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female
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anonymous
writes:I hate being jealous, but I don't know how to change! I absolutely admire people who never get jealous. How do they do it? My husband will be traveling out of town next month with a female co-worker and I'm trying to be cool about it, but it is bothering me! We've been happily married for 6 months, and together for 5 years. He's never cheated that I know of, but sometimes he doesn't think things through real well and women tend to be drawn to his personality and the gift he has for making them laugh. Two years ago a different female co-worker developed strong feelings for him. When he tried to give her the brush off she started stalking us. Where did it go wrong? Was it all those field trips they took together? Did he grumble about me one day when we were fighting and she thought she had a chance with him? Or was she just psycho? It was a mess and she was eventually fired. I know women are part of his workforce, so it's unavoidable, but when it's time for him to travel and one or more of these young, single women are going to the same meeting, it kind of makes me panic. How do I cope?...The trip is a month away and already I'm feeling sick. I know when he's gone there will be late night dinners, drinking, and playing pool, while I'm stuck at home working like a drone.
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female
reader, Really123 +, writes (21 June 2014):
Trust your instinct! Simply tell him you don't want her going.. It's not insecurity it's called protecting what is yours.. I mean you ock your car when it's perked
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female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (26 February 2011):
 I think maybe its time for him to worry about you for change. Don't go over board but maybe you could make some plans for yourself while he is gone and make sure he knows about them. Tell him that you think your going out for dinner & drinks with the girls while he is gone. Maybe some of them could be bringing along some guy friends from their office. Tell him you're excited to be going out and really looking froward to it. Innocent enough, but better then him thinking you'll be sitting at home alone the whole time he is gone.
Then when he gets back make sure you tell him what a great time you had and that you plan to do it again real soon. And see how he reacts. A man that is cheating will often immediately try to accuse you of something. Where an innocent man probably won't mind it at all and be glad for you. It is good to remind a man every now & then that you are also an interested and attractive woman too, and that he shouldn't take you for granted. The worst thing he could do is to show complete indifference.
PS: Even though this move is calcualted to get a reaction from him, you need to actually make real plans. It will give you something to look forward to and help keep your mind off of the female co worker and this business trip.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for you kind answers I am considering each one. In answer to the questions for FloridaCatGirl, No I never really spoke with the stalker but early on I was suspicious because she always managed to accompany my husband when he did his field work, even though her job rarely dictated her presence there. (He's a scientist) He was always taking pictures of her, even though she was homely (probably another mixed signal). I even tried to caution him because I was picking up weird vibes from her at office parties etc, but he'd always get mad and completely dismiss me. So yes, I think he enjoyed the attention and maybe he never slept with her, but he allowed things to go too far and then it backfired. Of course I can't prove that, and he's quick to pretend it was all her. He does travel frequently for business; probably once or twice a month on most months of the year. I used to accompany him when I had a job that allowed me that kind of flexibility and it was perfect. I never had to worry, and I think it strengthened our relationship because we weren't spending as much time apart, I wasn't feeling "grounded" at home and trapped and I certainly wasn't worrying about the late night parties with the women from the office. What I know of this new girl that will be going to the meeting next month is not much; she's in her 20's, single. He says she's "ecclectic" and I know how much he loves ecclectic people. She's a fellow scientist, though new in the field and much in need of a mentor if you get my drift. He speaks highly of her so she's earned his respect. I met her once, and she did not strike me as someone I'd have to worry about, but at a social gathering not long ago, I noticed she was watching him alot when she did not know I was paying attention. They made faces at each other a few times, then one night I stumbled onto some pictures he had taken of her when they were working on a field project. One he never mentioned to me. She was clowning around, much like the stalker used to when she was being photographed. (Are you seeing the pattern here?). I worry that he needs the added ego boost that one little wife cannot provide. Normally he's a good husband and I probably shouldn't worry. But I smell trouble and I can't tell if it's just past paranoia, or something tangible. Thank you for your interest. You are all helping me alot.
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Thank you for your update! This is certainly troubling. One piece of advice I stand by, is to trust your gut instinct. More times than not, your instincts are correct, do not ignore them!
I didn’t address your husband’s stalker in my initial response, but this is not something to sweep under the rug. I have to wonder if your husband encouraged her behavior at first, before she turned into a stalker. Did you ever speak with this woman? If so, did she tell you anything about her relationship with your husband? Of course, it is quite possible she was mentally unstable, and your husband did nothing to provoke her behavior, however, it’s equally possible that something was going on, and she became obsessed when he pulled away.
Next, in your follow up, you stated, “Yes we have talked about it, but when I try to express my feelings, he blows up. Now we cannot discuss it at all. I had to dig just to find out who's going on this business trip next month. So it's definitely a closed subject which makes me feel distant towards him.”
