A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can I feel better when my boyfriend doesn't reply to my text messages?I know, I know, there's stuff that's way more important. Last night we had a long text conversation (which was lovely), then a couple of hours later I sent him a message saying goodnight.I know he didn't have to reply ~ he probably just read it, smiled and then got on with the rest of his night. But I can't help but feel a little hurt by this, even though it's such a small thing! I know I'll see him this weekend and our relationship is going fine, so why does this wind me up? I mean, not all texts require replies. But it still upsets me.
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female
reader, lucy.whittaker +, writes (12 October 2012):
 It worried me at first when I got together with my boyfriend. He would leave hours between texts and rarely engage in conversations via text, but I mentioned that he was useless at replying to me and he just said he forgets. He'll read something and carry on with what he was doing. It took me a long time to accept this as just the way he was. Maybe about 6 months until I didn't worry about it. There was an occasion over one Christmas where he failed to reply to a text (or calls) with an important question (travel arrangements) for days. I was upset and confronted him properly about changing the way he stays in touch with me. He agreed that on that occasion it was a problem and from then on if we are making plans or need to speak properly we would speak on the phone.The danger of expecting every text to be answered straight away is that you will very quickly run out of things to talk about. While they are good for a quick 'how is your day going' or 'I'm on my way over' they aren't great for an actual conversation. Maybe he fees like that?I think you just need to tell yourself that it doesn't matter if he doesn't reply unless it's something important. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. Just that he has other things to do and on his mind. It will take time and effort to convince yourself that you don't really mind but after a while you will find that you don't feel so dependant on the messages and will just find it nice to see a reply. I recently did a month without Facebook, twitter and texting (calls only for important things) and I found it very liberating. It's not a good thing that we are all so instantly in touch all the time, it's good to have some space between contact so when we are I'm touch it is valuable. Dont worry too much about it, you'll be fine.Lucy XxX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): OP it's very easy to say it shouldn't bother you or just leave down your phone or to say you sound needy. But the fact is different people like different levels of contact and frankly it can be annoying when you don't get a response.
I've dated girls who you'd ask a question in a text in the morning and you'd have to wait for a reply all day and get one in the evening. When you first start dating that can be torture.
I'm very much a traditionalist at heart too, generally leaving my phone in a corner on silent and not looking at for the whole day.
Look it doesn't take any effort to respond to a good night text with a simple "good night :)". So I can understand why it would bother you. Daily contact was never really my thing but my girlfriend loves a cute little text here and there to let her know I'm thinking of her and when we weren't living together good night and good morning texts used to give her a lot of joy. Now I just leave notes on the fridge or type a message onto her phone and leave it open for when she wakes up to check the time.
Look it's fine to be disappointed but don't take it too much to heart, not everyone does it and not everyone understands how profound an effect two simple words in a text can really be. It can go a hell of a long way to maintaining a relationship for as little a few cent.
It winds you up because you just wanted a bit of reassurance he was thinking of you too. I mean if you were in bed together and you said good night and he said nothing and just turned over and fell asleep, you'd be bitterly disappointed too.
I'd drop hints if I were you "such-and-such got a good night text from her new guy last night, how cute, nothing better than knowing a guy is thinking of you just before you go to sleep" things like that. It worked on me. Generally us guys will step up if we know something simple like that will earn us points.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 Let's play Pop Psychology 101 and say that you may have developed an anxious-preoocupied attachment style.
People forms attachments in their human relationships and these attachments tend to be modeled over the kind of attachment they had developped as little children to their parents or primary caretakers.
An anxious attachment type person requires a high level of closeness , intimacy and responsiveness from the partner. He/ she is very sensitive to lack of immediate response, which in turn triggers anxiety which in turn triggers a need for MORE reassurance and responsiveness to defuse anxiety etc.etc.
That, at least in theory, happens because when you were little there was something in your family or environment apt to cause you anxiety that has not been properly dealt with and listened too . You have introjected the message that your emotional needs may not necessarily be met every time, ... you are not secure that you'll get what you need... so any apparent lacks of responsivity puts you on alert.
And mind you, you don't need to have grown with bad parents or neglectful, uncaring parents, not ata lla. It's not what the parent does, it's HOW a young child sees it in his mind.
Parents that are overworked and " too tired to play ". Parents that underrate the jealousy for the birth of a sibling, thinking " oh it's a phase , she'll snap out of it ". Parents that are not overly cuddly, " come on, you are a big girl now, you are too old to sit on my lap ".
In short: normal,human, fallible parents that for some reason could not / would not answer ENOUGH to your, maybe above average, request for security and comfort.
Now, though, don't go around saying Dear Cupid said it's all mom's fault, eh ? :)
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (12 October 2012):
 your right not all text messages require a reply, and yes your right he probably read it smiled and got on with his night.
I think one of the worst things you can do is keep phone watching, picking up your phone every 10 seconds to see if a reply has come through, its enough to send you round the twist. There are many reasons why someone can't reply straight away, think you need to relax about the whole text thing. Your relationship with him is going fine, all's good, not replying to a text is nothing major. If it bothers you that much maybe send one that warrents a reply, or better still call him instead of texting.
Good luck
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