A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I was friends with a girl and we even dated off on over a two year period. We just drifted apart. I married and realized I was still in love with my old girlfriend. I tried to keep in touch with old friend but she refused to have any kind of relationship with me because I was married. She asked me not to call her anymore because I loved her I honoured her wish. I happened to meet her on the street about 35 years later we stopped and talked about 15 minutes. She was now married as well and was truly in love with her husband. I decied not to tell her how I was still in love with her. I was glad that she was happy. She knew my wife from the old days and invited me to bring my wife and visit with her and her husband. My wife would not have accepted us visiting. It has been about eight years since our accidental meeting on the street and I find my self thinking of her more often. I never think of her in a sexual way. I just know I am in love with her or at least the memory of her. I recently realized she is no longer with her husband. I don't know what happened can't imagine her reationship failing. Her husband must have died. I feel like I want to comfort her. I am afraid to contact her and tell her I have always loved her. I have no desire to hurt my wife of so many years. I have never been unfaithful to my wife.I am not going to live forever. I am a very shy person. I know what is moraly right but that is why it has been 43 years. Does she deserve to know how I feel? What if she feels as I do?What if she doe not feel as I do. What would you do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): 43 YEARS and your wife is still not good enough for you! becareful what you wish for, it may just come true. and in the end all we will see is a lonely pathetic old man who just did not know when to quit.
you do not want to comfort or console this long lost ex, you want some sort of sexual relationship with her. if you cared an ounce for your wife you will not go down this road. however, you will learn the hard way and when the can of worms is opened you will noly have yourself to blame for the deceit, destruction, lies and betrayal you will cause.
A
male
reader, OzBloke  +, writes (24 September 2009):
You're crazy!
The only reason you want to contact her is for your own personal reasons. It has nothing to do with expressing your condolences.
Do you really want to throw 43 years of marriage away over a fantasy? Fantasy is normal and in my opinion healthy, but to act on it is not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): You want to give up 43 years of marriage and destroy the love and trust you wife has had in you for what.... a possiblity of feeling like a 16 year old again, that is... if the OW even likes what you have become.
You are only really thinking about yourself here... why dont you sit down with your wife and discuss how you both can enjoy your retirement years together???
If thats how you really feel about the woman who has put up with you for 43 years... how would you feel if your wife wanted to renew contact with an old flame from schooldays... I bet that you would be devastated...
So make up your mind... either divorce your wife and chase after the old flame [who might not even be interested] or put your energies into making your marriage work....
Just imagine giving it all up for someone who isnt really into you after all those years, then finding your wife has met someone who loves and cherishs her.. you will be left to fend in your old age alone!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): You say you can't imagine her relationship failing and that her husband must have died... How do you know that they just didn't work together and the marriage dissolved?? You don't know this woman, you knew her years ago but people change. Is it worth hurting your wife to take a chance on this? I think you need to come clean to your wife because it is unfair to her should you ever decide to see this other woman. You and your wife need to have a serious discussion about this and evaluate what exactly is going on with all of this.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (23 September 2009):
 I'm going to be even blunter than Old Guy..you married your second choice and now your first choice is available after all those years and your regret is obvious. I guess your wife must have always known she was Runner Up if she would have refused to visit with this woman and her husband.
You know if you contact this woman, and if she feels the same way you do, you are going to open a whole tin of worms. But, if it was me, I'd go for true love every time. Not enough people do because they forget that life isn't a dress rehearsal, you only get one chance. Why so many people waste that chance worrying about everyone's happiness but their own will always be a mystery to me.
Just for interests sake, (on the point of long marriages and the 'moral obligations' of them), I recently met a guy who had been married for 34 years, to a woman who had refused him sex for the last 10 years of it. He fell in love with someone else, but he kept it quiet because wanted to stay married because he felt morally obliged.....Go figure, I say, why the hell would you feel 'morally obliged' to someone who so obviously has not cared about your happiness for at east a decade? Like I said, mystery to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): i think if you keep thinking about her you may as well speak to her.. but i dont suggest you tell her you love her or have always loved her.. just have her as a friend.. obviously the love you have for your wife is a different kind to how you feel about this old flame but are you really prepared to hurt and give up what you have with your wife?? you havnent known this other women for a loooong time and people change..i think you should just try to be friends with her..you said you dont think about her sexually..ive found in my past relationships im happy with my man yet sometimes theres something i cant get from him mentally so ive had other male friends who i love (as friends) who i could talk to about certain things or just having different male company keeps me from thinking im missing out on something... also mayb you just miss her company so you feel like you love her but perhaps if you have her as a good friend you wont feel a desire to tell her you love her.i dont know if that helps but i dont think people should ever move backwards in life.. back to old jobs, old loves.. you need to keep moving forward, new experiences are ahead.good luck and give us an update on what happens :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Pardon me for being blunt, but you're not really interested in expressing condolences. You're looking for a way to re-establish contact with an old flame, and you're hoping that the spark from all those years ago can be rekindled and help you feel alive once again. I know that's harsh, but I suspect I know very well where you're coming from.
Young love is an intensely powerful thing. We experience it in our teens, maybe early 20s; it burns intensely. Then we get married, and after decades with the same person, we're left with the memory of the passion that was, but with nothing like it in our day-to-day lives. Particularly if we're shy, we don't even get glimmerings of it again; that makes someone from our past even more appealing, because we think there's a base to start from.
No, you're not going to live forever. And perhaps, for you, it's right to try to find it again. But be honest with yourself from the get-go. You're wanting to contact her to be 17 again, and that's not consistent with your marriage vows.
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