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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have lost alot weight over the past few months and have really changed my look and how I dress.One of my motivations in losing weight was that I was hoping to meet someone, and sure enough now I have started to get a bit of attention from guys, where as before I was basically entirely ignored (or out right rejected). My issue is that the guys who have asked me out recently are all guys I have known and worked with for years! Instead of being happy, this has now made me really depressed and angry because they didn't like me before, and are only interested in me now that I am skinnier. I'm feeling very conflicted about this, because I know I'm shallow as well, and I was so proud of all that I have achieved, and I feel stupid because it's not a bad thing that these guys are interested, but I can't get over the fact that they only like me now that I've lost the weight. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? how do you reconcile these feelings?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 July 2012):
 They don't "only" like you now that you have lost weight. If body and looks was all they wanted I am thinking they are stupid guys who could go elsewhere to get a hot body. If these guys have something up in the top then I am thinking they liked you before as well, BUT... you were too big back then. Now that you have lost weight they finally see it as a possibility to date you, whereas before you were only friend-material. This could be for any number of reason: physical level of attraction is one. Life style choices is another.
People who ONLY have great hot looking bodies don't get as much attention either, believe me. Most people are looking for someone with BOTH body and soul.
I think they liked you before as well, basically. But now you are more of a total package, whereas before you were only have a package: personality, but not the body. People tend to want both things. You should see it as something good: this shows you've got a great personality as well.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 You can always decline their offers. It might better to date someone who doesn't work in your office or building anyhow. A fresh start. Someone who doesn't know who you used to be. Only who you are right now. You lost the weight because you wanted to be healthy. Men are attracted to women who are healthy because they can see themselves biking, hiking, camping and with a healthy woman who can keep up with the activities they want to do. Take it as a compliment. Rather than a negative.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): From a guys perspective OP you've kind of gotten the wrong impression. It's not about your weight really, it's how you now carry yourself with greater confidence, you look and feel better, you probably have just a slight bit more of a swagger now too and walk with your head held a little higher. You look great, feel great, dress to accentuate your new figure, look and feel sexier, of course we're going to take notice and of course we're going to find you more appealing.
You're really that pissed off that you went from a frumpy, dumpy woman with not much confidence to a sleek, sexy woman and that it has worked?
OP you if you had all those qualities while you were a bigger size you would have been just as successful, trust me. My girlfriend has a nice bit of extra weight but she's got a hell of a lot of confidence and just a way about her that makes her so appealing not just to me.She has self-worth, pride, confidence, she feels sexy and knows she's attractive and she gets a lot of male attention because of that.
Don't be pissed off that you didn't have that and now you do but do stay away from the guys at work etc. who didn't want you in the first place because I could be wrong and they could just be shallow asshats.
Don't let it get you down OP, be proud of what you've done, and be proud that it has worked. Take nothing more from these guys than the ego boost of knowing you're a sexy woman.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Maybe what you feel is inevitable, yet, personally,I could never relate to this brand of moralism by which all that's pertaining to the "outside " is evil and shallow and to the " inside " virtuous and noble.
We are made by body AND mind, looks AND personality. As it is normal to be more attracted to whom displays personality and characters traits that are attractive / pleasant according to the current standard of the society we live in, so it is normal that the same would happen for the physical part.
If someone displays not-so-attractive traits in EITHER area, well, that might be an obstacle , and I can't see anything weird in that, it's normal that people aspire to the best they can get from any point of view.
Now, some people ARE totally vapid, some men accept to date bitches and gold diggers etc. just because these women look good in a bikini, same as even too many women accept to be cheated on or even physically abused by men just because these men are " hot " or " sexy ".
But if a guy, at a party, at school, wherever.... meets two women, apparently both , at first impression, fun, intelligent, personable etc.... only, one looks good and the other alas does not, why should they choose the unattractive one ? to show the world how mature and spiritual they are ?...
People, if only humanly possible, goes for the whole package, or as much of the whole package as they can get.
These guys you mention, i think it's not that they HATED you when you were overweight , and now they like you. They probably already thought you were a nice person, with good qualities etc., only , in lack of physical chemistry, they weren't motivated enough to pursue you. Now, you are still the same nice person you were, but your dating value has been increased by your increased attractiveness. What's wrong with that, I wonder.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): you are not the shallow one l! there is nothing wrong with being proud of an achievement like that as losing weight isnt easy. If you want to date one of these guys then do it but if i were you I wud get out and find a guy who didnt know you before, it wud basically be a clean slate! good luck x
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 I know exactly what you mean. I used to be a dancer and when I quit dancing I went up to a size 8, and since I was in college I didn't really care THAT much about looking nice (makeup and clothes). Somehow I wound up with an awesome boyfriend anyways, but that's beside the point. So after college I started working in a very formal environment and I dropped down to a size 2, started dressing in nice clothing, and spending a lot more time on my makeup and skin care. I started getting hit on ALL the time and at first I was excited, but then I felt really upset and offended, as in, didn't I look nice before?! Are you only attracted to this "fake" version?
It goes away though. Soon you start to just realize, hey this is why you lost weight in the first place. Because you weren't happy with how you looked, so you wanted to do something about it. And guess what, you should feel awesome because losing weight is really hard for a lot of people. It takes motivation and will-power, it's work. Think of it in the sense that these guys are noticing your hard work and it's paying off.
Not to mention when you're not happy with your body it radiates out from you in every direction. People can tell and that lack of confidence is not sexy. When you lost that weight you likely gained confidence and I'm certain that shows through. Confidence is the sexiest attribute a woman can possess and I'm sure that newfound confidence you're wearing is attracting them too.
You have worked hard to look awesome, it has paid off, now own it.
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