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*inam
writes: I am a retired school teacher, Income around $40k. My husband has not worked in over two years. He looks for jobs that are most times out of reach. I bought a new house in Feb and he refuses to leave. I pay all of the bills and buy most of the groceries. I have a grandson that I love dearly and take care of. My daughter is an ogre. She has moved into her own appt. Thank God. I am in deep depression. What man would let his wife go on this way. Help!
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reader, pops +, writes (18 June 2005):
talk to a lawyer about divorce. You need to get him out of your life if you are to be able to deal with your depression. Get professinal help for the depression. Your medical doctor can make a referral. Either you tell him to leave, or have yor lawyer prepare the documents to have him removed from your house. Don't let this go on. Both of you are suffering from depression, and you both need help. don't delay. Pops
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (11 June 2005):
 I'm a little confused here: you bought a house and he refuses to leave? Have you two already gone your separate ways and just not felt the need to legalize it? Or is he perhaps depressed as well and literally not feeling up to leaving the house to look for real work, etc.?Obviously, whatever the situation, you feel it's an untenable one, and that's the main thing. So I'd suggest you do a few things on a couple of fronts.The first is to communicate to him in a way he can take in how deeply unhappy you are. If you can approach him in a way that does not threaten or accuse or blame but merely lays out to him, human being to human being, how exhausted and frightened and burdened you feel, you may open the door to change. Have ready for him at least three small, concrete ways (again, not blaming) that he can help you to start out with: perhaps going over the want ads with you to ferret out appropriate opportunities; perhaps his just helping more around the house right now would make you feel a bit more seen and tended to.The other thing you must do immediately is to start tending to yourself. It's not for no reason that the flight attendants tell you to place your own oxygen mask on yourself before you help other to put on theirs; every human being needs joy and love in his/her heart to live a healthy life. If you are depressed, this is serious business. Real depression is a clinical condition that often requires a talk therapy, medication or a combination of the two. If you are really depressed, I'd suggest seeking professional help--your regular doctor can refer you if you don't know where to start.In the meantime, find someone--anyone wise and sympathetic will do--to talk to. See if you can steal little chunks of time to do a nice thing for yourself on a regular basis. They needn't be expensive: a visit with a friend, a hot bath, a half-hour somewhere quiet with a cuppa and a nice magazine can work wonders soothing the soul. A little exercise and fresh air is also extremely helpful. You don't need to start a big program; just add a solo walk to your routine 3 or 4x a week.Finally, remember that this, too, shall pass. You may feel at the end of your rope but even there, you're able to see the good things, like that grandson you love so much.Take good care of yourself and keep the lines of communication open as best you can. Be brave! Good luck.
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reader, Your big sis +, writes (10 June 2005):
 A man who has a wife who says she wants to throw out her husband, but doesn't do it. Speak to your husband. Communicate how you are feeling. How else is he going to know how you feel about his jobless butt? Do what you have to today. Tomorrow is a new day, but how it goes depends on what you decide to do.
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reader, tinam +, writes (10 June 2005):
I am at that point. I am in counseling now. Please do seek help. Once you get it is hard getting rid of them. I bought the house in my name and bought 90% of the furniture. He has not worked in over 2 years. I thought men were suppose to take care of thier wives. Please do get spiritual and psy help
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