A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my current girlfriend now, for, we both reckon, at least 2 years now. We never really both recall the exact date our relationship began, but it doesn't overly matter to us.At first, it was nice. I like how we started out (with a kiss), and it was good to begin with.Recently, however, I've been left questioning my own feelings for her, and other recent events left her questioning her own feelings for me.I think the first time I was left questioning my feelings for her was Valentine's Day this year (2012). We were in 'her area', and passed an Italian I had wanted to try for years. We looked at the menu, both picked things we'd like (I was particularly happy as they had one of my favourite starters, and a decent main I'd like too, along with my undoubted favourite 'type'(?) of red wine as-well). She had already found a pizza on the menu that she'd like, but on the night itself selected something else but with one or two less toppings. Starters were fine, I had my favourite :), and she just had some pizza bread. Mains came, mine was great, and she ate hers...but returned it after only one slice because she didn't like it (and apparently it was slightly burnt, too). This left me sitting there eating my pasta (and drinking the lovely wine) whilst she was waiting for her re-selected main course to come out, which ended up being the same I had ordered for myself. She ate most of it, but left some behind, which I ended up taking home. Like I say, I knew she was fussy over food, but I thought that fussiness was limited to fast food restaurants, where they do make mistakes as I have experienced, but not proper restaurants. I got advice from friends over this, and I think the general consensus was that I should see past/through this, but for me it sort of ruined the supposedly romantic atmosphere of the evening. I have since mostly forgotten about this, but I can never truly forget it.There was perhaps one or two other times between that and the next time, but I think after typing both of them out just now I've realised that the first one is sort of irrelevant now and it's behind us and the second one we were both at fault for really, so onto the next time now...I was off on a day trip with loads of others, and we were on the train. She texts me the following [edited slightly, for grammatical sense]:"I need to know if I am good for you. Why did you love me? I don't understand things anymore"."I need you here with me, I need to hold you, I am in pain and hurting".A few days before this, I had popped into a mutual friends work, possibly just to see him or possibly to get a quick bit of help with something to do with his work, and I think he could sense something was up with me...perhaps I looked down or something, I don't know. It seems he had since made a suggestion to her that she should have sex with me (which would be her first time...), which she's taken the wrong way. I couldn't get off the train at this point to go see her, but we talked briefly on the phone and we agreed to see each other in a few days time. I tried to forget about that for now and not think about it, as it would have ruined the rest of the day. Thankfully with everyone else there, including many people I consider mates, I did mostly forget about it/not think about it.The day we agreed to talk about this, I was meant to go round to hers but she had decided to go out, and was going to be in 'my area'. I said to come round, which she did, but as soon as she was with me she just carried on like nothing was wrong, whatsoever. She said I looked tired...heh....I think I was just apprehensive of this supposed talk we were going to have, or tired of all the crap in this supposed relationship lately. We didn't really do a lot of talking about this, and then she had to go so she did.The latest things were small things, but all add up really.I had my place to myself and invited her round for the night, but she turned me down as she was seeing her Dad (her parents are split up/divorced) the next day. I've not got a problem with her seeing her Dad, but I don't get why she couldn't come round and stay the night with me, when I needed her there, and leave in the morning.Just a few nights or so ago, she had her place to herself, and I stayed two nights with her. Barely got any sleep the first night because she sleeps with the TV on, but the second night I was trying to get some sleep, she noticed I was still awake and asked if I was OK, I said I can't sleep because of the TV, and she turned it off, which got her a quick kiss off me to say thanks. At some point in the morning I think I tried to curl up to her or hold her or something but she didn't like that because my beard was itching her or something so I had to basically back off and went back to my side of her bed.Her Dad apparently doesn't know we're in a relationship, and he'd supposedly kill me if he knew we were.Her Mum seems to not realise we are in a relationship.I seemingly can't kiss her in-front of the mutual friend previously mentioned.I suppose my seemingly dying love for her isn't helped by the fact that I've met someone who is indescribably amazing/perfect....so much so that I'd propose to her right now if I could. But that's seemingly not going to happen now (long story). This whole matter also probably isn't helped lately by an old school friend of mine sort of chasing me.Girlfriend has said to me that I'm the only one who can make her happy, but if I'm going to end up breaking up with her now then it seems I'm going to pretty much ruin her really. I guess it's lucky, in a way, that when we got together she had a condition that if we did break up we'd stay friends. She doesn't know about either of these other two people, but she probably wouldn't want to know anyway, nor really care, as she's basically left our relationship open at my end so that I can, for want of a better description, 'sleep around', but I have never used this 'benefit', and even if I do get the chance to use it I'd probably still feel a slight bit of guilt.She blurted out a serious question a while back, asking me if I want to move in with her, but that's a while away yet as she's moving out herself so she wants me to move in with her at her new place.It's all a bit of a mess really, and I really don't know what to do, hence coming out with all of this in the hope of some much-needed advice from you wise(r(?)) lot on here.Thank you so very much, not only for reading through all of this, but also in advance for your advice too. It really is appreciated oh so very much.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 Personally,probbaly I would not even bother with the last ditch effort, I'd just colour her gone. And why the last ditch effort, to make something work... that never worked that much to begin with. ? I don't know, but if you ask me, when it's all a push-and- pull is not about love, but just about ego and / or lust, and as such, sort of compulsive and not really worth investing all of oneself in.
