A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I've been with my partner almost 2 years (2years in may) we are both 38. I have a 4 year old boy from a previous relationship. He has no kids. I've made it known to him that I would take our relationship to the next level. I.e living together. Maybe having kids. He said its something he would like in the future but not now. That was last august and there hasn't been a word said about it since. He has his own business. I see him usually once or twice a week. When we met at the start of the pandemic his business was shut for a long time. Now that hes back at work its so different. The dynamic has changed. I'm feeling unfulfilled. I'm not sure if I should break up with him. Hes so independent. Its like we live parallel lives. It doesn't seem like we are reliant on each other at all. I don't really think our lives are going to intertwine at any point. He still lives his life like a single man. I don't mean that he parties or anything. He doesn't. But he does have freedom that he wouldn't have if he were to commit to me. And I think he doesn't want the way his life is to change at all. I'm 39 in April and to be honest I've a worry that if I stay in this relationship he may want kids in the next year or 2. I don't want to be having babies in my forties. If it was something he wanted now I'd do it but Having kids over forty is just something I don't want personally. After that age I want to start living my life again. Its been difficult with my child the last few years and its finally getting easier. Im so stuck. He's a good boyfriend in other ways. He's respectful. He's a good man. It just seems like we are on our own paths. I also work fulltime in a well paid job. All I've ever wanted was to share my life with somebody. But we are just like ships who pass each other now and then. What am I going to do x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2022): I forgot the obvious that most businesses took a direct set back during the crises times of the pandemic and it is not unnatural that your man should want to work as hard as possible to balance the books for this financial year.
Is it possible that he is both serious and decent and he would rather marry you than just move in together?
Could he be saving up for a ring to get engaged once he's sorted the tax man out?
And would you accept it if he did?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2022): Feeling unfulfilled even though you have a job and a boyfriend and a son of your own!
Wow! I don't know how you have the time to feel unfulfilled but feelings have a subtle way of creeping up on people until they become overriding and nothing else seems to count.
Someone else may feel very fulfilled in your shoes but it's not working that way for you.
If you really had a strong idea of what it is that you're missing out on it would go a long way towards helping you sort out your life.
Count your blessings for everything you have in your life.
If your son is healthy and happy in life be grateful and feel contented with your child because they don't stay as cute little angels forever.
It's just a delightful phase they go through and as the mom you should reap great happiness from the time and attention you give to your son.
I think your man is aware that he must be careful around your child and that shows some level of integrity.
Perhaps he remembers as a child a feeling of dread when new adults were introduced into his life just because he was a child and needed to be mindful of how he operated amongst new adults!
Have you had time to discuss much about each others experiences or influences or are you feeling as though you're just a booty call?
I think the problem lies in being a pandemic relationship and as the world is shifting to a new normality you are wanting more violins and heartstrings as it were, whilst he has kept it at a manageable maintenance level.
As it stands you're not looking to have more children and you are acutely aware that he will want to start a family of his own!
This is the crunch line.
You are not family.
You feel as though you are pandemic delightfulness.
You have every right to withdraw your self from this situation if you feel it will leave you broken hearted when he kindly and politely let's you know that he has met a younger woman who is having children for him after their marriage.
In a way you are getting a gut feeling that although pleasant this is not going to be a lasting relationship for you.
I have known friends who have ended a seemingly wonderful relationship just because they felt used or had a dream that implied their partner wasn t the one and after a rapid final goodbye went on to meet a much more committed partner who was open to a stronger relationship including children and marriage.
In a way you are speaking the same rhetoric.
It will take time to process your gut feelings so you could start by being less available.
You could alter the day of the week he sees you on or just take a short break to visit old friends or family with your son to see how you feel whilst youre out of the orbit of your man.
I have no personal feeling about this. You just have to establish if the relationship has run its course and if so you just need to tell him!
And be confident of your decision if that's what you decide to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2022): The two most important ingredients for a successful long-term relationship (marriage) are: compatibility, and wanting the same things out of the relationship. You can't always be on the same page; sometimes life calls for compromise, or sacrifice. That's the reality of our existence. Sacrifice should not cause injury, or loss; and compromise should be a win-win proposition. Boyfriends and girlfriends are on an honor system; and the connection doesn't demand deep-commitment, and has no enforceable legal-requirements or protections. Husbands and wives have a legally and morally recognized commitment offering spousal-rights, definable financial-security, and child-custody protections. Thus, requiring more effort and hard work to sustain and maintain the union. Put a ring on it!
Living together and having kids will not solidify, bind, or add cohesion to a relationship. As I'm certain you already know; so I will not preach to the choir. Yes, people do divorce. Not just up and walk-out when you damned-well feel like it!
He enjoys having a perpetual-girlfriend, and maintaining a relationship where he has the freedom to come and go as he pleases. Sex is accessible-on demand. Married-people are biblically-joined as one. Boyfriends and girlfriends can still assert their individuality and independence. You want a relationship somewhat like a marriage. You want to have a family, be committed, to share life, space, and your financial-expenses. Such commitments require vows, or an unbreakable covenant; because a verbal-agreement is too flimsy and easy to dismiss/violate. Men make out better in this situation.
Having children with men who don't want marriage leaves them a built-in exit clause. Meaning they can decide to stop being boyfriends and fathers at any unforeseen moment. You'll end-up a single-mother with two kids; and he may (or may not) take any emotional-responsibility in the upbringing of his own kid(s). Many guys will just opt to pay child-support; and have noting to do with you...or the child(ren). This is the modern-way we live. Cut-loose and run! Go start a whole new family with the woman you really want to commit to and marry!
