A
male
age
36-40,
*igbud
writes:Hi, me and my first love have just got married 5months ago, we have been together for 8 years nearly and have never slept or even been out with anyone else! We are only in our early and mid 20's. For the first year the sex was great and very frequent, everything from handjobs and blowjobs slot and sex nearly everyday until we had a termination 6months into our relationship! (sorry to be blunt but I'm not after an opinion on weather we did the right thing or if you think its wrong, I just know we did what we did and that's it) after that and until now the sex has fairly well stopped, defiantly no head and she won't even touch my lil fella, she seems scared of it! It is now becoming a real problem in our relationship and I don't know what to do about it, she won't talk to me and she won't talk to anyone else as she is shy about this subject! The biggest thing that I can't understand is that when we are away on holiday or she is drunk she is up for sex but at home and sober it's normally a no! Please help as I am lost as what to do! Thanks
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 She had a termination which for her was a devastating and extremely traumatic event. Subconsciously, she bundles sex with what caused her extreme pain. You didn't mention how you and she got pregnant in the first place, but if you failed to "pull out", or if the condom broke and you finished inside her or simply had unprotected sex, she may have lost trust for you too.
She has to make the leap of separating the sex from the traumatic event. Subconsciously, she's so terrified to go through that again that she's shying away from you, sex, your penis, your semen, etc. Talking is essential. Also, you didn't mention how the pregnancy happened, but if you haven't taken responsibility for your part in it, that would put a massive damper on it.
Not to mention how you handled the termination with her was also crucial. Was she ambivalent, yet you pushed for it? Did you support her through it, or was it more of a "whew, we dodged that bullet"? She could be dealing with extreme guilt as well, and not to be blunt, but your quick "I don't want to hear if we did the right thing" to us tells me that you might not have shown enough concern for HER struggling with that question.
Bottom line, you BOTH need to see someone to talk it out, or this won't go away. You must also face the possibility that no matter what, she won't ever disassociate the trauma with your penis, and therefore moving on might be far more healthy for her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): If the change happened right after the termination and she had no lasting PHYSICAL complications from it then I'm guessing she probably has more residual guilt than she expected about the procedure.
I don't feel that you were wrong to make that choice if neither of you were ready for a child, but you have to understand that as the one who underwent the procedure, she probably feels more responsible than you do. She may be terrified by the thought of another potential pregnancy, or she may feel guilty when she experiences sexual pleasure - it's really hard to say. That she only has sex with you when alcohol is involved tells me there is obviously some sort of inhibition or block she finds it very difficult to overcome while sober.
If the two of you are not using birth control, you might try introducing that - or try a double method if she's currently on one, i.e. she takes the pill AND you use a condom. That way you make as sure as possible that the pain of terminating a pregnancy isn't something you two ever have to endure again.
That said, without knowing anything about her or her personality or possible religious beliefs it's really hard to get an accurate reading on the situation. I think your marriage could greatly benefit from couples counseling, in person with a kind counselor you and she both feel comfortable talking to. Intimacy is an important part of most healthy relationships and it's worth resolving this, if you can. Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 January 2012):
 Can you go see a counselor or get her to go see one? How about talking about better methods of birth control, if she's scared she'll get pregnant again?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 January 2012):
 Your story is reminiscent of what happened to me over the past 8 years.... save for the marriage part. About 6 months ago, I decided that I'd had enough of a sex-empty "relationship".... and walked away. I met a lovely lady about 4 months ago.... and life has been a dream, ever since....I recommend that you not be a martyr,.... but, instead, tell your wife that a "marriage" with no intimacy is NO MARRIAGE in your eyes.... and that she either change her ways ... or be prepared to live (the rest of) her life without you in the picture....Good luck...P.S. Before anyone labels me a male pig.... please understand that this same advice applies to women, as well. NO sexual/intimate person should have to live his/her life without those important aspects considered....
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