A
male
age
51-59,
*ernDaddy909
writes:I started dating my wife when I was 32, I was 34 when we married and I am 38 now. She was 19 when we started dating and 21 when we married, 25 now. I had 2 sons to my previous marriage. I was very very close to them and I gained custody of them right after I started dating her. She is very quiet and when talk turn serious she clams up and stops talk, at times just teary. This has been a problem for her and I for years and we have went through counseling the counselor saw the problem as being my kids not helping her around the house. But the biggest problem is she never has shown love for them at all. I could not find inner strength to leave her and keep her away, she and I split up 2 times before getting married and once for a month while married. Now, we have a 17 month old son together and I think she is preganant again (2 months). I talked to her a year ago about not wanting more kids and I mentioned it many times again that I was just not wanting that in my life again, that I had gone through it and I am not getting any younger. I feel she stopped taking her birth control on purpose .. The worse thing is my oldest son is no longer living with me and I feel it's in part that she never really tried to relate to them or even be a parent to them. I feel I have grown to resent her for this.Anyways ... I don't know what to do, the relationship is very strained and I think I want out. Regardless of the pregnancy.. I want out.I am depressed that my son is no longer living with me, my work is suffering and I have periods that I have no motivation for anything... and I am a good looking man, a very caring and motivated man .. What in the world should I do ???
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): This makes me very sad as my husband left me when he was about your age. He didn't make any effort to make things work and left me with a new baby and an older child. He also was very good looking and would comment on how he could have anyone he wanted. I feel for your wife as she has been pushed into the background here where your children have come first. It is really hard to love someone elses children howevere hard you try especially when you are playing second fiddle to them all the time. I understand you miss your son but he probably would have moved out at his age anyway and it isn't your wife's fault. She is still very young and doesn't have life's experiences to fall back on. I would imagine she knows you are not very happy and this will make it even harder for her to open up and say how she feels. Quiet types find this very hard, you appear to be far more outgoinga nd vocal in your desires.
Having been the woman who was left i urge you to think carefully before you make this decision and leave your wife with two very young children. My husband found no happiness with me and flaunted his good looks and charm at everyone. I was very attractive myself and have been on the covers of many magazines but looks fade and your children grow up and leave you so think very carefully. My husband also used the exact words of 'I want out' and they are really big warning bells and I feel that you have probably already made your mind up but I urge you just to take a step back and think before walking.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): Sounds like she may be depressed, and you should urge her to seek mental help or counseling. Could be postpartum depression, which is a serious BUT TREATABLE mental illness. Please get her help.
You, sir, were naive indeed to think that you could start dating a 19-year-old girl, yes, GIRL, and that she wouldn't end up overwhelmed being a mother to two kids that weren't hers and two that are, all by the age of 25. You are 13 years older than she is, and 13 years more mature. What is obvious to you may not be obvious to her. Dating and marrying a woman so much younger was probably major flattery to your "good looking" ego, but it means you married a munch younger woman and her mental, intellectual, and emotional maturity is very likely different than yours. Too bad. You can't always have your cake and it eat too, and it's time to step up to the marriage vows you made once upon a time and see if you can work things out before throwing away the new family YOU have helped to start. For starters, make sure you two are on the same page about birth control. If you are really that concerned about it and think she is trying to trick you, then get a vasectomy...unless you're looking to try for more kids with the next young thing you marry after moving on from this relationship? I'm sorry to be blunt, but it sounds as though you have been very cold-hearted to your wife when she is at a vulnerable place in her life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): I think your wife is not communicating out of fear, frustration, and a feeling of being unloved.
You may think you walk on water and that your children deserve to be loved unquestionably by this woman who is not their natural mother. But from her perspective it may be that she feels second best to your children and you may consistently show her this in your behavior. If you have a child centered home instead of a partner centered home, then she is going to feel left out of the loop and out of your heart....she is clamming up out of fear of loss.
If you cannot build a bridge and get her to talk about her fears and for you to express your own without a lot of damage and miscommunication, then it is time to bring an expert in to be a mediator and to help you both process your feelings and solve your issues. I think it is time to seek counseling, don't you? Children are involved, you don't have the right anymore to throw in the towel without earning your way out of this marriage. By this I mean that you have exhausted all alternatives and that you have really worked on solving your problems. Best wishes to you.
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male
reader, wickyricky  +, writes (11 November 2008):
to me it sounds like your wife was jelous and still is and if she isnt happy with your kidds and getting on the way she is i no its easy to say this but leave her thats what i would do but you need to think of your self now and again ..do whats best for you ..let me knoe what happens
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): I'm really upset by todays' disposable marriage mentality!
And what about these two little babies you are bringing into the world??? I don't mean to be harsh...I really don't! Communication between the two of you, and professional help is needed here. Don't just throw your hands up and quit. Try to save the relationship! You're the more mature of the two...take the lead and get some help...for your entire family including your two sons from you prior marriage. I hate to see relationships end so quickly. I wish you all the best! Good Luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): I am in a similar situation as your wife. My boyfriend is thirteen years older than me, and also has two sons from his first marriage. I was 25 when I met him, and am now 26. I adore his children, but they do make me want my own, and I feel like the family will not be complete until my borfriend and I have one together. I think it could help your relationship and her relationship with your children. She was awfully young when she entered stepmotherhood, and she made sacrifices for you and your children. Don't you think it's her time to experience motherhood and that maybe you could make some sacrifices to accommodate for the age difference?
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