A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I work in a clinical setting and I like to be organised,clean and tidy. My boyfriend of a year is scruffy and doesn't make himself tidy or presentable to see me. He works on his car and house a lot. We talked and csne up with a compromise. In exchange of doing some jobs for me I bought him some clothes he helped me choose. I suggested he could shower here and change if keeping clean is too difficult at his place which is very dusty and like a building site abd has been for two years. He says he cant be bothered because he's tired and just wants to relax at my place. I understand but I work hard too and always make an effort for him. I like his intelligence and motivation and he's a deep thinker and can be kind and reliable and thoughtful. He has dyslexia and he gets mentally exhausted with pushing himself to do too much. He doesn't make a lot of money compared to the hours he puts into his business and is constantly tired. He don't share things with me and says he's trying to change but marriage and living together haven't really been on the cards for him. I suspect he's slightly Aspergers too as he doesn't like social situations and never suggests eating out or going anywhere.I can accept things apart from the chaotic living style and the scruffy appearance. Even his family say he looks like he's walked out of a jumble sale. I don't know if I can take much more. I care about him and love him but he never seems to need intimacy and has a low sex drive. I'm a warm and tactile person who is beginning to feel more and more turned off by his lack of personal care and dirty clothes : (
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): I'd say you're both incompatible. I don't want to come-off too pessimistic for you. You are trying to change him. Maybe you have to do a little adapting yourself.
Please don't get me wrong. You've been quite fair. You've compromised and gone beyond the call. I'd even say you've pretty much put-up with it longer than most people would. He's the manly-man type; and appearance just doesn't matter to him. Something attracted you to him all the same. Clean-scruffy can be adorable.
My boyfriend owns a stone masonry/architecture design and brick-laying business. It's pretty successful. He designs fancy stone patios, ornamental brick walks, stairs, pillars, and fancy stone walls. He likes to get his hands dirty. He sweats all day and he's always dusty. Head to foot. He gets in there with his crew, and he's got the muscles to show he works hard. I've gotten used to his dirty work clothes, dusty boots, work gloves, and filthy-dirty shirts. My first partner was an attorney. This is a huge difference. From white collar to blue.
Sometimes he comes straight-over from work, and showers at my place. We don't live together. I had him bring over some comfortable stuff and dress clothes. I don't mind laying them out for him. I know how dog-tired he is at the end of a day. I've helped him on jobs during the summer, and we both looked like coal-miners at the end of the day.
He prefers a clean tee-shirt and dressy jeans, over prissy oxford shirts and khakis. I tidy him up when the occasion calls for it. I guess, I've grown accustomed to his ways. I'm more meticulous about my appearance, but he cleans up well. So I dress him up like a "Ken-doll" if the occasion is suit and tie. Maybe you can lay out things and take him out to dinner sometime. Why wait for him to do it?
He's too tired, but you deserve a night out and some entertainment. Let him rest-up, and schedule things days in advance and insist on it. Put your foot down, girlfriend!
Plan ahead and take the reigns. You plan the dates and entertainment; and let him know how much you need and deserve it!!! Insist that he put aside time for taking his lady out on the town. If you want a woman, you've got to treat her right! Either that, or hit the road!
Aspergers or not, if he wants a girlfriend; he's got to clean-up and take you out. "Disheveled" after work is okay, it's not a fashion-trend. Even if you have to dress him up like I do mine. I don't know about yours, but mine seems to like the "valet-treatment." I get some pretty-good perks for it. He's sweet, and I don't mind when he doesn't shave for a couple of days. The irony is, he shaves his head and wears baseball caps a lot. He'd rather go to a barber for a shave and head wax. When he can ever find the time. In between, he doesn't look like he earns the money he does.
If you workout a routine together; you'll "train" him without nagging. Your guy sounds like he just doesn't really know how to dress-up, and doesn't give a hoot about fashion. Some guys are like that. They don't change.
Other than that, what has kept you together this long? He must have some redeeming-qualities? If he doesn't meet you halfway, maybe it's time to show him the door. Time to look for a guy who keeps up his appearance, and offers you what a sophisticated-woman wants and deserves. Perhaps you're a little out of his league.
My guy has good hygiene, mind-you; but he has a dirty job and works long hours. Somebody has to appreciate him for who he is. A hard-worker, a good boss, and a damned good lover. I do. So I've made some adjustments. I bitch when enough is enough. He gets it. I ain't perfect, nor a sucker.
I just have to sweep and shovel sand and grit out of my entry-ways and halls now and then. You choke on dust if you pat him on the back, or shake his hand. He's like the "Charlie Brown" cartoon-character "Pig-Pen." Google it if you must.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): You have already put a year into this relationship and already big problems are coming up.
To be honest.... you're not asking a lot from him yet you're nice enough to accept all his excuses and even make a compromise.
I think you need to re-evaluate whether or not it's worth putting more time into this relationship that's already come to a fork in the road so early on in the relationship
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (24 January 2015):
 You can't change someone who doesn't want to change, so you have to decide on if you can love this person (as is) for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, kath35  +, writes (24 January 2015):
Let him know you care deeply about him and are generally considered about his personal hygiene habits it's not healthy for him and also a huge turn off to you honest is always the best policy If you want your relationship to be able to grow and improve see what his response was to that let me know if you want or need anything else I will be praying for you and your boyfriend and both of your family ?? God bless you and him and both of your families
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