A
male
age
30-35,
*omradeKhaos
writes:So this is kind of a interesting situation. My girlfriend is 16 years old, and I am 18 years old. We have been in a steady relationship for about a year now.I have been having problems getting over her past. At one time, she got mixed into the wrong crowd and got involved in drugs and partying.Because she generally had no money, plus she had a desire to "fit in", she often gave into offers from people. Throughout a period of 4 months, she gave oral sex to about 8 guys in exchange for drugs. She also had sex with 4 different guys, all of them except one was under the influence of one thing or the other. She also had one sexual incident with a girl, but it was pretty minor.When I met her, she was quite frankly a mess. A very kind girl who I think was simply being misguided. Her parents gave her a very sheltered life and it was kind of a rebellion on her part.After she met me, she gave up the drugs, drinking and partying all together and has been clean since then. I love her very much and she shows no sign of going back. She regrets her past very much, and since my mind can't get off her past, it sometimes comes up and usually ends up in her crying and saying she just wishes she could take it back. I know if she had the choice, she would take it all back.However, it keeps tugging on my mind. The images of those guys taking advantage of a girl disgusts me. And in a way, I think I might be mad at her for letting it happen. I just don't know how to cope to with this, as I love her very much and know she would never do anything to hurt me. It just disgusts, saddens, and makes me depressed everytime I think about it. Can somebody help?
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male
reader, KomradeKhaos +, writes (31 December 2010):
KomradeKhaos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to thank everyone for their help!
eddie85 - I think you're right about it diminishing. Time heals all wounds (or so I hope). Thanks!
Abella - Quite correct on the lovely woman part. I don't throw a guilt trip - 98% of time I struggle with this by myself - usually when I'm not with her. That needs to made clear.
needlesandpins - Thanks for the advice. I think you're for the most part right on your last statement - "deal with it when we have to cross that bridge" Thanks!
No watered down advice - Thanks, and thats what I thought too. I strive to support her everyday, I really do. Thanks. ;) Your 2nd post's last sentence was also very encouraging. :)
Cerberus_Raphel - What you said made me feel a lot better - you make a good point that theres a reason I'm here and there not. ;) And I don't want to leave her - she really is a loving and caring girl.
YouWish - I actually don't have much of a history, which I think might be a contributing problem but thats beside the point. I always treated her as if she had equal footing, and always wanted her input. Just because she made mistakes doesn't mean she doesn't have valued opinions. Its just the images of somebody taking advantage of her that sickens me.
anonymous - Thanks for the advice on the healing and moving forward. Good point. As for the rest, no I'm not trying to be superior. I'm a good guy (or at least I like to think of myself as one! lol)
jonas - Your post helped tremendously and really did put it in perspective. I think your right, and this made me feel a lot more comforted. I looked at her picture on my desk of her after I read this I couldn't help but smile. Thanks again. ;) Your 2nd post also helped alot. Made me realize what I gem I really have. :)
Jen - another great post and what you said really did give me some other stories to look at. Thanks for the advice as well.
anonymous (28 dec) - Finally learned the term for it. Thanks. Maybe it is nature. Regardless, it did/is bothering me.
1DrLove - I think you might be overestimating the situation. I don't ride her and constantly remind her - I'm just worried and trying to get the images out of mind. Sure, the topic does come up. The reason I know is because we live in a small town, and well quite frankly, news spreads.
A
male
reader, 1DrLove +, writes (30 December 2010):
She could have changed without you, but you would still be a blackmailer and kind of a jerk. Why did she tell you this stuff anyway or did you drag it out of her. She doesn't need to be constantly reminded about a time in her life when she wasn't her best person. Remember when you forgive someone it's "as if" it never happened. You owe her an apology and don't use the apology to beat her up again about the bad parts in her life.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (29 December 2010):
 You cannot knock those images away so easily but you can try and ignore them. In time they will pass and you will forget, imagine how hard it must be for her, she must be trying to forget as well. Just try and live through those images, do not let them affect anything, be patient.I hope that helps.
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female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (28 December 2010):
 No matter how many times you tell her how proud you are of her! You can tell her this a MILLION times to that one time of downing her past and guess what we hear? The DOWNING!!! Because in order for us to have picked up a drug in the first place and use our bodies like that, somewhere is some underlined issues that someday need to be addressed.No mattered how COLD TURKEY she stopped, she picked up for a reason.I wish her well! Some people stop COLD TURKEY and NEVER look back! I'm hoping she's one of them MY heart tells me she is. : )
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male
reader, KomradeKhaos +, writes (28 December 2010):
KomradeKhaos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also give her plenty of encouragement and always tell her how proud I am of her. I am very proud of her, I mean how many people can knock that lifestyle cold turkey? She makes me proud everyday of the life she leads today, I just hate the images my mind makes of her past life.
