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female
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*atience
writes: Dear Cupid,I've been married for almost a year now. I grew up in an old fashioned home setting. I grew up seeing my father bringing home his paycheck and giving it to my mother, who also worked. She would then use the two paychecks to pay bills, buy food etc.I have a problem with my husband in that he separates his money from mine. What is his is his and what is mine is mine. This causes a lot of problems when we have to make major decisions. I always thought that when two people get married they become one. They share responsiblies and burdens. I have no idea what my husband does with his money but I have to tell him everything to the last cent. Please help me. I don't know if to be worried or if I just need to adjust. Thanks for the help.Patience
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 December 2005):
 If you're making approximately the same income, then having your money separate can save a lot of headaches. Think of the example, say, of your husband wanting to buy a $100 box-set DVD of something you don't care about. If he uses his own money, and if it doesn't affect his ability to meet his share of the bills, then you've just avoided a loud financial discussion (what is technically known as an "argument" - (grin)).
This setup has worked a treat for my husband and me for the last 18 years. We have NEVER had an argument about money, largely because we keep separate accounts and each pay half of everything we hold jointly: mortgage, insurance, groceries, phone bills, rates, water etc. Then with what's left, we each buy our own clothing, petrol, entertainment and so forth. For large expenses, such as home renovations and holidays, we each contribute to a joint account, a set amount per pay.
Maybe you just need to readjust your way of thinking and see the benefits of this way of managing your joint finances. However, this won't work as a long-term arrangement if one of you makes significantly more than the other partner. That's where this arrangement can break down and may not work for everyone.
Traditionally, husbands earned the money and wives managed the household accounts, but just because it used to be that way, doesn't mean it was the best way. Give some serious thought to the benefits of each method, and if you can't find a point of common ground with your husband about it, you should make an appointment with a financial planner, who can offer suggestions to you both.
I'm somewhat concerned about your comment that you "have to" account to your husband for everything you spend of your own money, because the POINT of keeping your finances separate is so you don't have to make your expenditure a matter for discussion. You don't have to account for your own money to him, as long as what you spend doesn't affect your ability to meet your responsibilities, so as far as that matter is concerned, I'd say, "No, you don't 'have to'". Insist on your privacy, unless he's willing to account to you for every cent he spends himself, and unless you can both give good reasons for knowing all those details.
A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (12 December 2005):
 It is true that in the marriages of the past most people had a combined "pot" and all of the money earned went into it to contribute to paying the household expensive. In todays world no one can really say what is normal for any one couple as the rules are changing and more and more couples are "going dutch", each paying their own expenses and keeping their own money. If he trully wants to live this way then it is not fair for him to expect you to give him a list of what you have spent your money on just as you should not be concerned with his. If it is a big deal to you perhaps you could suggest a joint bank account and seperate accounts, you could each deposit a predetermined amount of money into the joint account to pay for the bills and whatever else but keep your seperate "pots" for your personal use. You have not been married long so it may take some time to feel comfortable in each of your rolse, you need to establish early on that you are willing to be a part of the team as long as you are both playing by the same rules!
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