A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I dated my wife when young and she dumped me. Then she went right to another guy that she married. They were together for about 5 years. Then they divorced with no kids. He wanted the divorce not her. She said a long time ago she didn't want a divorce and was happy being married. During the divorce we met again and it was instant attraction. We married a few years later and have a nice family for almost 20 years now. My problem is that I have always felt hollow someplace inside and don't really feel special. Why? I feel that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with someone else and is only with me because that didn't work out. We get along great all this time but that feeling constantly nags at me. The only thing people say is the past is the past or all that made her what she is today, that just doesn't wash with me though. Any thoughts? Thanks a lot.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): Well Fruits of past actions are to be accepted by all the HUman beings. If mistakes have been made, results need to be accepted with Grace. you can not do any thing, but to live with that feelings. you can not wash the memories t hat she left you for some one else, and you were the second choice. She in the deep of her heart knows that she made a msitake earlier and now she corrcted that to an extent. But unfortunately, In the same world you and she need to live with Ex being also part of same world. She should not have experimented multiple guys in first place and all would have been good. But in liberal individualistic soceity, collective pains are much higher if you see from total perspective.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011):
I believe bluecow has given you good advice. She has chosen to be with you.
However, I can see why you feel the way you do. She dumped you for someone else and you feel she would still be with him if she could. You feel that maybe some day she will go back to him if he allowed her. That's a perfectly valid way to feel given what has transpired. There is probably still pain from the first breakup, too.
I would suggest you talk to her about this, but to be honest she probably won't understand at all. She might get upset that she has given 20 years to you and yet you doubt her. Instead, speak to a therapist about this. He or she may help you overcome these feelings and might also possibly coach you into how to speak to your wife or maybe even bring your wife in at some point. Having a neutral third party involved with help you understand your feelings and if your wife knows you love her enough to seek help she will be more forgiving of you. Hearing it from a professional may also make her realize how much you are hurting, that your feelings are valid, and that you really want to stay with her.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Honestly, these types of situations are not uncommon. I know most people refuse to acknowledge these things, as it doesn't bode well for people's egos, self-esteem and their sense of security. We all want to be loved, but above all, we want to be loved the most and thought of as 'the love of their life'. Realistically though, a lot of women and men end up marrying a partner, who is not their first or ideal choice. There are many reasons for this: they were not interested in a relationship with them, they cheated or rejected them, or they were toxic or otherwise incompatible long term. She may have desired and loved her ex more than you, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or would leave you for him. If you bring this up, it's highly unlikely that she will admit the truth. It won't do your mind or the marriage any good if you dig in this territory. If you have a stable, loving marriage, try to deviate from these thoughts. Yes, she would have stayed with her ex-husband if he hadn't left her....It doesn't mean she would willingly go back if he wanted her back. People move on and get wiser with their emotional investments. You may not be her greatest love, but you are her love now and have been for 20 years. Kill the idealistic visions in your and enjoy life.
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A
female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 have you spoken to her about this?
You have been bottling this up for a very long time, it will probably come as a shock to her.
The way I see things, SHE chose to be with you. SHE chose you to be the father of her children, SHE chose you to make a long lasting marriage with. SHE wouldnt still be here unless she wanted to.
She didnt "settle for second best", she chose the best man who she obviously realised she loved. Lucky girl got two bites of the cherry.
I suggest that if you havent spoken about this to her that you do so soon, perhaps with counselling involved to try and sort out your anxiety.
Best wishes x
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