I think you should consider what is best for you and your son. I think you really want to be married; have a husband, and raise a family together. You're settling for the modern-arrangement of a "faux-marriage;" where it looks like a marriage, and quacks like a marriage, but it ain't!
It's confusing to children when they have siblings who come with an assortment of different baby-daddies. Men coming and going; while they are unable to bond with any of them. Neither their biological-father, or some nice-guy whom they become attached to; but decides he wants to end your relationship. You're not the only one affected by this. If you really want a husband, don't give-up the search! Don't let your age be your only deciding-factor; use common sense, patience, and discernment. Be practical. You deserve it all, if you really want it.
For the sake of your plans for your future, and in the best interest of your son's upbringing; you should seek a relationship with a man who wants what you want. Willing to commit to the point, you'll get what it is you desire; and what you and your son both deserve. Love, faithfulness, stability, and true commitment.
Life doesn't always present things in the timeframes, schedules, or within the age-limits we set; but women who seem the happiest are those who persevere. They keep trying and press-on; until they get what they need and deserve. Not just settle for set-ups where the guy still has one foot in and one foot out. You and your son also deserve the benefit of inheritance and birthrights that come with marriage. Instead of just living with some guy; until he decides to move on. Sitting there, while the click ticks towards his decided expiration-date. You don't just walk-out on a whim in marriage. You've got rights! You have a right to apply rules, and set certain expectations from your commitment. He's just being a boyfriend; because he's not under the obligations and responsibilities of a husband. Boyfriends and girlfriends have a choice to be ride or die; or just monogamous with options.
Just an opinion, and some straight talk. You do what you want to do. Remember, it's not just your life; it's your son's too!
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake  +, writes (9 March 2022):
 You should try talking to him about how distance your relationship feels. You guys might just be at two different stages emotionally in your lives. You want to settle down and have kids, he wants to pay the boat a bit.
I understand your concerns about having children in your 40s, but don’t let that be the only reason you end this relationship, because if you think about it, say you ended this relationship, and then got into a new one, by the time you and the new person we are ready to settle down, you would be in your 40s anyway.
Although it sounds daunting, these days, it’s not uncommon to be having children in your 40s, and with the right balance and management of your life, it might not impact your freedom. If you’re concerned about biological reasons, you can always adopt.
But I would definitely still try to talk to him, because the fact that you’re not feeling fulfilled is a huge flag. You might both be just looking for a completely different things
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2022): Be aware, this is coming from a 42-year old father who at 32 lost IVF twins, took twin brothers into foster care, and was subsequently blessed with a biological son.
Allow me to be blunt with my opinion: you'll be 39 next month, whether to stay or leave, the matter of 'having (biological) kids' is no longer relevant in the equation.
The matter at hand :
i) how long are you willing to wait for him to be ready to live together?
ii) "It doesn't seem like we are reliant on each other at all"
You wouldn't be here if you felt he were reliant on you 'at all'... To what extent, in what respect, do *you* feel reliant on him?
iii) "I'm 39 in April and to be honest I've a worry that if I stay in this relationship he may want kids in the next year or 2"
Is that really your biggest worry here?
Just in case, you need not assume that if in the next year or 2 you guys are unable to pro-create it'd be necessarily owing to *your* age. He does not have kids (so far), you do have a son.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (9 March 2022):
 It seems to me that you have got more negative things to say about this relationship than positive, and neither of you are on the same page with regards to what you want and future plans.
By you own admission you say your on your own paths, and although you say he is a good man and is respectful this is not enough to hold a relationship together.
He has got his aspirations and goals of what he wants, and you have got yours which are a million miles apart.
I would advise having a conversation with him and lay in on the table how your feeling and maybe suggest its time that you call it a day and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2022): It's simple really. You're both not on the same page. He doesn't want the things that you want and he clearly doesn't want to live with you and take responsibility for your child. It's best you go your separate ways. And you ARE sharing your life with someone. Your son.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (9 March 2022):
 You can't inspire a happy person to change. He likes where his life is. Shacking up does nothing for him.
It gives him responsibility for another mans kid. It ties down his after work schedule 7 days a week. As you put it, it intertwines him with you.
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (9 March 2022):
You should try talking to him about how distance your relationship feels. You guys might just be at two different stages emotionally in your lives. You want to settle down and have kids, he wants to pay the boat a bit.
I understand your concerns about having children in your 40s, but don’t let that be the only reason you end this relationship, because if you think about it, say you ended this relationship, and then got into a new one, by the time you and the new person we are ready to settle down, you would be in your 40s anyway.
Although it sounds daunting, these days, it’s not uncommon to be having children in your 40s, and with the right balance and management of your life, it might not impact your freedom. If you’re concerned about biological reasons, you can always adopt.
But I would definitely still try to talk to him, because the fact that you’re not feeling fulfilled is a huge flag. You might both be just looking for a completely different things
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2022): If he wants a different future to the future you want either you change your mind and go along with what he wants or you end it. Moaning about it will not change him or what he wants. If he is not partying and seeing other women then in a way he will feel committed to you already, and there are a lot of couples, like my partner and me, who live together very happily still having freedom to see friends and come and go as they suit, without flirting or cheating. He should not need your permission to do anything if you were living together, he would not be living in a prison would be? I promise you that if that is your idea of living together, where you know his every move and thought and watch him like a hawk it would not last long.
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