A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy in 2014 at an academic international conference. We were both representing our country in our respective disciplines. I was in a deadbeat relationship at that time and this guy was married. We hit it off really well and at time at least it didn't feel romantic in the least. What did strike me as slightly odd at that time was that he never, ever mentioned his wife or his daughter. I mean he did say that he was married but that was it. He never spoke about them, never bought anything for his daughter... It was like they didn't exist. In any case, he was good to me, very civil and gentlemanly and it was like two people just hitting it off, and being good friends in a foreign land where we were the only two people from our country. I have to admit that at time I think I may have found him slightly attractive but in no way did I ever act on it. When the conference ended, we returned home and went our separate ways. We met just once after returning and it was for a very short while. We live in different cities so we've never met again.Meanwhile, I ended that relationship and got married a couple of years later to my now husband. He's a wonderful person and I'm very happy with him and our daughter.Conference guy has kept in touch with me over the years, off and on. Once every 6 months or so he'd send me a message and I'd respond. That was it. Nothing untoward. Then a couple of years ago, suddenly one night I got a very confusing message from him saying that maybe I could have been with him if things had been different and also that he feels very deeply for me. That he couldn't believe how unfair his life was, that we were meant to me together! It was like he had just assumed that I was "his" if not for the technicality of him being married! He wanted to know if I felt that way for him as well. I was completely taken aback and I did not know how to react or respond. I couldn't even understand what was wrong with him and how on earth be could make all these assumptions based on a fortnight that we had been together. I had absolutely no feelings for him and I explained to him that he should appreciate his wife and all that he has, rather than hankering for something that will never be. He did not respond that night but sent me a message the next morning saying yes, I was right. That was it.From then on again it was back to the occasional text and I would respond very normally. I never initiated the texts. My husband knows about all of this, by the way.Suddenly last month conference guy said that he was coming to my city for some work and that he wanted to meet up. I avoided him saying that I wasn't in town. A month later he says he's coming again and wants to meet. I avoided him again because it just doesn't feel right. I don't want any trouble. He never seems to let go of an opportunity to call me beautiful and glamorous (Yes I'm rolling me eyes too!) and is always very complimentary every time he speaks to be via text. I politely smile and try to be evasive but he is always very "sweet" sweet. I have no idea what he wants and why he keeps coming to my city. Am I overreacting? Do you think I should meet him if he ever comes back?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 March 2022):
 Meet up with him with your husband and daughter and have a very nice chat, should take the the starch out of his sheets.
A
female
reader, !!anonyma!! +, writes (17 March 2022):
 Wow! I can't believe you asked if you should meet up with him! Well don't meet up with him. Just come clear with it and tell him you don't want to meet him because it is not right and it can be considered as cheating on your partner and his too. And better if you block his number after that. His fantasy needs to be over now!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2022): I don't understand why you think D.C. is judgemental!You are getting some advice on how to turn a situation around where you have a guy potentially hitting on you even though you are both married and most people have advised you to cut contact.It seems odd that your husband hasn't come to that conclusion himself.The other guy keeps on trying to put you in a difficult situation and it is hard for people to understand why you wouldn't just nip it in the bud.The fact that you've kept contact with him up to now is a bit of a surprise as most others would have moved on.But the choice is yours.The problem is that he seems to be increasing the pressure on you by using the length of time he's known you for as bait!This is worrying.We don't want you to fall for some manufactured sense of responsibility and end up meeting again as you are a married person who technically hardly knows this man who has decided that he has emotional leverage over you.We are not criticising you or your actions.But we don't perceive this distant acquaintance to be safe or necessary in your happily married life.His version of the story of your acquaintance may be presented totally differently from your own.It's your life and you are free to do as you like.We just find the context a bit unusual for normal day to day friendship!I assume you find his pursuance of you a little flattering.But presented in a light where we have no involvement whatsoever it comes across as worrying!Even if you had a casual relationship with him for ten days we still don't see it as wise trying to rekindle anything.Would you really be happy if your hubby had an interested female declaring they were meant to be together and who kept trying to draw him away from you.Sometimes these small niggling matters take on an energy of their own and that's when things get out of hand.Sometimes we put out a candle in order to prevent a fire.This guy will survive without you...I wonder if you are starting to feel emotionally blackmailed by him...But as we all know: what you do is entirely up to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2022): Thank you to those who responded. I'm the OP.The anonymous aunt who said that maybe I perceived some good in him and hence didn't block him was absolutely right. I did. DC has become massively judgemental over a period of time. There are a few aunts here who choose to answer every question and mostly reprimand the OP over their choices, not considering the fact that everything is not always completely black or white. That not everything needs a confrontation. That there are mature ways of dealing with things. And that is precisely why people come here(or used to come here) for advice.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2022): I don't see that there is anything at all that you should say to this guy. And I mean, at all.
