A
female
age
,
*alaniohh
writes:I have been married for 30 years, 3 children and 2 grandchildren. My husband needs to take medicine for Bipolar, which he refuses. He is not really any part of this house other than he works and comes home. That is all he thinks is neccacerry for a relationship.I have been very unhappy for 20 maybe 25 years or more. Now the trouble comes in when I have met a gentleman at my apartment complex. He takes care of things round here. We have struck up conversations on all sorts of subjects. We like music, baseball and food, he likes to eat and I like to cook. I feel like we are connected and I can't help but think of him every moment, and am scarded to death!!! He had been having marital problems, unbeknownst to me, and has since in the process of getting a divorce. Now, I had only seen his wife a few times and she lives a few miles from here as he has his son who is 10 or so and still in school. I get sort of confusing feelings, but at the same time, I feel I can see myself with this person and be happy, if that is possible?? It would make things so difficult to leave my husband.I havent been able to work and he has been supporting me. The unusal thing is that I think my kids would even be for me leaving him, their dad.
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female
reader, Kalaniohh +, writes (16 March 2008):
Kalaniohh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow true how true...H2H...I Thank You for all your words and insights. There has got to be light at the end of the tunnel.
A
male
reader, H2H +, writes (16 March 2008):
You have to be true to yourself.
It's one thing to be there for someone through hell or high water, it's another to keep on being there when it's a one-way street. The first is loyal fidelity and the latter is masochism.
That's why I suggested doing your best to see if things can worked out. Find out.
And, of course, you shouldn't ignore your own values. Just live them by doing your best and respecting yourself at the same time.
A friend of mine in her mid-50s woke up one day realizing there was no future to her marriage. She had tried, really tried to make it work. But, in her words, her husband was only interested in a trophy, not a wife.
But she had no means of support and could count on him making things as unpleasant as possible. She was very frightened of how she would live as well as what he would do.
Finally, she was able to find it within her to leave. And for many months, we found herself living first with one and then another of her children.
Eventually, she found a way to be back on her feet and is sharing a place with a girlfriend. Last time I talked with her, she is happy once again. And I'm very happy for her as well as proud of her. What she did isn't easy.
That's why I said, it's best to see encountering this man as Life providing you with a wake-up call.
And remember, the only real devil is fear. Although, we might realize we've been living with living with a good impersonator. :)
Just do your best by your own lights, believe in and honor yourself, and somehow things will work out eventually. But sometimes, the bumps in the road can be real lou-lous. ;)
Keep the faith
--H2H
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A
female
reader, Kalaniohh +, writes (16 March 2008):
Kalaniohh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah...H2H..I kinda agree with you.I get where you're coming from. Nothing is certain in life, I guess. I am in a position I have only dreamed of being in, with a man/companion to enjoy my/or life together. I guess the hard part is the fidelity issue. I have morals and values I cannot just ignore. And as far as my children who are grown with kids, they may not be happy or elated of me leaving him, they see Ive been thru h&&ll and back with him. And I think they are tired of it as well. I cam go on about being a co-dependant and so forth, but I have no choice right now. I can't very well go from one home to another with no way of supporting myself. I guess I am afraid of the devil I don't know rather than staying with the one I do!!!
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A
male
reader, H2H +, writes (15 March 2008):
One thing that strikes me is your ending: how you kids would approve you leaving your husband. Providing financial support, or just "working and coming home" is enough only if you are keeping a mistress.
From what you say, he's not a husband: he's only been "keeping" you for the last 20 or 25 years. That's a very, very, LONG time.
Something is not working in this marriage. And your encounter with this man in your complex is the wake-up call. LISTEN to it.
What you should do about it is the hard part. And you're already alerted to the "greener grass" part of it. The real question here is whether your husband really believes he is doing everything he needs to do or not.
Does he realize you've been unhappy for 3/4 of your marriage? And more importantly, is he willing to do something or does he think you should be happy with what he gives you?
Also, I suspect the confusing feelings you have when you mentioned this man's wife and kid are an intuition from deep inside you. Some part of you knows what you need to do.
Find out the truth about where your husband stands regarding your happiness. And it would be a good idea to consider what you could do if you find out the worst.
Marriage can often be trying to the point of being a chore at times, but it never should be an unequal burden bore by one and enjoyed by another on a constant basis.
And consider any prospects of another man to be nothing more Life sending you a wake-up call that's hard to ignore. 30 yrs is a long time to take care of and provide a home for someone with a chemical imbalance that doesn't want to get any better.
Just be very careful not to put the cart before the horse. Well, actually, unhitch your wagon from this horse first before you do anything other look at other horses. :)
All the best,
--H2H
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A
female
reader, Kalaniohh +, writes (15 March 2008):
Kalaniohh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all you guys advice..I hear a lot of where you are coming from !!! Thats what is causing the real painful part of this whole thing. It is great to hear a guys perpective , Eddie, and people who have endured the same as I have. I am trying to figure out now where I stand and will approach my husband for maybe just couples counseling, not really marriage counseling to keep it together. I think the grass seems greener on the other side...I will keep you guys informed of my progress. Thanks again for the feedback.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): A lot happens in a relationship, especially over this length of time. Words are usually spoken that ends up hurting another, there is some fighting, but if you could replay the past, you would see that hurt feelings have brought this disconnect to the relationship.For me, out of 22 years, the last 20 has also been unhappy. She has done things that has hurt me and now I try to keep a distance between us, like in seperate rooms. Yes she tries to get close, but the damage has been done, and she has shown she will not change.Your in need of his support, if he finds out you have an affair, you'll be on the streets. If he is willing to go to marriage counseling, then their still might be some life to the marriage, but doubt it, the damage is already done.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (15 March 2008):
 The problem is that you've let your relationship with your husband get to the point it's at. It's not all your fault either but it sounds like somehow, as a couple, you let things slide. It's only natural that you've met someone else. Do not cheat though. Take the high road and do things in the proper order. If you want out of the marriage, do it before you go any further with this other guy. If you have any love for your husband, give him the opportunity to take his medication and see if you can fix the marriage. Unless you've given him ample warning, he probably thinks the marriage is OK.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (15 March 2008):
 I relate a lot to your story. I was unhappily married for 17 years, but no children.
Does this guy show any "feelings" for you? Is it possible that he is just being friendly? Can you support yourself if you leave your husband? Think about these things before you jump into the water. I left my husband, and I am having a hard time supporting myself, and I have a boyfriend who treats me like garbage. I thought I was unhappy with my husband, and now that I am away from him, I am REALLY going through hell.
Fresh relationships are always exciting at first. It sounds as though you and your husband are just taking each other for granted, and you are bored. Rightly so, you have been together for 30 years. WOW, congradulations on THAT. Maybe you two should take dancing lessons together, or golf. It may help you two find each other again if you have some type of play time together.
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