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male
reader, KomradeKhaos +, writes (28 December 2010):
KomradeKhaos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clarify, I never send her on a guilt trip about it but I usually try to talk to her about how I can't stop thinking about it. Usually this stems from another thing...I'm shipping out to the Air Force in July and want to make sure she keeps clean. She'll be a senior next year, if all goes well after my training, she'll come along with me afterwords.
Make it well known I love this girl, and I'm not so much disgusted at her as much as I am to the actions themselves and the guys who did it to her.
This girl was brought up by Pastor parents. If that gives you any idea on the upbringing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): It's Retroactive Jealousy. It's completly normal and healthy. It is nature's way of encouraging you to pick a wife who won't lie to you about who fathered the kids. And why it doesn't bother you as much when you're dating and having fun until you start feeling serious about the girl. These feelings have got nothing to do with what will make you or your GF happier today. It's just what made your male ancestors survive better so that is what you are stuck with. Men usually prefer inexperienced women just like women usually prefer men with some experience. Maybe in another few generations we will be ready to admit that casual sex is not as harmless as we tell ourselves it is today. But we're a long way from that yet. Right now we prefer to tell the hurt people that they are the problem and they are not normal.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I don't agree that someone's upbringing truly affects who they are. I think who they are affects how they handle their upbringing. My fiance and I grew up very differently, and both turned out very driven and motivated to better ourselves. And both of our siblings grew up in the same households as us, and turned out to have major problems later in life that my fiance and I don't suffer from.His parents were alcoholics and his mother was depressed and suicidal when he and his sister were of very young ages. His sister took to doing drugs and sleeping around, and he took to sobriety and striving to going after girls who were similar to his mother so that he could save them.My parents were both very loving and giving and showed both my brother and I how to make more of ourselves. My brother rebelled and did drugs and ran away numerous times. I, on the other hand, didn't drink until age 17 and didn't lose my virginity until age 20. Although I did suffer from a few eating disorders.This girl, for her own reasons, did what she did. She could have been building off of her upbringing, or she could have been just a very curious teenager. The point is that she's changed for you. My fiance's ex was EXACTLY like your girl USED to be, only she did it with or without him in her life. He wanted to save her and take her pain away, but some people just can't be helped. She would pretend to be clean but then would lie and go behind his back to do them. She also cheated on him numerous times, with girls and guys. She refused to wear condoms with him and lied about wearing the Nuva Ring to try and trap him with a pregnancy. If he would ever try to leave her, she would threaten suicide or self-harm. When he finally DID leave her, she sliced her wrist open with a kitchen knife out of desperation to keep him. He got her help, but then cut all contact. Only two weeks later, she was sleeping with another guy, and became pregnant by him that next month. The father of her child has since left her (twice), and has a house with another girl. She's still single and is still doing drugs and partying like she used to.Please don't give up a girl who's changed her ways of life for you, for the BETTER. You've saved her. You've given her a lot more than anyone else could have and probably would have given her. She sounds like she's turned her life around, but not given proper encouragement, and only punishment, she might see it as a failure nonetheless and revert back to her old ways. I KNOW it's difficult to know that everything like that happened with her and to NOT picture it. I'm suffering from that as well picturing my fiance with his ex. But I've learned not to punish him for it. If you're going to think of it regardless, so be it. But don't make her suffer for it.If you'd like to message me, feel free. I could always use someone to talk to myself about retroactive jealousy. It's a nasty thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): It's not fair to keep torturing someone about their past. If you had a major problem with it then you should just have been a friend and not a significant other.
You're behavior is only going to make her feel not good enough and it's reminding her of a painful time in her life. In order to completely heal she needs to focus on the future and happy things.
Just live in the present and forget about the past if you want a future with this woman. Let her go if you don't.
Ask yourself why you are with her if her past bothers you so much. Do you want to feel superior in some way? Do you want a partner who you doesn't feel completely trusted and loved? Do you want someone to fix as someone else said here?
People need to change for themselves not for others.
Whatever caused her to get into that lifestyle probably needs to be addressed at some point, which would mean counseling for her. You might want to try counseling also to work out your feelings.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Abella's onto something here. It's also interesting to me that when you met her, she was a mess, and her past didn't disgust you then. You only started really having the problem AFTER she gave up that life and is now living upright and clean.