This doesn’t sit well with me at all. If my husband was going on a business trip, and he refused to tell me who he was going with, I’d be livid! What does your husband have to hide? Yes, he knew you would not be happy that he is going on a business trip with a single female co-worker, but as his wife, you deserve to know. Withholding this information will only make things worse because it allows your brain to imagine a million different scenarios! Plus, how can you trust your husband if he is unwilling to be open and honest with you? Marriages are based on trust.
There is a serious communication breakdown between you and your husband. You should be able to maturely express your feelings to him. However, you must do so with a gentle, reassuring tone of voice, without attacking or accusing him. When we get frustrated and upset, it’s easy to fall into attack mode without realizing it. Watch your tone of voice, and choice of words when discussing potentially volatile subjects. In addition, listen to him, and try to see things from his point of view as well. I highly recommend marriage counseling. Have you spoken with him about this?
You remarked, “Also the sex has really dropped off since the wedding.” I can understand why you are concerned about this. Have either of you been under an increased amount of stress? Have you brought this to his attention?
Anyhow, will your husband and this woman be the only co-workers going on this trip, and how long will they be gone? Do you know anything about her? Does your husband plan to take her out for “late night dinners, drinking, and playing pool”?
Also, I get the impression your husband travels often for work. If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of profession does he have (sales?), and how often must he travel for work?
I know I asked a lot of questions, but I look forward to hearing your response. Try to stay positive! Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I suffer from jealousy also and I hate it. So although I identify with you I am going to challenge you because I know that my jealousy is my problem and not my bfs.
Why do we presume that there is a problem when another woman appears in our significant other's life? Why do we presume the worst, expect infidelity and turn in to control freaks?!
The reality is that someone who does not suffer from the kind of insecurities and jealousy that we are talking about would not feel the same way. I know because I researched it. And people do not want to be with an insecure, jealosu and possessive partner.
If I sound judgemental i am sorry, belive me I suffer from the same as you. The way I see it we have two choices - we either keep ourselves all torn up inside with these insecurities or we pull ourselves out of it and get over it.
So your question is how do you cope? You tell yuorself that these are your insecurities and that your husband is a trustworthy man. So the sex has petered away? Maybe there are loads of reasons for that but it does not mean that he will screw his colleague. But that is what you are thinking isnt it?
How do you cope? You just do. You get strong, independent. Thats what i need to do. We need to stop worrying about these kind of things. Why shouldnt a partner be able to be friends with someone of the same sex and if it is part of his job then surely that is good reason to go away? He has to go away with her, right? I would struggle too, dont get me wrong. The point I am making is that it is our insecurities and ultimately these will push our partners away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you FloridaCatGirl for your compassionate answer. Yes we have talked about it, but when I try to express my feelings, he blows up. Now we cannot discuss it at all. I had to dig just to find out who's going on this business trip next month. So it's definately a closed subject which makes me feel distant towards him. Also the sex has really dropped off since the wedding and the other day he remarked that he has no one to talk to about intellectual things, because I made the comment one morning at breakfast that the news was depressing and sometimes it would be nice to watch something else. I just worry that all these things are starting to add up even though he denies it.
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female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (25 February 2011):
 That's a part of life. Men and women travel all the time on business. Because she's a woman doesn't mean she's his type of woman. I have a friend who is insecure about her man,and every time a woman comes near him, she freak out. I'll tell you like I told her; your insecureness lie within you. If you never known him to cheat,than go by his record...The past dictate the future. Don't just give the man a "F" let him earn it. So far he's making all "A's"
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (25 February 2011):
I don’t blame you for being worried. I highly doubt your husband’s work description includes “late night dinners, drinking, and playing pool” with his female co-worker. He is not there to entertain her, or take her on a date. Besides, he’s married! If might be different if he were with a group of colleagues, but this doesn’t sound good. If the tables were turned, how would your husband feel? I imagine he wouldn’t be too happy about it.
Have you spoken with him about this? You really need to let him know that this is unacceptable. Please let us know what you decide to do. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Can you afford to hire a private eye? I would be extremely jealous too, however my husband has already cheated with other women behind my back and I never had any idea he kept it so well hidden. It has caused me immense pain and i wouldnt wish that on anyone.
Buy a semen test kit and test his underwear when he gets back. I know that doesnt help the jealousy beforehand. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to stop him cheating. If he's going to do it he will find a way.
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female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (25 February 2011):
 You have no choice, but to trust him. So, there's no point in driving yourself crazy with unnecessary stress. Any woman would be jealous, so your feelings are very normal.
The best thing you can do is have a calm, sincere talk with your husband. Admit your feelings about this situation and then, proposition a way for keeping communication that'll make you feel more secure, (late night webcam chats?).
...If you're also jealous because, he gets to travel and your upset you don't get to go anywhere, then maybe; discuss getting another plane ticket and during the weekend you two can do some sightseeing.
Hope it works out. Take Care.
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