If it's not overly troublesome, you should consider just simply changing your number.
Consider that as a chance for him to 'sober up' and, if so Mother Nature wants some day, some way, come back, with time, as a better person.
Maybe you have perceived something good in him and that's why you did not straight away just run/block/cut him off, and in fact, do respond, albeit evasively now, to him.
It's up to him to find out how to bring forth this 'good in him' that you might have seen.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2022): This guy is bored with his marriage and family life, yet he still wants it due to finances, security, stress and changes and uncertainty. He wants to know that you fancy him a lot or feel the same with your life so that he can fantasise about having something sexier and better with you. A lot of guys like this go into chat rooms and hot sexy chat lines mouthing off to the woman who takes the call that he wants her and must meet her or "w**k" over her etc. But actually caring about this other woman, wanting her to be happy, changing their lives is a totally different thing that will never happen. Everyone is different. If it were me I would let him message me and toy with him like a cat with a mouse, but he would never get to hear what he wants to hear on his terms. He would be entertaining me, not me him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 March 2022):
 " Do you think I should meet him if he ever comes back?"
No.
As simple as that. You know the guy is hoping you reciprocate his fantasy. Because that is ALL this is for him.
I think what you SHOULD do is tell him that you are going to cut contact as you feel it is inappropriate and disrespectful to your and his partner. And then you do just that. YOU block and delete contact info.
There is not a friendship here. It was some dude you met and chatted with YEARS ago at a conference. That is the extent of it all.
What is mind-boggling to me is why you didn't JUST do that the first time he crossed that boundary.
Is there a need to stay in contact with this guy? Whatsoever?
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 March 2022):
 Tell him, point blank, that you are happily married and do not think it would be a good idea to meet up with him, as you two would have different agendas for the meeting.
To be honest, in your shoes I would have cut contact with him after the disturbing messages. I suspect that, by being polite and civil to him, you are feeding the fantasy he clings to that you two will be together one day.
I would advise sending him one last message, along the lines of "I don't think we should stay in contact. After I send this message, I am going to block your number so you cannot contact me."
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 March 2022):
 I want to go a bit further than Kenny,
Kenny said, "in my opinion he has got some sort of problem."
Let's talk about what that problem might be. He might have a substance problem. The first disturbing message sounded a lot like a drunk text. He might have a marital problem. A fight with his wife could send him looking for connection elsewhere. He might have a cheating problem. His recent behavior is right out of the cheaters handbook. A cheater looking for a new Affair would do exactly what he is doing.
I strongly agree that it is high time to change numbers, block and ignore. This man though friendly is no friend to your marriage, as such he needs to be removed from your life post haste.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (8 March 2022):
 I'm going to cut to the chase here, you say should you meet him if he comes back?. Well i'm suprised that you even have to ask that question to be honest, it should be a big fat NO without even having to think about it.
He is married, or at least that is what he told you anyway. You met this guy at a conference and spent a bit of time with him, so in all honesty you don't really know anything about him at all.
You got married to a wonderful person who you are very happy with and have a daughter, why risk throwing this in to jeopardy by taking a chance on this random guy you know nothing about.
Although he says he is coming to your city, i'm assuming that he does not know where you live, because in my opinion he has got some sort of problem.
I think its really good that you tell your husband about all the texts. But what i find suprising is that either you or your husband has come up with the idea of either changing you number, or just blocking him. By doing either of these two simple things would really solve a majority of what you have said in your post.
But how you finished your post saying should you meet him, i have to ask the question do you really want to block him?.
...............................
|
