A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Hi everyone.Tonight I've reflected on the break up of my first relationship, which was a long distance relationship which lasted for 2 years, ending in June 2007. I know it's a long time to still be reflecting on it, but let me run you through it.Just over 2 weeks before the anniversary of the day that we met on that at the train station in her hometown, she rang me up in tears and told me that she thought we should end things. She told me her decision came due to the fact that she didn't think we would have as much time to meet up when she went to University, and that things were hard enough as they were. To be fair, she was probably right. I hadn't fallen out of love with her, but she now expected me to do so and become just a friend. By breaking up with me, as of that day, I had pretty much lost my best friend in all the world, and it wouldn't take long before it was clear that I couldn't handle the transition from boyfriend - friend.Instead of talking every night, we went back and forth from talking to not talking. Anytime I spoke to her, after a few days I would start to miss her, and cry over her. Her father died of liver problems less than 6 months after we broke up. After he passed, me and her spoke for a couple of nights, and I told her that I would try and support her like a friend should during that time of sadness, but it didn't take long for me to start avoiding her again. I felt really guilty for that. She wanted to be my friend, and I wanted to be more than her friend. I was crushed by what she had put me through. It always stuck with me when we spoke for the last time. It was about 2 months after her dad died. She told me "I feel like I've lost so much already, I don't want to lose you as a friend." And as much as it kills me, she did. We haven't spoken since... and the guilt won't leave me.She's the one who broke up with me, even though she had a good reason too. But yet I can't help but feel guilty for completely cutting off our friendship. I know I couldn't handle it, but I feel like I was weak for doing so. How can I lose the guilt I feel?
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anniversary, best friend, broke up, crush, long distance, my ex, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (13 April 2009):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Sometimes you have to be firm with people to get the message across and that's what you did. Can't say fairer than that! :D
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 April 2009):
Glad to be of help. I was a bit worried that I'd been a bit harsh but thought you might need a bit of a kick up the bum haha.
You'll be fine. So will she. Everyone always is. :oD
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (12 April 2009):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for that, it's a real help. I'll try and keep this in mind next time I feel down about this. Thanks :)
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 April 2009):
You can lose the guilt because it's NOT YOUR FAULT!
She DUMPED YOU. She told you she no longer wanted to see you as any more than any of her hundred other mates. You lost that privilege. She didn't sump you because you deserved it, she dumped you because she couldn't be bothered to put the effort in that a long distance relationship needs.
When someone does that to you then they lose ALL rights to say that they Need you and they want to keep you hanging on as a friend.
It is extremely selfish to break someone's heart and then say that you have to hang around and be there for them.
It's like if I saw you on the bus for ages, sat next to you for a little while and talked to you, then punched you in the gut one day but still expected you to smile and be friendly when I sit across the aisle from you. It doesn't work like that.
She hurt you. She does not get cuddles in return.
It's just one of these things in life that if you break up with someone then you can't have them as a friend. Once you cross that line into more than friendship then it's all or nothing.
Yes it's bad that her dad died but I think it's unlikely that you were her entire support network.
Girls have to learn that although we want to be friends with all our exs, you just can't. It doesn't work like that. This was a life lesson for both of you.
You had what you had, and you both learned from it and now are both taking that forward.
Accept that shit happens in the world, far worse things happen to people than this. Get some perspective, visit the site of a massacre or read the Amnesty International website and see what REAL problems people have.
You don't need to feel bad about this. Yes it was a bad time for both of you, but it wasn't your fault, it just happened.
Good Luck!! xx
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