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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, I am 22-years-old and going through a lot with my ex of almost 6 months. We were pre-engaged and together for almost 3 years and back in June, I broke up with him for creating online profiles saying he was single so he could talk to girls. They weren't just any profiles, but the only one I knew about was on adult friend finder (a swinger site). I couldn't take it so I ended it. However, I began to miss him because I spent 3 years of my life with him. So for 4 straight months, I tried to get him back. I had to go through counseling and get on anti-depressants because it messed me up so bad. I feel a lot better now, because I feel as if I have moved on. Since I started moving on in November, he now suddently wants me back. He calls, texts, e-mails, stops by my house unexpectedly. It really annoys me. I still care about him but the feelings aren't there anymore. He tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him too, just not in the same way. I explain this to him each time I do this. What I am asking you to help me with is how to respond to him. I was always telling him to move on and find someone else at the beginning of the period when I was moving on. I don't ignore his calls that much because I remember how he was to me when I was chasing after him. He was very nice and didn't ignore my calls and he still hung out. I want to not treat him mean because he didn't treat me coldly. But I do wish he would move on too. He even rededicated himself to God and I'm not sure if it was legitimate or just for me because I am very spiritual and go to church each Sunday. Now he is always in church. Please help me and tell me how I should respond to him. Here's a sidenote: I even started dating a guy that lives 90 minutes away but had to break it off because not only did the long distance issue bother me, but my ex was bugging me all the time and that stress was too much for me to handle while getting to know another guy. I almost feel trapped. Please help!!
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female
reader, Lzavmon03 +, writes (13 December 2005):
 Hi, I wasn't sure whether you were asking how you could get over your ex or how you could move on, but I was actually engaged too, for a bit and then had to break up with my finacee because he was becoming abusive, and I did go on anit-depressants and see a counselor too after it was over--you're asking how you should "respond" to him--one thing right off the bat you need to decide for yourself do you wnat him or no? Make a list of the pros and cons of being with him; in this case, I think the cons outweigh the pros...if that's where you're at--DON'T tell him you love him anymore--the best advice my counselor ever gave me was to cut off contact from him--tell him you can't talk to him because you are busy with other things and you need to figure things out--my ex still tries to contact me too, but I told him very straightforwardly--"I don't want to talk to you because I have other important things to focus on like my school and work." You don't have to give him excuses or explain yourself... you have every right to say you don't want to talk to him...don't give him any reason to want to talk to you because 90% of the time exes talk to you is to try to see if they ahve any chance to be with you again. Don't give him that hope...because if you had to take medication to alleviate the pain, then you shouldn't always go back to him and talk to him...it's like if you burn your hand on the stove, you don't put your hand on it again and again waiting for soemthing different to happen or waiting for it to feel good. So what if he was nice; he's bothering you now AND acting as an obstacle to better relationships you may have in the future...the best thing to do is to tell your ex to leave you alone...do it over the phone and say you are very busy with other things...exes are exes for a reason and he's trying to see if he can keep contact with you to try to feel as though he still has a chance with you--remember--you had to see a counselor; you took medication so you'd stop feeling miserable...a lot of people find they can't be friends with their exes like in your case, he still thinks he has a hold on your or he still thinks he has some say in your life when he isn't involved with you anymore--what you do in your life is none of his business...like when he was "bugging" you and you couldn't continue your relationship with the other guy..that isn't fair to you--you should ahve relationships with better guys and he needs to stop thinking he has any say or control over what you do because he is NOT your husband and NOT your father--stop saying you love him or else he's going to keep thinking it's in "that way"...you can like him, sure he may be a decent human being, but don't have naymore contact with him..he's just going to make you feel worse about things and you don't NEED that...you are feeling good and he sin't worth it if he was putting up profiles and acting asthough he was sigle when he was with you--that is DISRESPECT and if he couldn't RESPECT you WHILE he was seeing you, he won't respect you as a friend...just stop contact with him; tell him point-blank: don't call me, do NOT come over my house unless you are invited (which will be NEVER)he doesn't DESERVE anymore contact from you, he DOESN'T DESERVE it--he f#ed up, it was HIS fault and it's good you broke up with him when you found out about that, but don't let his constant attempts to see you shake you....hey, if he doesn't listen to you tell him point-blank; tell him or else I'll call the police and that's what restraining orders are for..you don't need to put up with this, but you need to stop answering his calls and making yourself available to him still even after you ahve nothing to do with him anymore..remember how he hurt you and how he betrayed your trust--remember his feeling everyime you think of him and I'll guarantee that will turn off your curiousity about him and wll make you want to stop contact--best of luck--May God bless you, you have power to make him stop behaving this way.
A
female
reader, Phyrekiss +, writes (13 December 2005):
 Tell him that if it didnt mean that much to him to keep you in the first place, why should you trust him again? Especially after it took you so long to get over it. Why go back and risk doing it again?
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A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (12 December 2005):
 You may have to be cold in order for him to get the hint. If you are seriously trying to move on with out him then you need to tell him that you will not take his phone calls, read his emails, or reply to his text messages. It has taken you a lot to get through the pain and trauma he put you through, do not feel like it is your obligation to be nice to him now. Make your wants clear and follow through on what you say and before long he will see that you are serious and he will move on.
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