please leave her be.. She is obviously suffering.. she tried .. it didn't work.. So you need to back off now..I know everyone told you and you mad the decision but I thought I might just add.. Okay take care.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 February 2012):
 I'll answer your question to Bardia.. In my situation it hasn't ended and it's lasted probably as long as you've been on earth. It bloody well hurts a lot and spoils other things in your life. I understand your feelings, but I'm in your girl's position, sometimes I would rather much see the guy get run over by a bus just so he'd disappear.. yes it's nice to be important to someone and friendship is nice, but nice doesn't stop your heart from breaking and it blocks you from making the most out of life.I really wish I could help with the complications. But when people go to college it's hard to keep the romantic relationship going with any type of quality and no jealousy. Don't call her like she asked, but maybe a card on her birthday, Christmas, that would be nice. Maybe a call once a year is allowed. And as soon as you leave college, if you love her go and get her and I hope she'll still be in love with you and free. She knows your number, if she misses you she will call, but please respect her wishes right now, you don't want to drive her into a mental breakdown.Write her tons of letters that you never get to send. Maybe one day you'll be able to give them to her and she'll know how much you care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlthough that was very blunt, I have to say that I agree with you. It is selfish for me to try to remain close to her and as much as I want her in my life, our complicated situation may be hurting her a lot. It isn't about just getting attention from people to boast my ego though. I have friends who I goof around with, but her attention meant more and I think about her a lot and I just miss her. I just have a hard time of letting go of people who mean a lot to me, and I dont want her to be one of those people who I went to high school with. I dont want our relationship to fade, but seems that I may have to in order for us to be normal. The advice is great, I appreciate it. Its brutally honest, and although it may not have been the advice that I wanted to read, but I guess it's what I needed.
Question for bardia though. How exactly did your situation end with the guy you were with and what happened, if you dont mind me asking?
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female
reader, bardia +, writes (11 February 2012):
"She's worth being in my life", "...it's about having my bestfriend there for me whenever", "But to me it is more than just the emotional attachment, I want that attention from her as my bestfriend. She makes the relationship seem very one dimensional when she talks about being emotionally drained because of our complicated situation."No. Stop and reread what everyone else has already posted. It is COMPLETELY about the emotion of it. You've been breaking up for a year because she already told you she couldn't be just friends and you continue to drag her through the wringer and she has no way to heal because you want this relationship "your way." You want her to "be there" to "give you attention". No. That's not how it works. She truly loves you. You love the attention and security that gives you. Stop using her to stroke your ego. Go make some friends where you're living to get your attention-fix. But leave her alone because you're just using her and draining her of her precious life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes she is refusing that as well because of the distance.We talked today, and instead of cutting me out, she wanted at least a week or two to be able to process this whole thing.may be if we were in the same city for more than 2 or three months at a time (Summer Break from College) then it could very well work out.But to me it is more than just the emotional attachment, I want that attention from her as my bestfriend. She makes the relationship seem very one dimensional when she talks about being emotionally drained because of our complicated situation.I told her that the emotional ties shouldnt make or break us because our relationship is so much more complex than what's being displayed at the current moment.So after the two weeks, I do not know how I am going to make this transition as well as convincing her to try to be in my life without the thought of us fighting over our emotions.I love her and I do not want to give up our relationship, but I do not know how to get her to not think that this is all about our emotions.Honestly I do not mind the situation, I just dislike when she doesn't try for me (as far as being in my life as my friend and being able to talk about whats going on a regular basis) I do not hold her to the standard of text or talking throughout the day, but I would like her to text me when she is free, just to say "hey i've been busy today but thinking about you and i hope that you're having a good day, ttyl" Simple stuff like that. She says that she thinks about me anyway, so let me know in a simple way like that.Its seems like we've been breaking up for a year now based on what we have been going through, but we always seem to hold on. To me its more than just having a gf/bf relationship, it's about having my bestfriend there for me whenever.If I could somehow make this distance thing work again, then I would do it without a doubt because shes means a lot to me. Shes worth being in my life, but to know how to prove to her that we can work through our complications and be very well okay in time. Its on her part mostly, so I need to know what to say to her. So any suggestions on any of that?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2012):
 IF you really want her in your life that badly why not try to be her boyfriend again?
is she refusing that as well since you are LDR?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 February 2012):
Either be a proper boyfriend to this girl or leave her alone to find someone else. At the moment she's stuck in situation where she's not free but she's not committed. You both still have feelings, and therefore cannot "just be friends". If you care then set her free, or sort out these complications that are in the way.
If it's a LDR and childhood sweetheart, then both of you must let go. If your meant to be together, then when college is over you can try to see if she is free.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (11 February 2012):
Sorry, but no. It's not healthy, at least obviously not for her. She loves you in a very particular way. To have your affection as a friend is probably crushing her. I tried to be friends with my ex because he still wanted me in his life in that capacity. I just couldn't because we weren't friends to start. I only see him as the love of my life, the one I wanted to spend forever with. Your girl is going to break if you guys try to keep this up. If you wanted & needed her in your life that badly then you would fully commit to her. If you can't do that it's not fair to drag her through the pain of this loss.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the advice
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much, but it's really hard and I really want her in my life.
I don't know how to let her go because I truly love her.
We have tried to let go 3 times now and it's failed.
So I really should let go without trying to convince her to stay in my life?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2012):
I don't think that it's a good thing to be friends with an ex.
And I think if you truly care about her you would want what is best for her and she's clearly telling you she can't be friends with you.
so to be a true friend you should put your needs and wants aside and respect her request and let her go...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 You have to accept that there are people who would not settle for friendship when feelings are involved. When she says she thinks you shouldn't talk, she is disagreeing with you that this can be a healthy relationship. She is showing you that her effort makes it painful for her to stay in this.
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