A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 28 years old married for two years with a 15 month old son. My husband and I have been arguing a lot. To me it seems like he isn't happy but when I say anything he says its me, that I'm always miserable and start fights with him. I see things differently.He drinks at least 2-3 beers every night. Now this bothers me because his mom and dad are both recovering alcoholics. If I say anything about this he gets mad and says he's 28 years old he can drink if he wants and it's not like he gets trashed every night. He has always been grumpy and we used to joke about but I guess I thought once we were settled you know married we own a home have a beautiful son good jobs, he would be happy. So i guess I'm trying to see if I'm over reacting? I'm just tired of arguing and when we try to talk about it we end up in a fight. Things seem a little better for a bit , but its just a matter of time from grumpy husband to reappear. I don't know what to do any more....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2012): I can relate to what Sweet-thing said, too. I thought that being with someone "challenging" would be more interesting than someone who's calm, even-tempered, and sweet. Fast forward 30 years, and now, after the zillionth fight and three grown children who view their father as "a black hole of negativity," I lament the horrible mistake I made. He is angry, critical, and a constant wet blanket. Life is hard enough with the challenges it presents. Adding a "challenging" spouse to the mix is a terrible idea. I hate walking on egg shells. I'd rather be alone, and I hope someday to drum up the courage to make that happen.
As for the OP, your husband sounds like he's depressed about something. As long as he's not abusive, controlling, or irrational, you might be able to work through this if you can get him to be truthful with you, but don't nag. If he continues to stonewall (a form of abuse in itself), you may want to get professional help before the situation breaks down irretrievably. Don't just let it slide, though. Do your best to nip it in the bud now. Otherwise, your life will be filled with regrets.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Sweet-thing, I wholeheartedly relate to what you have said. My husband is the same. A kind person, but opinionated, domineering etc. It's like walking on egg shells a lot of times for me.
As for the OP, this is a character type. If he does truly drink a lot and he cannot function without drinking, then maybe there is an alcohol issue here. If his behavior is not affected by drinking (in its presence or without it), then it's behavioral and you have to see what you're willing to put up with.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (13 November 2012):
 Hi
He comes home and has a couple of beers at the end of the day. He could stop off at a Bar nightly, get blind drunk,spend all his money,lose his job....
I like a glass or two of wine to unwind and so do most people I know. His parents being recovering alchoholics is more a warning to him than anything.
I would try a different approach, say you think you'll join him as you've had a hard day.Just have one and chat, ask about his day etc,how his jobs going.Plan something for the weekend as a family.
Some folk ARE just grumpy and nothing will change them, so sometimes you can go off and read or rent a film you both want to see,relax together.Have a date night at the weekend, so its not all work and no play.
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A
female
reader, citadel  +, writes (13 November 2012):
Simple is as simple does.
Do this and than do nothing. Keep this short and to the point and say it calmly. Calmly.....
"Honey, if there was an emergency right now, if we needed you to drive us or "Johnny" to the hospital right now, could you?"
That is all you say.
That's booze for thought. Let it sink in.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (13 November 2012):
 I have the exact same problem and on this journey I have learned there are people who go through life basically calm, and in a fairly good mood most of the time and then there are people that seem to make an issue of everything. My husband has a very strong personality, raised by an equally strong and domineerng father. He is sometimes hot headed, opinionated, argumentative, often combative over the least little thing. I have pointed out his behavior many tiimes and somehow I still think I will eventually rub off on him. Oh he has good days. Sometimes he goes for a few weeks without a major eruption, then sometimes they are non-stop. It takes alot to provoke me, so it still baffles me how someone can be so reactionary all the time. His first response to most situations is anger. And all I can say that is positive is this; I have learned to be stronger myself. I have learned to stand up for myself, not only to him (which is unavoidable if you want to survive) but also to others. I have learned to stop being so passive (no I will never be like him) I have learned to be a fighter, a survivor, and must more sharp minded. I also feel safe with him. I know if anyone crosses him, he could probably kick their ass at a moment's notice. And yes, he does have a soft side that is heavenly, although personally I'd like to see it alot more often, I must be drawn to this type of strong willed man; someone you can't control, someone you're never quite sure (they love you) and someone you feel you always have to stay on your toes for. Ah, don't we love a challenge?....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): My partner drinks anywhere from 3 to 6 cans of scotch a night, depending on what kind of day he has had. If he had a good day he will dring 3 if it was a crappy day it's up to 6.
Now this used to bother me greatly, and whenever I would say anything we would end up in an argument. But now that I don't say anything we are better.
I look at it as if coming home from work and having a few drinks helps him to relax then so be it.
I think your husband drinking 2 to 3 beers a night is not that bad (depending on the size though, are they just stubbies or are they tallies?) If it is 2-3 tallies then yes that is a tad much to drink everyday. But if it is just stubbies thats not too bad! (and I am looking at it from my view)
When my partner comes home now I greet him with smiles and a kiss and a hug, that makes him feel loved and special. (as the wife, we women a spoz to realise that these poor blokes work hard all day, us women, we have no idea what hard work is) Sometime it is easier to just sollow some stuff at times and put on a smile to keep the peace.
What are your intrests? do you read at all? When I get to the point where I feel it starting to bother me, I read lose myself in the book. When my hubby says something about the fact I am not spending time with him, I tell him it is just how I unwind. He has his way this is my way, besides that I am still with him in body. (that is just my way of dealing with it.)
But again that depends on the size of the beers. I sugesst if they are stubbies then just let it slide, it is what he uses to unwind
I hope this helps a little,
Good luck.
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