A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I apologise in advance for this being so long, and so confused. I'll try to do my best to explain it clearly, but I doubt I'll do too well...I'm in love with this female teacher at my school. I know I'll never be with her, and I've accepted this. Yet no matter how I try, I can't get over her. I'll think I don't love her as much, but then she smiles at me and all the walls I've built come crashing down. For ages all my friends thought I fancied her because I worked so hard in her class. They teased me constantly, so I always denied it, and as a result, can't admit this to them. Being in love with someone I can never have makes me feel constantly lonely, no matter what I'm doing, no matter how many people I'm surrounded by- people have started to notice this. Teachers who don't even teach me will take one look at me and ask if I'm OK. And of course I tell them that I am. My feelings have only become this bad recently, from September 2008 onwards. I'm now going to backtrack a bit to just after Christmas 2007. I'm really ashamed of this next bit, so please try not to judge me. I was sitting on the bus, listening to my ipod, trying to fall asleep so I could be removed from thinking about everything for a while. I felt something touch my shoulder from the gap between the seat and the window. I assumed it was just a mistake, so ignored it. Then I felt someone start massaging my arm. I don't know why, but I didn't say anything. I think I was ashamed. I found out who it was (I saw who had been sitting behind me when he got off the bus) so I tried to avoid sitting in front of him. One time I ended up sitting up in front of him after a really bad day. He started stroking my arm, and I felt sort of...comforted by the fact that SOMEONE liked me. He then emailed me telling me he loved me. I told him I didn't love him, and denyed that he'd ever touched me. Since then, nothing more has happened, but I can't help but feel that I must have done something to make this boy think it was OK to touch me. I should also add that he is though of (throughout the school) as a perv, yet never made a move like this on anyone else. I went through until the summer holidays, taking every opportunity (quite a few, she took me for english and I was the teacher's pet because I worked so hard) to talk to this teacher to try and stop feeling so awful. The summer holidays started and I felt like I would never survive them. So this was the summer of 2008. One day I was watching the music channel, and I heard the song "I Kissed a Girl". It really clicked with something inside me. I started listening to Katy Perry's other song, when I found Thinking of You, which makes me cry without fail, because it feels like the story of my life. I started talking to other people who liked Katy Perry, and they helped me work out some of my feelings. I now know that I am definetly bi, maybe gay. I wouldn't be able to tell any of my friends because I go to the stereotypical private school. Sure, some of them would accept me, but I wouldn't be able to look anyone else in the eye, and there would be people who would freak out majorly, because girls get changed for swimming and sports together.So I came back to school, I found I wouldn't be taught by the teacher I like this year. I thought this would help me get over, but it's made it worse. I still see her quite frequently (she teaches one of my best friends)and I've become more and more worried about what she thinks of me. I go through periods of trying not to eat, or only eating the bare minimum, to try and become slimmer, then binge-eating for comfort. I've become more and more depressed, and this has started to affect my work. I'm in the year before my GCSEs, and my parents expect me to get straight A*s. I'm only doing well in English, in the hope that my teacher will mention it and the teacher I like will be impressed. I try to concentrate in other classes, but then my thoughts slip away...There's also this boy, I'll call him X, who is taught by the teacher I like. I've known him since 1st form (I'm now in 4th form) but recently become friends with him, mainly because I'm always in his english classroom during the break between double english that happens twice a week. This easter holiday I began talking to him on MSN. I find him really easy to get on with and talk to, mainly because we're both mature for our age (14). I think of him as a friend, and absolutely nothing more, but some of the things he's said are worrying me, and at least one of my friends is certain he likes me. He is the sort of person who falls properly in love, not like the boy mentioned previously, who I'm certain only declared his love for me to see if I would date him so he could use me (His exact words were "I love you, and you must love me cus you let me touch you."). I really don't want to break X's heart, yet I can't warn him off in case I'm wrong.Thank you for reading all of this! I'm not really sure what I'm asking here. I guess, in conclusion, I've really screwed my life up, and does anyone know how I can sort any of it out?Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): Boy that's a lot going on in your life.......... 1st the boy on the bus was ages ago and you could always say you were so shocked by his actions you froze. Bit if he ever touches you again you'll make a scene. The crush on the teacher is normal, yes you maybe bi or gay, you may even be straight. As you know you cannot have her but you can still impress her and other teachers' by doing well in all lessons. As for the last boy. Just let him know that you value your friendship and don't want to spoil it. Relax a little babe, Your life is not ruined, it's only just beginning, enjoy it. Good luck be happy. Ps it might be an idea to told to your mum about the food issues, it will make you ill and lack of vitamins can lead to the depression you talk about.
A
male
reader, netoide  +, writes (12 April 2009):
 That's quite the story. But I don't think it's as bad as you feel it is. I'll do my best to give you some advise so you can "sort it out".First, if you are looking for a relationship with another girl your teacher is not the best choice. I don't think I saw anything in your story indicating she may even like women. If you are looking for a relationship with a girl you will find many obstacles because of your age. My recommendation is that you find a neutral adult woman that is a lesbian who can guide you. Hopefully, someone from your community that knows the environment you live in.Second, it is likely the perv guy has tried to pull the same thing on other girls who probably just rejected him. Like yourself, they won't talk about it. What happened with him was completely circumstantial and you should not feel ashamed.Third, X has a crush on you or may have already fell for you. If you appreciate him and his friendship you must be very careful. If you tell him you like women, he may feel it was his fault. If you tell him you just want to be friends, you'll break his heat and hurt his self esteem. I will never understand why women don't like the "nice guy" but that's just the way it is. I would recommend you find who else he likes and help him in that direction so he can get over you. Let him know his "nice guy" approach is destined to fail (specially at your age) so he at least has a chance with the next girl.I hope that helps! Keep it cool and be positive. Love should be a wonderful thing not a burden.
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