A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, we're extremely close, and I love him a lot. I just have one minor issue that keeps coming up. I had major surgery a few months before I met him and then upon returning to work, I was laid off due to the company losing a state contract. I had very little money saved due to me just having returned from disability. My boyfriend knows this (He is *very* well off) and money hasn't ever been an issue between us because I was never really raised to be the one to ask for money, I work for everything I have. So, I don't ever ask him. Recently, I started thinking about our relationship and now I can't shake this feeling. About 6 weeks into our relationship I received a phone bill for 1,500 dollars (ran up from talking to him...I thought we had the same carrier...apparently not) an amount that I really couldn't afford to pay in my position yet he never even offered to help me at all (Though, he was there for mental and emotional support). And now a few months later I am still struggling from that lost of money and can barely pay any of my bills. Since then he has offered to pay one of my unrelated bills but, never actually gave me the money (it's been two months since he offered). I don't feel right coming straight out and asking him for the money he promised or for help with my other bills but I really do need it. I don't know what to do. To me it isn't all about the money, I just think that the action of offering would have meant the world to me (knowing that he wanted to help). So, am I wrong for thinking that he should have at least offered to help me with the phone bill? And is it a problem that it seems like he just doesn't want to help me? Or am I thinking and expecting too much?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmmm....where do I begin?
Ok, I think maybe I have misrepresented my relationship in order to kept my responses shorter. I have thought about and talked to my boyfriend about many of the topics you (anonymous) have brought up. Which is why I am inclined to rule out that he is buying or manipulating me.
This is why I think this way....
Our meeting:
We met at a Non-profit Community Service Organization banquet. We are both *very* active in two different organizations that are known to work together for time to time.
Also:
First, we are both very religious and that was probably the first thing after attraction that started us talking in the first place because of this we do NOT have a sexual relationship since I plan to wait on marriage and he is celibate.
Second, we are both college graduates of similar majors. Our alma maters are actually rivals. Something we tease each other about during basketball season. We have similar views on many topics such as family, relationships, marriage, raising children, etc.
Third, we spend as much time as possible together and if we cannot be together physically (given the distance) we are on the phone talking and such. Our relationship is basically based on communication. We had spent whole nights (from sundown to sun up) doing nothing, just talking. I actually feel bad about not discussing this money topic with him. I just didn't know if I should even create a problem by bringing it up or rather how to bring this topic up in general...hence asking on here...
Lastly, he is one of those rare men who *likes* clothes and shoe shopping. I on the other hand, would rather have go to an Apple store or Best Buy...I grew up a tom boy so, in reality it is rare for us to go to the mall together (I really dislike going to the mall and if I do I want to find what I need and leave as soon as possible). So, the buying expensive gifts all the time is false. I believe that when we do go to a mall together that he just enjoys doing something he loves to do with me and goes a little buy crazy with both himself and me. I usually talk him out of buying many things I consider overly expensive for him and me. Rarely, I do humor him a little though. We actually spend at lot of time just talking and laughing. He is more of a poetry, walk on a broadwalk or beach, and love letter sending type of guy. He is a total gentleman so, that of course includes opening doors, pulling out chairs, and paying for dates. We are taking language classes (Myself: Japanese and him: Spanish languages we studied in college yet didn't continue after) and share our progress together. He has met my family and I love his. He is from a big family (he is a big brother to 5 sisters) and he didn't always have money especially growing up. So, the statement of him being well off, I guess gives off the wrong impression. Is he rich? No. Merely financial stable. He has a good job which he works hard at and no debt. So, he saves a lot of money, just having to take care of himself (He went to college and grad school on scholarship). He is 6 years older than me which I don't think of as a significant difference in age. I would start thinking that around 12 years or more, in some cases maybe 10. He values my option on many things especially the bigger decisions. He actually just put a down payment on a much smaller apartment 30 mins away to be closer to me, he did not renew his current apt lease, and is currently considering taking a titled position close to his new place that would actually cut his yearly salary in half. He seems very excited by the change and I support him fully.
So, do I think our relationship is perfect? By no means no. Do I think he is prefect? No. Do I think he is here to save me from the difficulty of life? No. Do I think our relationship might be a little intense? Yes. But, we have never dated each other before and it is still early in our relationship so, I think we have room to grow and much more to learn about each other.
