A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been in a relationship with my gf for 10 months now. We've lived with each other for 6. The problem for me is the almost non existent passion/sex intimacy.now the problem isn't so much the lack of regular sex as that doesnt worry me so much, its the feeling that when it happens it feels like im almost forcing her to do it as though it's a chore and also it often feels line when it's been pretty much been signposted that we are goin to have an intimate moment she'll do something to avoid or sabotage it and then say it's too late for any of that now and it's time for bed. It ends up with me feeling massively frustrated but mainly makes me feel kind of useless as though having an intimate moment with me is actually an awful and ungratifying experience. When this happens I'll get kind of angry at the perceived rejection at which point shell explode at me for just wanting her for sex. This has been the case since the beginning of our relationship. I'm not massively confident when it comes to sex anyway so when she rejects me or an intimate moment turns cold it kills my confidence even more. My girlfriend is far more experienced than me when it comes to sex and I'm sure had better lovers than me but surely if she loves me and talks of commitment she would want a healthy sex life to be part of it. She says in the scale of things sex is just not that important but for me If she isn't into me enough to want to share those moments with me then there is no longevity. I know that sex becomes less of a priority when relationships progress to a more advanced stage and I'm concerned what is a problem at the moment is going to get even worse as our relationship progresses. Can anyone alleviate my fears or suggest how we ccan improve things? it's killing our relationship. She feels unloved and not valued because I get angry when she rejects me and I feel unloved and rejected because she turns me and won't Initiate herself.
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (1 February 2012):
 Does she ever orgasm when you have sex? Do you ever pleasure her in other ways? It sounds like she doesn't want sex simply because she's not enjoying.
For a woman who doesn't ever get any pleasure out of sex, I can see why she would try to avoid it completely. It can be messy, it can be tiring, it can even be uncomfortable at times if she's not properly turned on.
So why would she go through all that when she doesn't even get anything out of it? Just to make you happy? But what about her happiness?
I suggest you try focusing more on whats going on outside of the bedroom. Maybe set aside one day per week when you two go on a date together. When my boyfriend gets back from the US, I plan to have a date night every tuesday (cheap tuesday at the movies! :P). That way we still get our quality time together.
I would also try and do little favours for her every now and then just to let her know that you appreciate everything she does for you. Buy her flowers, any type of gift, or you can even do some chores. You could write her a note saying that she has the day off from doing dishes or laundry or something like that.
Lack of sex usually is because there's something else in the relationship that is also lacking. Two people completely in love and devoted to one another, who make sure that the other persons needs are met and not overlooked in EVERY aspect, will always have great sex simply because there's so much love and and devotion there.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 My guess is the problem is not inside the bedroom, but outside it.Sex might be a chore for her if she isn't getting what she wants or needs in the relationship as a whole. Without knowing more about the dynamics (I'm not inviting you to tell me. It's too much to type and I have a short attention span) it's hard to pinpoint what exactly is troubling her. Maybe she is doing the bulk of the housework and is tired and resentful. Maybe she doesn't get enough alone time or time with her women friends. Figure out what it is and that might help solve your sexual issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): You moved in together after 4 months? That was very soon OP and it could well be the problem here unless you were friends for a good while beforehand then you basically cut out the fun honeymoon phase of the relationship and went straight into the routine of having sex on the regular basis/living together kind of thing.
You have to work a lot harder to maintain the spark and excitement in that kind of situation, when you're living together so soon. You basically have lost the 'missing each other' thing that pretty much sustains the sexual spark in the early stages.
That and it may just be that her sex drive is lower than yours.
All I can suggest is you stop being angry, you are getting sex regularly so she is willing to give you sex regardless of whether she really wants to or not, obviously that's not ideal, but it does show you that you've no reason to be angry. Anger will be counter-productive in this instance too.
OP a lot of girls have low libidos, they're just not that wild and horny. For girls like that you have to work at getting them in the mood, telegraphing = pressure too, so don't do that anymore. What always works for me, I don't care who the girl is, is to do something romantic and alone with her, with no mention of sex and just let it happen. One that worked with a lot of my exes was a "her" day. I'd pick a day devoted to her, one where she wasn't working. I'd take her to her favourite restaurant, rent a couple of romantic movie, have popcorn, Ben and Gerry's, a bottle of wine and just pamper her for the day. Basically all the things you would do on Valentines Day but out of the blue and any day of the year really.
OP the trick is to keep dating. Just because you live together doesn't mean you're not dating, it doesn't mean you don't still have to impress her and show her a good time.
Remember she's not rejecting you, she's just not in the mood, she wouldn't be living with you if she was rejecting you, stop taking it so personally.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 Just from your description, it sounds like she's not enjoying sex, but could be mistaken. Does she have an EASY (that part is important) orgasm every time or almost every time you have sex?
I agree a sex life is important.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 January 2012):
 If a woman (or, a man, if the roles happen to be reversed) who happens to be one's partner doesn't wish to share intimacies (and sex, if appropriate).... then the one (partner) whose needs/desires are not being met should simply walk away from that empty "relationship."
Good luck....
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