Said that, nevertheless... I agree with Aunty Em. Make your last attempt, in the way and scope she suggests, and see what happens. If you don't ,maybe you'll have this nagging feeling of "what if ". Instead, if you make one lst final try, at least you will have closure and some peace of mind even if it does not work.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 July 2012):
 She isn't calling you?, I'd say she's pretty much gone!
If you want to talk to her one more time to see if it can be saved then you probably need to make contact and arrange to meet up...if she makes excuses then you need to ask her if you and her are done.
If she does meet you then it might be a good idea to point out some of the things I suggested in my first post:
That you want to start having more intimate relations with her.
That you want her family to know you are dating her ...even her dad.
That you was more action on her part to show she is committed.
If you see her and don't make any changes, then things will quickly slide. There needs to be effort on both sides or basically, you are just flogging a dead horse.
You need to give it one last shot...if she doesn't reciprocate, then at least you know you tried everything you could.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, to update.We still haven't seen each other or even spoken to each other since I spent the two nights round hers, and now I'm not even sure if we are still together - she'd normally have called me a few more times than the one single call I missed from her. I'm left thinking I do just want to "ship out", but at the same time I don't just want to do that there and then and be done with it, I'd like to give it one last push to see if we can still make it work, or talk before 'the end'.With that in mind, could someone possibly do me a much appreciated favour and recap what I ought to be asking or saying for when I next see her. I've tried to read through it all myself and work it out, but what with this whole thing on my mind constantly, I just can't do it.As always, you know it is genuinely, honestly, truly appreciated and I thank you in advance again.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 June 2012):
Thanks x Mines a bacardi and coke Lol x
Let me know how it goes x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so very much again, really is seriously appreciated. I guess you're right, and I do need to do that, undoubtedly ideally sooner rather than later.
I believe we'll be definitely seeing each other in person early on into July, when I've got to give her something she's asked me to do for her, so at least I've got the time to think about roughly what to say, and perhaps how to say it.
I guess that, unless you've got any last minute advice for me, I'll be updating this question page within the next fortnight-or-so.
Thanks once again for your much appreciated advice. I appreciate it so much that if ever do get the chance to meet in person...I owe you a large drink of your choice! :-)
THANK YOU x
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 June 2012):
''Who knows, perhaps my unluckiness in love means I'll sort of settle for anything at least reasonable to keep me happy''
My friend you are not unlucky in love...just unlucky with her because she is making things difficult.
When you look at it as a whole, it boils down to one thing...you arn't happy and things are not getting better.
Don't just settle, you are young, there are many other people to meet and build a life with.
Just because you have invested a couple of yearss in the wrong girl, does not mean you have to stick it out for the rest of your life.
Like I said, talk to her, put your terms on the table...if she cannot answer or evades giving you some positive hope of change...then I think you have finished your work here.
Good Luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both of you for your advice. I'll respond in the order the answers display.
I wasn't ever infatuated with her. At first, I really did love her, and would be walking along with her, holding hands, and I'd randomly say to her "I love you", to which she'd reply "I know". I wouldn't say this is infatuation, as we've been together for at least 2 years, if not more now. But, yes, my love for her is waning. I'm pretty sure I'm not, at least not yet, in love with her, but I do at least care about her greatly. Who knows, perhaps my unluckiness in love means I'll sort of settle for anything at least reasonable to keep me happy.
Like I say, I've generally put the Valentine's Day meal behind us, but I just can't forget it. OK perhaps I'm overdoing things saying her returning her order ruined the romantic mood, I guess it maybe just annoyed me or something.
You're probably right, I might not have noticed this first girl were I in-love with my girlfriend, but I did and she led me on...but enough about her for now.
I guess you right, I should break it off. I think I will have to, unless things get better/improve in the relationship.
AuntyEm, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head with your advice!
Her mum seems to mostly know that we're in a relationship. She knew I was sleeping over for the two night recently, but she's often too busy with work to pay much attention to it all. Her Dad isn't English, but I don't really get why he can't know about me and his daughter being together.