Are you sure that you weren't using her to meet your emotional needs for someone who wasn't a peer in your eyes that you could rescue? Now that she's clean and is standing tall and on your level, you can't continue the codependent relationship of rescuer and rescuee. As Abella put it, she accomplished what 90% of others in her situation are unable to do.
Is it while you were the "rescuer", you felt a bit on a superior footing (and as a result, a footing of power in the relationship) because she was messed up, yet when she cleaned up and started looking to you for a relationship on equal footing, your mind is looking for ways to keep her in that "messed up" phase? It's the same psychology of someone who knows that their friend is dieting, but they subconsciously feel threatened and so they leave treats or offer them or suggest restaurants full of the foods the dieter is trying to get away from. You want to keep her as she was instead of let her grow to what she can be without judgment and pity.
Bottom line, if you can't love her for who and what she is, past and all, then you have no business being with her. She's growing beyond the judgment, and she's also growing beyond the need to be rescued. I'm guessing that you have a sexual history as well as things you're also not proud of in your past. Everyone does. There is no one who is clean. She's not wallowing in her former life and trying to drag you into it. She's not justifying it. Let her grow, man, or let her go.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (27 December 2010):
We all make mistakes. Hers are simply more dire in your eyes and you need to change that. Why is she your girlfriend anyway if you cannot overcome the disgust you currently feel? Why not just leave her and find someone more 'pure'?
There is a reason why you are still with her, the reason why you have sought advice instead of leaving her straight away. Aside from the apparent distress this is causing you, is her past affecting any other aspect of your relationship with her? Does it keep you from speaking to her or looking at her even? It was harder for her to let go of her lifestyle than it is for you to forget her past. You think about her past because somehow it makes you look at her differently is that right? Maybe you just need to realize that the moment she changed FOR YOU, she was a new person and you need to forget what the old one did so you can give your girlfriend a proper chance. You obviously still respect her do you not? So just forget about her past, what's done is done and she has already made up for it, what more can you ask? Those other boys are not touching her now and you ever catch someone mistreating her, you have all the right in the world to defend her so she cannot fall back again.
Or you can just leave her and forget about it, it is your choice.
I hope that helps.
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female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (27 December 2010):
When I tried to change for other people other than myself it never would last long for the very reason you mentioned. They would throw it up in my face, and they would have me in tears. I too had drug problems alone with far more problems than she had. Then one day I decided I couldn't change for anyone one other than ME. Therefore when my past comes up all they say is "Wow, how did you do it" And I say “One day at a time!” The moral of my story and the advice I'm going to give to you is: You have a gift to help people, and then you turn right back around and TAKE IT BACK! That's causes a person to feel (A) "What's the use" I might as well keep using drugs! I'm getting the same treatment, Or (B) I refuse to go back to using drugs, so I have to leave this situation that's causes me to remember all the pain. Pick one. A or B. Because that's what it will boil down to if you continue with what you're doing.
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reader, needlesandpinsuh +, writes (27 December 2010):
The only thing I can say is that... the past is past. The state of being addicted to drugs makes a person desperate in a way and completely changes characters. She isn't the same person now, period. She wasn't the person before the drugs. They changed her and she is wiser now for her past experiences. Please accept her as she is now and move ahead. She won't likely falter, but if she does, that will be the time to worry.
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reader, Abella +, writes (27 December 2010):
 the 'help' required here is an adjustment to your attitude.
On the one hand you rescued her from a life in peril. With your love she turned her back on the old life. She was strong and did what many are unable to do. She is now a lovely fully functioning young woman.
She does not need rescuing now.
So that's not good enough for you.
She trusted you so much and believed you so much. Beieving you to be a good non judgmental man. That she had enough trust to open up to you how much hell she went through.
And how do you repay that trust?
You act revolted. You throw a guilt trip on your poor girl. Who has been through so much.
She breaks down in tears.
So you rescue her.
Until the next guilt trip you foist on this poor girl.
At which point she will cry
And need rescuing.
Either love your girlfriend unconditionally, without judgement. Accept her past, don't mention it again, and feel proud of how, together, you righted a wrong situation
Or
Open an animal nursery and rescue center for sick injured animals and birds.
When you've nursed them back to health you can send them back to face the forces of nature. And go looking for something else to rescue
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I think you've got this one out in the open and you've talked about. I am glad your girlfriend is doing better.
I am not sure there is an easy answer here. I think as time goes on her past's effect on you will diminish. You can't cute or hurry "normal"
Just be kind to her and treat her well.
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