A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with my mother in law who likes to sit on my husbands lap for photos - not every time but just when she feels like it that is what she does. She just gets up off a chair and sits on their lap and this seems 'normal' to them but not to me. My father in law is usually the one taking the photo and he seems to think it is normal - at least he never says anything. My husband is in his 30's and he has two younger brothers (no more than 3 years younger)and she also sits on their lap. There are several photos in the family album like it and one where she is laying across all three of their laps! I have tried to think of reasons to justify it but I find it strange and actually very uncomfortable and well ... quite sexual. The thing is I don't want to bring a child into the world with my husband with what I feel is inappropriate behaviour going on around them but feel helpless to speak out more. I mentioned it once to my husband and he just brushed it off. When I mentioned it again he got angry with me as if it was me in the wrong so I have left it alone but it has started to affect how I feel about him sexually. I just can't help it. When I think back my mother in law is very tactile around her 'boys' which of course can be loving and warm but I have always considered an adult woman sitting on an adult mans lap as something a couple do. There have been other things too. Before we were married my husband (who was about 19 or 20 at the time) was still living at his parents house and I stayed over one time. My husband was getting dressed in his bedroom and I was sitting on the bed reading a magazine just chilling out. He was in his underpants just selecting some clothes from his wardrobe when his mother just walked straight in the room in her pants and a bra, looked at me and my slightly shocked face and walked up to my (now) husband and said how much she missed him (he was studying away from home for several weeks at that time). She gave him a hug and I can remember even hubby looked a bit awkward. There have been numerous other 'little' incidents (like her insisting on rubbing cream into their back or thighs if they are aching or tired) and other actions that have made me feel uncomfortable. I asked my Mum what she thinks and she said she would never do that with my brother because it is wrong - she said once he started puberty she made sure he had his space and was careful about privacy. So I have very little to go on here hence why I am posting here. It is a very delicate subject but I cannot tolerate it any more as it has started to affect how I feel sexually towards my husband. How can I deal with this? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): I am sorry to hear of your distress. Actually it is stepping over a boundary but that boundary is not necessarily sexual. It may be affection but it could be a possessive demonstration. That visually your mother in law is saying my son is mine and sitting on his lap makes that point clearly. However because two adults in a sexual relationship will flirt by sitting in this manner to appear to replicate that with a son can be deemed inappropriate. It doesnt make you a prude by the way. Even if that intention is not there it is important and the responsibility of a mother to navigate and promote clear boundaries at certain ages to allow boy to become man. Her going into his bedroom in her underwear to be affectionate may also have been more about her making the point he is hers in front you. Having then read your later post about your husbands mother sitting topless at the dinner table in front of her sons to test their sexual stimulation then that is absolutely wrong and damaging. The fact your husband remembers such experiences as wrong tells you so. Knowledge of such acts may be making you look out for similar scenarios playing out now and give you concerns about bringing up a child in this family dynamic. People unaware of other events judge you unfairly. The point I am making is that lap sitting in isolation is hard to assess but other things create a different picture entirely. You mention other things have happened but you wont mention so I assume they are more like the topless scenario. If so I can understand your concerns. Rather than blame your judgement we should all spend time reading up on healthy mother son boundaries. In addition whilst I completely agree that professional help will support you in your approach, some of the assumptions that OP is the one with the problem are precisely why varying levels of abuse are silenced and brushed over in families. If someone thinks they will be criticised outright for airing their concerns then nobody speaks up. If I read this post and saw some of the replies I might be put off ever doing so. Ultimately with or without professional help you need to make some decisions for your future.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 January 2015):
 The word that came to mind as I read this is dementia. As in, your MIL seems to be displaying some signs of dementia.
That would account for the odd behavior, and if she's been like this for a whike, why her family brushes it off, because acknowledging that there's a problem would mean acknowledging that mom has a brain disease. And that's a devastating diagnosis.
