A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help me. I am so confused with this friends with ex’s thing. I told my ex (23 yrs old) before we got together that he would need to understand that I don’t do friends with exs. I have never been able to do this because I know I would feel uncomfortable/heartbroken if my ex was with a new partner and also I don’t like telling them my business after splitting up. My ex split up with his ex-fiancee, who he had been with for 5 years early last year, and 4 months later we got together. Although we thought about whether to get together for a long time, I realise now that it was still far too soon for him to be in a relationship. There was so much bitterness left over from the fact that his ex cheated on him. We started hitting our first rocky patch and I am sure he thought I was going to hurt him so he did it first by saying things that weren’t the nicest. I have also considered the fact that maybe he just wasn’t into me.He was just the loveliest guy when we met, but things deteriorated not long after we started going out which I found really weird as he was the one who was keen on me and being a really good friend to me. A really amazing guy. We had discussed everything in a mature way before we got together and I always found him to be a sincere and genuine guy. It was him talking about commitment...etc. His family saw us being serious and he introduced me to his friends and wanted to meet mine (at the time he claimed he knew our relationship was over for him!!!) which is why I can’t understand why he went funny on me. We had sex 2 months into the relationship but after that he seemed to treat me like a leper! He wouldn’t even look at me, the conversation from him dried up, he just completely distanced himself from me, there was no support, encouragement, and he talked about his ex-girlfriend and other girls. I started to feel invisible.5 weeks after we split up he came over one evening and during the course of the evening mentioned another girl that he fancied and wanted to go out with. I didn’t know if this was just to make me jealous but I told him to go for it. Since the break-up, he has constantly asked me to see him but I have turned him down every single time. One evening he left some messages on my phone to contact him so I thought it must be serious. When I phoned him, it was the most unimportant thing ever and him and his friend just took the p out my recent college qualification. However, underneath all this supposed humour I’m feeling alot of resentment from him and I don’t know why as it was him that dumped me!!! I was quite forthright with him and really didn’t expect to hear from him again but today i received a really lovely text from him apologising for his behaviour and saying he wanted to be good friends with me. I ended up in floods of tears because it was such a lovely text. Part of me really wants to be with him again which makes it so hard.I have been hurt so badly in the past by my Dad’s behaviour and my ex best-friend that I find it really hard trusting people. It took me 10 years to trust a guy enough again to even go out with one and I just don’t know how to get back to a place where I could be friends with this ex. Any ideas?A consideration - my ex has a brain injury. He doesn’t seem to be able to gauge other people’s moods and therefore can be hugely insensitive, he’s forgetful, etc, etc, but he also has so many other wonderful qualities too. I would really appreciate some non-judgemental, un-biased advice from you guys.I really don’t know what to do. Any ideas?
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female
reader, sunrise +, writes (2 March 2007):
 I think that you should try to remain friends with this guy, ask him to meet up for a drink and a chat and explain that you would really like to remain friends but you would appreciate it if he didn't make fun of you or turn nasty when he's with his mates. If you think his brain injury is to blame for his insensitivity then you have to decide whether you want to take the risk of him hurting you over and over again. He obviously likes you alot and realises he's not always very nice to you. You both need to talk this through, cards on the table, until you do neither of you can move on, in any direction. Good luck to you both x
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