A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why is it that I am love dependent? I realised in my last very long relationship that we had become dependent on each other. That we needed each other and didn't have lives of our own and so I broke it off after three and a half years. I stayed single for a year and as soon as the first guy showed interested in me recently, I just went kind of crazy. I couldn't stop thinking about him, wanted to be in contact with him all the time, so much so that it distracted me from doing any work. I really don't like this about myself. I am a clever, vaguely pretty, and career focused individual but all this goes out the window as soon as a love interest comes along. It's like the only way I can feel validated is to be loved by someone. I think I'm addicted to love, and sex. I don't want to be like this. I want to have someone in my life but I don't want to go crazy like this. It's like only they matter, I can't get them out of my head - this isn't normal. I know it is to think of someone when you like them but this is obsessive. Why do I need love to feel good about myself and happy in my life? Why can't I be alone and happy? I want someone to love me, to complete me and that is really bad. I stayed single for a year after I broke up because I didn't want to do that again but as soon as someone (a complete asshole btw) showed interest, I went crazy. I have so much work to do, but right now, all I can think about is why he didn't get in touch, what is wrong with me, why doesn't he care about my feelings, etc, even though really I know that this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. How do I sort this and be happy alone?
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female
reader, EtTuBrute  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 I understand what you're going through with this as I'm the same way.
I'm not sure how well you are at hiding your obsessive thoughts but in my experience, guys that aren't worth my time and that only wanted to use me would leave after a few months. They couldn't stand my neediness. Just be careful not to look for love in the wrong places. What I mean is, I made the mistake of thinking a one night stand would turn out to be something wonderful. (I'm not sure if you do that but I thought I'd offer my two cents there too.)
For a while, I remained single just to try to enjoy the single life. While I did for the most part, I still thought about guys constantly. When I stopped looking for love, that's when I found it.
My current boyfriend and I have been together over a year. From the day we met, I was pretty much obsessive. I'd have to have constant contact in some form. I've never had many friends so I made him my entire life. He, on the other hand, had friends that I wrongly tried to pull him away from. If he wasn't showing me enough attention, I'd start fights with him. Obviously, my behavior was very uncalled for and I'm sorry he had to put up with it but very thankful he did.
The patience and trust he's shown me has helped me a lot. While my neediness hasn't completely gone away, they have definitely dulled. I'm still a dependent person too but he's teaching me how to be independent.
I would suggest you do some soul searching. Do you have insecurities? Why did you say "vaguely" pretty? If you need the help of a therapist for this, set up an appointment and talk to them about your problems. That's what they are there for. :) You may not be able to figure this out on your own as it may go deeper than what you think.
Try staying single for a significant amount of time. What do you enjoy most about being single? Anything? If you have something, focus on that. If not, then you need to find something that makes you happy. (Not men.)
If you happen to meet a guy unexpectedly along the way, show some restraint. If your thoughts start wondering off to this guy, do something to take your mind off of it. I know that's hard but try to find something you love to do and that you can concentrate on. If he doesn't call, tell yourself it's his loss and that you will find someone much better. Don't blame yourself!
Once you develop a relationship with him and you both want something long-term, then tell him about your dependency. If he freaks out, I always say it's not meant to be. A good man will accept it and try to work with you. Even a simple text "Good morning." and "Goodnight." will have you smiling for hours if you're anything like me. Sending a text isn't very difficult and it's something a good guy will do just because he knows it will make you smile. Patience and trust go a long way.
I wish you the best of luck and let us know how it goes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Well, a million reasons really.
Get some books about relationships and why and how they work, or don't work, and do a lot of reading and if necessary get some counseling to help you understand yourself.
Don't be ashamed either, new loves are like a drug to all of us...
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (13 October 2010):
I am currently trying to figure out the same thing. I was dating a guy for 2 months and the last two weeks, we spent 3 to 4 days a week together. I found myself wondering if he'd call on the days I wasn't with him.
I'm thinking about therapy to find how why I have this void.
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