I would review her behavior with that health professional, as he or she might have a more clinical and objective view than yourself or mom's family.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2015): OP here again. It is hard to convey the manner in which the lap sitting happens. It is good advice to seek the support of a professional in ascertaining my approach. At the end of the day my discomfort is my discomfort whether or not it is deemed 'right'. The reason I haven't tackled the topic sooner is because I thought as my husband got older it may dwindle. As so many people seem to think I have a problem I will mention something my husband told me that his mother did... when he was about 12 and his brothers were sitting around a table having dinner his mother sat at the table topless. Everyone else was clothed. His father told his mother to stop it and put some clothes on and his mother said "I just wanted to see if they were interested" but perhaps now you can see my concerns. I don't think exposing yourself should be a test for the sexuality of three little boys. There are other things but in my OP I haven't mentioned them and won't now. I have spoken to my best friends husband in confidence yesterday evening and he said "ugghhh no sorry I really wouldn't want to imagine my mother sitting in my lap. If she did she would either be drunk or on a bet". I think one thing I have concluded is that boundaries of intimacy are all different and they should be respected BOTH ways.
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (24 January 2015):
I would be uncomfortable with it too. I grew up in a family that rarely if ever gave hugs let alone sitting in each others laps, so maybe that influences my opinion. I am thinking maybe this is just how the family are, I would advise you to talk this over with a professional person about how to approach your husband again regarding this subject. Sorry I dont have any better advice, but I just want to say I understand why you would think this odd. Best wishes
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): This is a very sensitive situation. It doesn't help that other people are acting like it's okay behaviour. I do feel it necessary to mention that, if you were dating your boyfriend when he was 19 or 20, and he is now in his 30's, then you have had years to approach this subject with his mother as well as just him. Okay the times you have spoke to him didn't end well, which is his fault by the way, because as your husband, he should have listened and been there for you. You're both meant to be a team. But back to point, it sounds over the top what this woman is doing, like she hasn't grown with her kids and made that transition from mommy coddling to....well not that.If my Mum did that to my partner, I would find it weird and tell her to get off him, so I can understand your frustration. Although it's a small situation, it has big consequences. People will get upset whichever way you approach this. You could either speak to your mother-in-law, saying that you were brought up in a different environment, and in these recent years you've only just felt comfortable enough to tell her how you really feel about her actions. OR you could approach your husband again, telling him the whole truth, of how it's made you feel, how you don't want kids now until the situation is fixed and that after you've spoken to him, you'll be speaking to his mother. Obviously a lot is on the line here, but whatever the outcome, it's meant to be. You shouldn't be forced into an uncomfortable environment, just because a head of the family is acting inappropriately and no one dares say anything
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 January 2015):
 FWIW I would not allow my sons to sit on my lap
I would not sit on my daddy's lap past puberty.
I think it's a personal comfort level for folks.
as almost everyone here has said... it does not and would not bother them. I might not be thrilled about it either so I can sense your discomfort.
that does not mean anything hinky is going on just that your comfort zone is very narrow.
IF you must discuss this make sure to place ALL the blame for the issue on yourself as this is YOUR issue not his or theirs.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 January 2015):
 I should be careful to suggest this might have something to do with a history of sexual abuse? Maybe you're feeling like a victim here, but I do not think I should be "careful" in mentioning aspects that could be crucial to understanding the topic. It was a suggestion on why you perhaps feel the way you do, and if there IS such history in your family, then that would explain a lot of your feelings and you would have had even more cause to talk to a professional.
I didn't share my own family history of sexual abuse with you in order to point fingers, but to tell you how things sometimes are. And if that was the case then I'd have more understanding for your point of view. Sorry that you got offended. As it is, with no history of sexual abuse in your family, all I am left with is that you come off as a prude, and like someone also said, you've sexualized something innocent.
These are things that you could get help with from a professional. And I do not see why this suggestion is taken as an offense. Seeing a therapist is both healthy and normal, and good for each and every one of us. When you're dealing with something you can't figure out on your own, that is destructive, then talking to a professional is the most responsible course of action.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): OP here. Chi Girl though I appreciate your lengthy reply YOU should be careful in suggesting my past might be somehow influenced by sexual abuse and thus my view coloured by it. You are judging my feelings only negatively though I accept advice is what I asked for. My parents were affectionate and kind and I never felt unloved and certainly not abused. I don't need psychological help with my own family dynamic just how to approach my discomfort with these situations. I also don't take a moral high ground as this is something I have gradually come to feel worse and worse about over a long time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (24 January 2015):
 I find it odd and I couldn't imagine ever wanting to be like that with any children I have in the future, but I don't necessarily think it's sexual. If she wasn't his mother, it probably would be, but he could always tell her not to, so I'm assuming it's their normal family "way". You knew and married him anyway, so why does it bother you so much now?
