A
female
age
30-35,
*oodbyehello93
writes:MODERATOR'S NOTE: Two questions from same asker combined.I don't want to say that I'm just another girl with a relationship problem/question, but it seems to be just that. I have diagnosed myself with the fact that I have commitment problems. I've noticed this early on. 8th grade to now (12th grade) I have been with many guys but they were very very temporary. I wouldn't even call them relationships.. just "things". It would last for a while then when we finally try to finalize it and make it public, I would quickly lose interest. I'd find things about him that I really dislike and that small thing turns my heart right around. What do I do with this issue? Am I just aiming low subconsciously in my head so that I know that I will get the guy when I know he's not my type? Or do I really have issues?I'm so frustrated and tired. Out of all the guys that I have liked and had "things" with, he was the only guy that ever lasted. We had this great friendship as our foundation and we had the same religious beliefs and I thought that he would lead me to be a better person when together.. that's what relationships are for, right? Well, anyways, he talks to his pastor and he basically said no and disapproved of our relationship. A day after that conversation, he tells me that he doesnt like me anymore when before the conversation he seemed just fine. The more I think of this situation, the more frustrated I get. Did he really lose interest because of that talk and all or did he already lose interest but just needed an excuse to back out of it? I cant get over the 'what ifs' in my head. like.. "what if he still likes me and he's doing this for my own good, my relationship with God and trying to preserve me?" Help! I want to get over him, but seems likes those questions are blocking my way! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, goodbyehello93 +, writes (7 October 2010):
goodbyehello93 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow, thanks! These past few days has been a breakthrough for me, truly. I've realized that I don't need or want a guy right now. I mean, of course I want a relationship, to feel belonged to someone, but I realized that it's not my time right now. I do have confidence/esteem issues with myself that I definitely need to patch up before I even think about reaching out my hand to another boy. Thanks so much for your guys' encouragement and advice!
A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (3 October 2010):
 To the first question, commitment is a decision. It's a decision that you make based on any number of reasons and those reasons should not all be emotional. I think it's a normal human desire to want to be in a relationship with a person we attraction for but attraction in itself can't be the only reason that you commit. If that were the case, every time that you met a new charming person you'd want to break up with you partner and get together with the new person.
If you think that you have commitment issues, then take a slightly more logical approach to your relationships and try to be with guys that you think have good qualities and are worth being with even if you don't feel interested or attracted all the time. If your issue is not a deep-seeded one, then this approach should provide some change. If it's a deeper issue then you may have to look into counselling to figure out what the cause of this habit is.
To the second question, loss is a difficult process. It's rarely simple and rarely short-lived. So give yourself some time to adjust and to process the event. In psychology, there's currently a movement toward the use of meditation to help cope with the unrelenting "what ifs" that can flood your mind. You may wish to look into it (just google "mindfulness").
In the end, there needs to be acceptance of the event. You don't have any of the answers to your "what ifs" and you may never get any of those answers. All you know is that you've broken up and that you're now left with the problem "What do I do now?" You could continue to think about it and continue stressing yourself out or you could turn your mind to other things like meditation, spending time with your friends, etc. It's really up to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): Hey you :)
Keep your head up. Your promiscouity is a sign of damaged self esteem and confidence perhaps and that makes you yearning for men to bring that to you some how. I think it may be apparent in that you depend on men to bring about who you are which is why you maybe confused as to your own personal identity. I say this with kind respect and is common among young women.
I think you may have high expectations for men maybe as you find little things that you hate that turn your feelings around. Dont put us men on pedestals and say were perfect...we have flaws and are human def. However, its those flaws that make us special cause it motivates us to work harder in life like you are doing here, which should be quite encouraging for you.
I think you need to define yourself a bit more and then decide what you want in a guy. Youre still very young. I thought I was defined at 18 or 19 or even 22. I was so wrong. Maturing and growing will help you realize who you are and what you need relationship wise and most importantly what you seek in a man.
As far as this guy who consulted his pastor, Id say forget him. He's judgmental it sounds. I understand Christianity and its views on relations, esp sexual. He sees your various things as a warning sign to the future, which I dont blame him. However, he still doesnt realize youre young, insecure, and still very normal for making mistakes. Just because you have a bad past doesnt necessarly mean youre a bad person. Its how you learn from that past and move on and apply it to life that counts.
My advice: Forget this guy because he's impatient, possibly judgmental, and uninformed with life experiences. For yourself, you shouldnt be with guys right now. Focus on you and come into your own. Rack up some more hobbies. try to get involved with your community. Hang with your girlies ( i e cook some dinner and watch grey's together ;p). Find yourself a little bit and then hopefully you'll gain some more confidence so you can confidently approach your next guy and relationship knowing what you want and what your goals are so you can make something last. Best to you :)
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