A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What can I do or my boyfriend do to rebuild trust? Is compromise an option?Hey all, I could really use your help. I'm 32, my boyfriend is 29. I recently found out that my boyfriend has been lying to me about where he has been going out. He knows that i'm not supportive of him going to clubs because I believe they are a place for single people. I think it's great that he bonds with friends, or goes for a pint of beer, but clubbing every week has me wondering what else is he doing there?...I know that he loves me and I love him but how do I begin to trust him again? Any suggestions? I feel that right now every time he goes out I question him about who was there and where he went...it's more like an interrogation, not just a gf asking how his night was.How can we move past this? What can I ask him to do to regain my trust and what can I do to trust him? The lies have been happening for the past 6 months and I don't know if i'm a strong enough person to get over it. Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): Well I guess the problem is that you told him that you didn't like clubs. He clearly does though. But since he knows that you don't like them, he lied to not upset you.
Never tell guys stuff like that. Don't be like "oh I don't like this or that" cause you never really know their true nature and if you start off by telling them that you don't like something that clearly he likes then he might react like he did and lie (which was wrong on his part, regardless).
When you are getting to know a guy, you should try to be open to his interests. Instead of saying, "I don't like clubs. They are pick up spots." Instead be like "so what do you usually do on the weekends?" "Oh you like clubs? Aahh. WOW." NEXT. And then you find someone who doesn't like clubs. But don't come right out and tell him you don't like this or that or you are not down with this. They find that controlling and he will see it as something forbidden so he is going to want it even more. If you want to get to know him ask him what he's down with and don't just tell him what you are NOT down with. Especially something like that.
It's one thing if you say "oh I hate fish!" But quite another if you say "Oh I hate the clubs." Guys like their freedom. And even if they don't like clubs either, they still like their freedom. They still like to know that they can do anything they want and that being with you is simply a choice. But they want to know that their freedom is right there too. That's what keeps them with you and loving you, believe it or not!
If you had NEVER said to him that you did not like night clubs, he would have never lied to you about it. He probably would have never gone. But you not liking it makes it more appealing to him because you made it forbidden. So stop forbidding stuff. On the contrary! Be open and adventurous.
A
female
reader, L.O.S.E.R.  +, writes (11 September 2007):
 I think that if you're SURE he loves you you might show him some trust for that.I understand he's an a-hole for lying but it's unfair of you not to be supportive about what does he want to do with his life when you're not together(heeey,I'd dump Vin Diesel if he wouldn't let me do clubbing-it's about music,drinks and people you're with,not meeting potential one night stands:)).Believe me that I can totally understand your reasons cause I'm bit of insecure person myself but I hope you can understand that it's not cool to interrogate someone you love (and should trust).The best tip I can give you is to try making him at ease till he feels relaxed enough to start telling you the truth and then going to club with him and friends sometimes-if he doesn't want to go there with you then there might be a reason to worry but seriously,for now I think it's just about bonding with friends and pints of beer;)
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