A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It's a classic case of being in a relationship, but liking someone else.It all started nearly a year and a half ago now, I realised I liked one of my best male friends, let's call him Tom. We became quite close and talked a lot and the feelings grew. But he obviously didn't know. It was then that one of my close girlfriends, let's call her Kelly, started dating him. I tried to get over him the best I could but when we all moved away from home for college we just became closer and my feelings grew even more. The trouble was, he had a girlfriend during the first semester.Over christmas we flirted a lot and he hinted several times that he liked me but knowing he had a girlfriend, I tried to ignore it. We left back for college again after xmas and one of my friends there, let's call him Connor, started flirting, confessed he liked me and at a loss of what to do about Tom, agreed to date him to see if it would help get over him.Tom and I didn't talk as much as before and by Easter vacation we didn't seem as close. However, we still went out like normal. It was then I realised that my attempts were futile and I liked him more than ever. Deciding to dump Connor, my boyfriend, I flirted with a now single Tom and he reciprocated. But I later found out he had been fooling around with Kelly over the vacation.I split from my bf to do the decent thing but we soon got back together. I still spoke to Tom and I thought I was completely over him, sick of him getting the better of me, but now Summer vacation is here and we are all back home and my bf is miles away, I can tell I still like Tom and I would rather him - friend or more - over my bf, who says he loves me but I don't feel the same. But Tom has a new gf - also long distance - and I know things won't be the same while we're both in relationships. Do I dump my bf and be honest to spare him the hurt later or do I carry on with him, trying harder than ever to forget my feelings for Tom? Please help, because I'm so confused but want to do the right thing causing as little hurt as possible.Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHeya, thanks to you both for the help. I took the advice and split up with my bf. He's not too happy about it as expected but it's a weight off of mind and now I know no one is getting hurt more than is expected.
It would be hard to tell Tom that I'm v.interested - In response to Danielepew - because my close girlfriend still likes him and she is always going to get in the way, so its highly unlikely that anything will ever happen with us, as sad as that is. But then maybe I deserve it for being with someone while liking another.
But like you - sleepyhollow - suggested, I'm gonna have a bash at being single. It can't hurt and could be a lot more fun.
Again, thank you both. :)
A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (12 June 2007):
There's a classic solution to your classic problem.
Be single for a while. It won't hurt you to just be single. Don't date. Just hang out with good friends, and make new friends. Focus on the important part of developing yourself and your studies to ensure that you are a worthwhile and decent human being. Situations with a lot of drama are typically draining and tend to be destructive, and people like you end up being tossed around and lost in the turbulence.
So take a break from both of them. Distance will either make the heart grow fonder or you'll start to forget, and either way - at the end of a year long hiatus from romantic relationships, I'm sure things will look a lot clearer.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (12 June 2007):
 If you don't love your bf, dump him now. Spare him any hurt.
If you love Tom, tell him. Maybe things will be as you wish. Maybe not, but then it's unfair to keep your bf as backup.
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