A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What to do about boyfriend's porn usage?I know alot of people would say that watching porn is perfectly normal, something that guys do when their girlfriend's aren't around or to watch something in particular that they wouldn't want to ask their partners to do. I do agree with this, but the problem I have had with my boyfriend is that he was watching all sorts of strange things everyday, searching for things like deepthroat - but gagging ones, whores, bondage etc. None of your run of the mill stuff. This was about 8 months ago. I knew he watched porn, and didn't mind but I didn't like him watching it every single day and watching harder and harder stuff. He said he had cut down but then found out he hadn't and the porn had only got harder. It was a dealbreaker for us, and he said himself that he wanted to stop it as he didn't feel it was right. For 8 months I believed he had stopped, recently I just had the suspicion he was watching it again and just asked him t be honest, to which he said no he was past it and it wasn't a nice trait to have, not something to be proud of. Last night, I wasn't feeling well and said I didn't feel like sex and he said i guess it's porn and a wank then, and kept saying do you mind in a jokey way? Anyway,we did end up having sex but before we did I fell asleep and he was on his laptop and kept checking if I was asleep. I felt he was waiting to watch porn, but felt a bit better so came onto him. This morning we woke up and he needed to go on his laptop to look at something, and i said it's early lets just cuddle for a bit, but he didn't want to so I went to sleep. I woke up and felt the mattress moving, turned around and he quickly clicked off something and as I got p he appeared to delete his history. I accused him of watching porn and he got annoyed and called me pathetic. I made it clear I knew he had and he admitted he had been, right next to me in the bed! He said he was just flicking through and wasn't masturbating. I asked him why he didn't have sex with me when I was awake or why not wait and he said he didn't feel horny. He promised me hadn't been looking at weird stuff, but when he went in the shower I saw on another pc that he had been. It upsets me that he blatantly lied to my face, and the fact that he was looking at it right next to me when I had no idea he was even looking at it again. Our relationship has been rocky lately and he blames this, but this doesn't explain the weird things and the massive risk to do it next to me. He says he didn't plan on getting caught, seems like he was so desperate to watch it he couldn't wait. We still have sex, but we don't live together. I feel so hurt, like he chose porn over me, especially this morning. If he was watching normal things, out of frustration I wold understand but it feels like he's making excuses an just plain enjoys it. Can anyone suggest what is going on here?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 May 2011):
 I don't think it's a case of choosing porn over you. You mentioned several functions that porn has including "things they wouldn't ask their partner to do". Your boyfriend is looking at extreme stuff, deepthroat, gagging, bondage, whores.... all this stuff is S&M (BDSM) it's about dominance, submission and control. This stuff disgusts you, you want him to be "normal" and like normal things. That's like asking someone to like red because you like red and start hating blue. Many, many people like and desire extreme sexual activities. They know they can't practice it with their partners so get their enjoyment through pornography. Your not just asking him to give up porn, your asking him to pretend to get aroused and turned on by what you say he must. If you check out erotic fiction for women there is a large section dealing with the stuff your boyfriend watches. There's nothing wrong with him, and he's not doing this to hurt you. He finds the whole pain-pleasure/sex-domination scene erotic and probably always has. Your best bet to removing the visual images is to try to get him interested in the many written stories on the net. Don't worry, it's will be hard to find a person that likes to have sex like that, so he won't cheat on you with someone who can make his fantasies come true.
This is not a man who is desperate to watch porn, this is a man who needs some element of pain/humiliation in sex and is desperate for some type of outlet. If your lucky, S&M language and clothes might be enough and could be safely brought into your bedroom so you could explore this side of him together.
If it's all too much for you, then you must leave him, because he can't change.
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (1 May 2011):
 Sexual fantasies are normal, even the depraved ones (most of them) and most of these types of fantasies are the type that we don't want to reveal to our significant other for fear of being judged, rejected or persecuted for what we envision in our heads.
Your bf might have a serious problem, porn addiction, but I can't tell you that for sure because I am not medically qualified to diagnose him. However, I think he should see someone, especially since he just can't stop looking at porn by himself and when he has a real live girl, ready and willing within reach.
My bf watches porn and sometimes I watch it with him, depending and that's okay to me. But if he were to watch that instead of being with me, we would have a problem.
I would ask him if he would be willing to see someone about it, perhaps some counseling if he needs it to move past this if he wants to continue your relationship together.
Good luck.
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