A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So, I just want to challenge an attitude that I've found rather unappealing on here.Recently someone asked a question about a woman who was single at 42. She had never married, and Fatherly Advice presented the view that if you have not found an adequate partner in that time then it's not likely that you ever will. He also said that single people lose their relationship skills and often become bitter.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/she-says-she-knows-what-she-wants-and.htmlI would like to say in response that the amount of failed marriages are testimony to the poor decision making of people who were too quick to think they HAD found an adequate partner.Why criticise someone who is more circumspect?Said person may be fully involved in the community and have wonderful social skills.My friend of 50 got together with her man at 45 and they are deeply in love. Her friend of the same age married for the first time 2 years ago. As for the best people being taken first, the people who are taken first may simply have been drawn into unsuitable relationships and not had the strength to get out.It's a shame that our society is so quick to re-inforce notion of Old Maid. Oh dear... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): Hmm, yep, it did strike a nerve! Think I'm with you on veering towards the Phil Collins version...
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (30 March 2013):
 On a side note, I always preferred the Phil Collins cover to "You Can't Hurry Love" though I'm a Supremes fan as well.
Each case is different as to why some people take longer to marry. One thing is certain, OP, is that that post and some of the answers struck a nerve in you.
In the case in the thread you gave as an example, the first thing that popped into my mind was that this specific lady was commitment-phobic and carried some baggage in the form of intimacy issues.
However, there are many reasons why some don't marry by their 40's. The most obvious reason being that they don't feel like it! Some people are just not the kind to settle down. It's just more of a stigma when a woman chooses the bachelor life than a guy does. She's not doomed to be a "crazy bitter cat lady" any more than George Clooney is destined to run out into the forest in his underwear and talk to the trees because he refuses to marry.
Funny thing -- one of my best friends in high school had a ton of boyfriends, and she was always talking about a romantic future and marriage and children and families. I on the other hand took great pains to announce to the world that I loathed the very idea of marriage and didn't want to marry or have kids. Funny now that I'm happily married and she isn't.
The only reason she isn't is because she loves her job and has lived everywhere from Seoul, South Korea to Antarctica. She's 40 and the only reason she's not married is that life gave her other plans.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 March 2013):
 I agree with you OP. My PhD supervisor is a very intelligent and smart woman who is 60. Never been married, no kids. The common perception about her is that she's a frustrated old hag who's just out to make everyone's life miserable. Why? Obviously because she's single and has nothing better to do!! That's society for you!
I'm 30 and unmarried,in my final year of PhD in Sociology. I get snide comments too, that if I dont "find the right guy" then I'll become the crazy cat lady because lets face it, no matter what my academic qualifications are or in whichever way I'm contributing to society, its all meaningless unless I have a man on my side.
I too don't understand this reasoning that people seem to have, that older single women are bitter and incapable of having a proper relationship as they get older. In fact, I think its the other way around!! I'm a lot less irritable and a lot more grounded now than what I was when I was in my 20's! I would never make the same mistakes in my relationships now, that I did earlier on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): Go back and read the other thread again. The discussion is not being very gender-specific at all.
Anyone who reaches 42yo with no relationship experience is going to provoke some comments and speculations, male or female.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): OP again. Goodness knows why, but I feel the need to say more - sorry! It's just that this idea of the best being creamed off first is simply wrong. As we age we grow into more interesting human beings, we don't become embittered. We are engaging with life, not sitting around deteriorating. I'm a much better person to go out with now than I was at 20. Much more grounded. Still me, but far better able to have a real relationship. And I get approached by more men now than ever before. With each relationship I have, I learn more about myself and about life. It's not a race down the aisle!
Maybe the 42 year old girlfriend in original post is similar.
Thank you, rant over.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): "As for the best people being taken first, the people who are taken first may simply have been drawn into unsuitable relationships and not had the strength to get out."Completely agree, any random day's worth of Dear Cupid postings contain too many from those who hopped into bed with random strangers and are now looking to salvage the resulting ill-advised, unhappy, dysfunctional relationships ranging in duration from days to decades (not always marriages, amazing the number of ongoing open-ended long-term "engagements"), usually because one partyis perpetually waiting for the other to magically change and as a result they've been through too much together to throw away all that history. "Said person may be fully involved in the community and have wonderful social skills."Exactly, much more productive and satisfying way of life than to have been joined at the hip to some soul-sucking loser for past ten-to-thirty years.As a never-married sixtyish guy, I still take to heart the lyrics of a song I first heard as a pre-teen originally performed by The Supremes (iconic 1960's female vocal group for you young'uns):But Mama saidYou can't hurry loveNo, you just have to waitShe said love don't come easy It's a game of give and take You can't hurry loveNo, you just have to waitYou gotta trust, give it timeNo matter how long it takes
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (29 March 2013):
It’s a fair point.
I always make the point that when you’re looking for your special some-one, there’s always a bit of luck involved: it’s 1 person out of so many. So, if you happen to meet that person early in life you’ve had a bit of good fortune. Plenty more people probably meet the wrong person: a person’s success isn’t determined by how many relationships they have had, or ages. I recall reading an article a while back on “involuntary celibates”-men and women single through no choice of their own. It focussed on long-term single women and asked if there’s anything different about those women who seem to remain celibate and single and not enter relationships. It found that there was no difference psychologically: they were as sociable, intellectually similar, and like-minded as their non-celibate counterparts. Luck seems to be the explanation in the absence of any other good reason.
I can’t see a reason, or at least a generalisable one, for why some women remain single for so many years, that’s why I conclude that it’s luck if you happen to meet your partner early on. I suppose the point, though, is that as interesting a discussion as that is, the question we really should be asking is so what? Does society have a problem because of these people? Are they going to experience problems in life if they are quite comfortable with their single status, whether because that’s their choice or because they are happy to wait for a partner that meets clear expectations?
Relationships is a subject where our views are so shaped by our own experiences and the experiences of those close to us that we witness, that it does create strong feelings. But if your post is a warning to exercise some caution about generalising, it’s a good one. In Fatherly Advice’s defence, he did try and present a balanced view and didn’t seem to be explicitly claiming to be advancing a truth universally applicable to all middle-aged, single women, without any exception.
I wish you all the very best.
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