I appreciate and respect what you said and will keep my eyes open. As you would say, take off the love goggles from time to time. :) Thank you and sorry for the ridiculously long response. I also welcome any comment you may have on this post as well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): I think it is weird that your boyfriend of five months will buy you expensive gifts just because you like something at the mall, and then promise to pay a bill and then forgets about it, or doesn't come trough.I agree that he should not be counted on or expected to pay your bills, even your phone bill that was due to talking to him, that is still your mistake, your responsibility to manage your cell phone bill.But, the fact of the matter is, I think this diplays a certain value system and attitude about you that this man has.He is buying you. He thinks that this is your currency, that you are a shallow, young, attractive woman who uses sex to get what she wants out of a man and that is financial goodies.May I ask, is he considerably older than you are?I think you are thought of as a trophy and a sexual object and not seen as a whole person, and that doesn't bother him. You are drawn in by his financial status and power, but be very careful of investing in or marrying a man for his money...you will pay for it everday of your life, and it is not worth it.Your feeling of being very close to him could be because of his manipulation tactics, nothing more. Take a step back and start asking more questions of his values, how he views relationships, where this is going, what are his views on monogomy, raising children, sharing financial responsibilities, ask him about his childhood, relationships with his family/parents etc. Dating is abouta selection process and getting to really know someone, not projeting on to them what you hope they are or will be. Take the love goggles off, I am just saying.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses!! Maybe I am thinking and expecting too much. This is my first *serious* relationship and I just didn't want this to be a problem later or worst a red flag that I was ignoring. Apparently, I was just being ridiculous. I guess I started over-thinking because he easily spends money on me. For example he always fills up my gas tank when we use my car sometimes even when we don't (my car is MUCH better on gas and he lives about 2 hours away and drives down to see me) and if we were to go to a mall or something and I showed interest (any interest at all, even just an extended look over) in a expensive bag or pair of shoes, he would just buy them without me ever asking for them. He would just say "Well if you like them, you should have them." But, overly practical me would rather use that 300 dollars to get brakes for my car instead. I guess that is just something we differ on which is not a bad thing, just something I'm not used to. I'm going to just let it go because we really do have a *great* and *loving* relationship. Thanks again!
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reader, spinnaker +, writes (26 June 2010):
 You feel comfortable expecting him to pay your bills but you feel uncomfortable asking?
I concur with the fellow aunts, at 5 months it is a little short to be floating loans.
Mind you, he may not be fully aware of your circumstance. It sounds as though you asked subtily for help when perhaps he does not react to such tactics.
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female
reader, Lucy79  +, writes (26 June 2010):
People are not mind readers, especially men arnt ;)If you want something and subtle hints are not working, then you have to either ask straight up or let it go.You say he has a lot to spend and you dont and that you know this of eachother. You also say you are not the one to ask for money. So maybe he just doesnt want to insult you or he thinks that if you would need something you would simply let him know.It is however weird that he offerd to pay an unrelated bill but never actually went through with that, if he didnt make a big deal out of it you could just ask again?Your question, if you are thiking and expecting too much, I dont know.But if you 2 are in a loving relationship you should be able to ask him to help you out. You have a problem that you know he can help you with, it just always sucks when there is money involved, and maybe he has had bad expiriances with this before.If you feel like he should (partially) pay for the bill since it was because of phoning with him I would be carefull. Just because he can pay the bill doesnt mean that he should, maybe if the roles were reserved you would have payed that bill months ago without him even needing to ask, but that still doesnt mean he should.If you really need financial help right now because it is giving you sleepless nights and angry letters (or worse) from money collectors I would tell him this.If I were you I would ask him for a loan and have a realistic pay back plan thought out. It will give you some peace of mind since you wont get more angry letters and pay interest.Just be upfront and fair, explain your problem to him, suggest a loan and then let him decide wheter he is going to loan you or not. Also try to think beforehand of your reaction if he says no, he might have a good reason for it, or he might not.Maybe he will decide not to loan but to give, but this should be his choice, or maybe work out some more ´creative´ payment plan ;)Either way, your an adult woman, this doesnt mean you can not ask for help, but also be ready not to get the answer you need. Try and think of a backup plan should he not be willing/able to lend or give you the money.I hope it helps!
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 June 2010):
At 5 months, it probably is too soon for him to be paying utility bills. But he did promise, and a man who doesn't live up to his promises isn't necessarily one to be trusted. Watch this one carefully.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): Yes I think you are expecting a boyfriend of 5 months to pay your phone bill. Just because he is well off doesn't mean that he has to help you financially. In fact if he knows you think he should, it might put him off, thinking that you are just interested in his money.
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