Yes, we've slept together a few times now, but I don't 'get any action' from her because she's frigid, and still a virgin. Hence why she always has left the relationship open at my end, for now at least.
Yep, annoying habits that I think I'm starting to get tired of.
In my eyes, this other woman I've met is perfect. There is nothing I would change about her except her last name.
Yep, too many constraints.
She hasn't tried much, really. But then I'd wonder if I have really tried much myself.
She has said that if we did move in together she would 'let me have her' at this new place - but as you say that may be the whole dangling of the carrot in-front of me! For some as yet unknown reason she doesn't want to do it in her current bed, and we've never as yet slept in my bed.
Yep, probably is time to make a stand. If the relationship changes/improves, I'd be happier.
Yes I am afraid to upset her because I'm a kind, friendly guy at heart. Nail on the head with the rest of that paragraph.
Thank you for the advice regarding moving in together. I'll certainly take that on-board if it gets to that point.
Yep, you're right again. Sexless backstreet affair...couldn't have put it better myself.
I guess I should try to do as above and try to get more out of her in this relationship. I only get to kiss her and perhaps a little fondle of her breasts and/or bum. I will probably see if she'll let me kiss her passionately, which would be nice, and perhaps do some more things.
Thank you once again for your advice on this, really honestly do appreciate it so very much.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 June 2012):
It does not sound so messy to me, IMO it's pretty straightforward. You went off her for some reason, or for no reason at all- i.e. the reason being probably that you are both young and that young people get infatuated and they take this infatuation for love, and when the excitement of the novelty wears off, and things become a bit routine, feelings start to wane and people feel guilty in admitting " I just wan't THAT into her ( or him ), so they have to pick pretexts to be turned off.
Like the Valentine's day dinner - oh come on, do you really mean that her returning her order and choosing something else spoiled the romantic mood ? ....Only because you wanted it to be so . A man in love would probably have gushed " Oooh I LOVE this girl, she is sweet but assertive, feminine but she knows what she wants and how to get it- she is the whole package ". You are not in love, so she comes off to you as " fussy ".
It's not a coincidence then that you met not one but TWO women that could be good matches for you if only blah blah. The fact is that the first one could have been the most perfect girl on earth , and you would not have noticed , had you been in love with your current gf.
In this light, it's pointless to look for an explanation about why she did not want to sleep over at yours , or why she made you sleep on your side of the bed etc. I mean, there's one, and I could have a few surmises, but , really, who cares, you are getting tired ( and maybe she is too, subconsciously, even if she denies it verbally ), you'd feel like a cad in just telling her : guess what, I am sick of you, so you have to come up with some manifactured deal braekers. I said manifactured not because what you mention is not real, or does not really bother you, but because these things would not bother any man really invested in the relationship.
You are SO ready to ship out , my friend, even if probably you are not ready to admit it... habit, convenience, guilt, laziness, fear of loneliness, you name it... but you are , and I think you'd better take the bull by the horns rather than dragging on something that's not working anymore.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 June 2012):
I had to read this a couple of times to make some sense of it.
The jist I got is that you are both twentysomethings in a relationship that he family would not approve of.
You sleep together but don't have sex and you can't kiss or show affection in front of certain other people.
She has given you the go ahead to sleep with other people (open relationship your end) but up to now, you haven't.
She has a few annoying habits that you find irritating (fussiness over food, clingy when you are with your mates)
You have met a couple of other women, one of which you think is perfect (perfect don't exist my friend)
Now what do I think about that.
Hmmm I think your relationship has way too many constraints upon it. You are trying your best but it's understandable that the sex issue and the fact her family don't know she is dating is really starting to get to you because you can't really do anything about it.
She seems a little immature and controlling, she knows what to say to make you feel worried, but how has she tried to make your relationship better?
She has asked you to move in with her??? Does that mean you guys are gonna tell her parents and that you can start having sex??? Cos she doesn't seem to be saying that but is dangling a carrot to keep you on the hook.
You are right, it is messy but I think it's time for you to make a stand.
You seem afraid to upset her and also seem unable to speak your mind and that is why you feel so helpless.
It is time to lay your cards on the table. Tell her you want her parents to know about you both and that you would like to have access to all areas of your relationship with her and that includes intimacy and sex. Tell her if she wants you to live with her that she has to show you she is committed and that the relationship has to be proved to be moving foward (choosing household items together, paying bills, saving for things you both need, having sex, being affectionate in front of people...all normal stuff for people who are in love)
If she cannot meet you half way and show that your relationship with her is nothing more than a sexless, backstreet affair where you are afraid to open your mouth for fear of upsetting her then I seriously think it's time to quit and date someone else.
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