A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this girl for about a year and at first she seemed uninhibited and we were having sex all the time but as we began to explore it turned out I was less innocent than she had imagined and we started finding some things she didn't want to try which was fine with me, I was happy to slow down. however I think she felt she had let me down, she became more and more withdrawn, now she is weird and awkward even talking about sex and she has panic attacks and says she can't breathe. The only time she's even able to have sex now is if she's smoking pot. No matter how much reassurance I give her or what I do or say she seems constantly anxious. She had been planning to see a sex therapist but kept putting it off and buries herself in work and her excessive exercise routines. She says she'll get to it after her next big work project is complete and i'm trying to be patient but it seems like an excuse. Her tastes and attitude toward sex and sexuality have completely changed and she seems to have no libido at all. She's even suggested I could get a friend with benefits on the side in moments of frustration even though I know that would make her jealous and unhappy. I don't know how I could be any more supportive. I know she just wants to make me happy and she's trying really hard but it doesn't seem like we're making any progress. I've tried all manner of romance to no effect. How can I be more supportive? How might I get her back to herself sexually? (i'm hoping that the girl I met for the first half of our relationship washer usual self and that this is a cold spell and not the reverse) should I even be considering her friend with benefits offer? ( I get flirted with all the time but I doubt "hey wanna have frequent recreational sex when the girl I love isn't in the mood" is going to be effective, or easy to explain as a pick up line)
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female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (15 July 2012):
 Sometimes when one person in the relationship constantly wants to try something new sexually, it becomes a intimidating and unnerving for the other partner. I would have a talk with her telling her how much you care about her and you only want to do what she feels comfortable with. That is, if this is really how you feel. If you want someone who wants to continually explore the outer realms of sex, it doesn't sound like she is going to be your girl. She may feel that she is now just "ho-hum" or boring to you and it is starting to make her insecure. I don't think someone necessarily needs to go to a sex therapist just because they want try a bunch of different things in the bedroom (or wherever you want to do it). It just means that isn't her style and she isn't comfortable with it. She may actually be afaid that you are going to spring something else on her that she does not feel comfortable with and then you are going to be unhappy with her if she doesn't do it. Be careful that you don't completely turn her off with all of your exploration. She has needs too. She might also be worried about getting pregnant or that she is doing something wrong if you are not married.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 July 2012):
 It seems like her anxiety is not just about sex but many things in her life. I would try to understand the roots of her anxiety, what happened in her childhood, etc. Pot does not help at all. She should stop. When some people love deeply they find inner demons inside that need to be cleansed. It's like peeling layers of an onion. Love is a great power to transform. She has to decide if she wants to move past this otherwise she would be stuck at the same level for a long time. Knowing a person is much more than just getting to know each other in the dating stage. People change and evolve according to their own schedule. Sometimes what you see would not be what you get. She needs therapy sessions and not more romantic cajoling. As for the FWB arrangement, I think it is better to break up, then try again when she feels ready for a real relationship, so you don't have to deal with jealousy issues later.
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