It could even be a territorial "these are still my boys" or even babying them because she's still doing things you'd do for a child that most adults would feel uncomfortable having done for them - unless it was the norm for them, which it is here.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): I think it is you that has the problem. You are making a big deal of nothing some families simply show more affection. Your mind has perverted something very innocent. This is your problem your husband and his mother have done nothing wrong. Stop looking at it as a sexual thing and look at it as your husband is lucky to have such a loving mom. Come on there are a lot worse problems you could have with your mother in law if this is the biggest you are lucky.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 January 2015):
 OP my question to you is, you knew all this before you got married, so why didn't you raise this issue then? And why is it affecting you so much now when you were already prepared for this behavior?
You saw her during the time your fiance was courting you and its been more than 10 years now. You say your fiance was 19-20 when the mom walked in in her bra and he's now in his 30s' so its been more than 10 years that you've seen of your MIL so what's bothering you now?
You always knew that if you got married to this guy you would eventually have a child with him in this environment and its not that you didn't know what you were getting into so why is this starting to affect you now in the way you feel for your husband sexually?
I can imagine a newly married woman who had absolutely no clue about what she was getting into, feeling shocked and scandalized but what I don't understand is, you had all the time in the world to decide and prepare yourself for this behavior and you even had the choice to either not marry the guy or to make it very clear to him that this behavior is unacceptable. I'm not going to moralize and say if what she's doing is right or wrong because its her house, her kids and that's the way THEY go about things. Its not that they're forcing you to do what they're doing. Why be judgmental when you knew exactly what the situation was and when its been more than 10 years into the relationship?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 January 2015):
There's nothing sexual about this. If you're so uncomfortable about something so harmless, then maybe you married the wrong man. Oh well, now you're already married to him, so my best advice to you is to let this pass. It is NOT a big problem, it is NOT sexual, and it is NOT "inappropriate behavior" (your mom not doing this does not dictate what other people should or shouldn't do). Since when did you become the moral police who gets to sit on her high horse and tell other grown ups, some who are far older than you even, what they should and shouldn't do?
Seeing as you take something so random (in my eyes) and places it in such a negative box, adding sexual thoughts to a mother sitting on the lap of her son... I say maybe you need to speak to someone about these thoughts? As in a professional? You should try to get to the bottom of why you feel the way you feel about this, because the act itself is neither sexual or inappropriate. Not all families do this, but some do. Maybe you're not used to it. Or maybe you have difficulties with identifying where the line goes, perhaps due to a history of inappropriate contact between adults/children in your own life?
My mother was sexually abused by a family member from a very young age. When me and my brother were little (to this day actually) she never really touched us. Maybe a hug, that's it. Perhaps a kiss on the cheek, that's as far as she'd ever go. She was, and still is, very "cold" and distant, both physically and psychologically. Growing up I didn't understand/see this, other than I notice other moms were much more affectionate and showing more feeling towards their children. But I thought THEY were the ones who went too far, as when you're a child you can only see your own life as "normal" and don't understand that things can be otherwise.
As an adult, and knowing now my mothers past, I understand why she is the way she is. But at the same time, I do not want to be so distant with my own children. I do not want to be afraid to touch them. As long as I know that I do not have any such bad intention, touching and being intimate is NOT wrong. Children love affection, cuddles, hugs and kisses. The line between what is loving, and what is sexual, is in the head of the adult in the relationship. The adult is the one who controls things, and set the boundaries. As long as the adult in question does NOT have sexual thoughts/inappropriate intentions, then a hug and a cuddle is not wrong. The body in itself is not sexual, naked or not. It is natural. The sexual side of things only comes into play where there are sexual intentions.
I think you should talk to someone about this. Not your husband, but maybe a close friend or a professional. It will be very damaging to your marriage if you start accusing your husband of sexual thoughts about his mother or vice versa. And that is what you mean when you say "inappropriate", you mean SEXUAL, and that is how your husband will hear it too.
...............................
|
