A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is an update on http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-16-year-old-son-is-in-love.htmlI should mention, this woman is a counsellor for people with gambling addictions - adults, that is, not a school counsellor and she's also extremely wealthy too - despite that, she drives a 2002 Ford Mondeo and lives on a council estate!(according to him "she doesn't want to leave her roots behind"). We live in Watford, Hertfordshire; this woman lives in Edgware, London.As for them having sex, they are, he's told me so, and that he's overly careful about using protection. He said he's not with her for the money, didn't even know she was wealthy but doesn't care - they love one another.This woman's not on Facebook/Twitter, so social networking isn't an issue, they just use hotmail, gmail etc. as email to one another.She's 40, but looks at least a decade younger, and apart from doing counselling, does some modelling for catalogues - not glamour modelling, just cardigans, tops, dresses etc. - nothing sexual.However, he's still insisting he wants to marry her; the topic had faded over the past few months, but now he's brought it back to the fore, he says they both want to get married as soon as he's 20 and she's 44, and have a child together. So the financial planning issue is still a consideration.I'm a bit worried about my son; isn't this too much, too soon?He has few friends, except for some friends of his dad, and two older students in college (i.e. mature students of 25 and 28, two males, one female).I'm still not sure what to do... he wants to discuss this with me but I'm concerned about this, he's only had 2 girlfriends before now and now he wants to marry this much older woman!It feels like I'm living in a version of Harold and Maude.It's the issues surrounding the age difference that's the main one for me and him planning to marry young.I'd appreciate any advice on how to deal with this situation further; my husband is getting worried and stressed over this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): If their planned wedding date is still 4 years away that's plenty of time for this relationship to fizzle out. He will probably change a lot in the next 4 yeara after all. and if they are actually still together in 4 years and wanting to marry and you do not see signs of him being taken advantage of then I would say that is a good sign and means their relationship is real. In which case it could be a plus that shes so much older than him and wealthy as he will be well taken care of in his marriage!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 I would try reverse psychology if I were you. Because clearly not approving of this is not working.
Here in the states she would be arrested and all over the news for statutory rape. Since they can legally have relations, there is not much you can do so I would "kill them with kindness". I would also treat her just as you would him... as a child. Assume that she has no life skills to bring to this relationship. WHEN she corrects you... "apologize" to her and say "oh I'm sorry, I assumed anyone who was friends with my son, had the same level of knowledge and expertise in life matters that he does." or something along the lines that let her know that no matter how old she is, she is YOUR SON'S friend and will be TREATED to the same rules and expectations as any other person he brings home. Then do it. If you would say something to a 17 yr old girl he's dating... treat her the same way...
Embrace your "future daughter in law". In fact, ENCOURAGE them to sit and plan their life WITH YOU. IF she's hesitant to disclose her finances you can point out to them that part of being married is full disclosure and you could be concerned about what she is not being forthcoming about.
Talk about the wedding... food, guests, expenses... let him know that sadly there is no money for you to offer him for his nest egg... will he be working or going to school? how does SHE feel about this?
Offer to help them write their family budget... he has NO clue about how much it costs to run a home both time and cash wise.
THE MORE you bring her into YOUR FAMILY the more control you get but you have to be very subtle about it... let him over time come to his own conclusions...
I am 53 to my husband's nearly 40 and I hate that he's so much younger than I am. IN fact, in most successful age gap relationships I know of where the woman is older, she loathes that her guy is younger. I would start with complimenting her on her comfort at being such a "cougar" (I hate that term) I know you are not happy about it and I can't say I blame you but I think making her a close "friend and confidant" is critical in EVENTUALLY bringing this chapter of his life to a close.
Marriage is 4 years off for him if he's waiting till he's 20 and trust me what he wants at 16 will not be what he wants at 20 and the more you try to pull them apart, like magnets the more they will be drawn to each other.
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A
female
reader, Lolly_Poll +, writes (29 May 2013):
I'm 19 and my partner is 31. We got together two years ago, and I'm not as lucky as your son, to have a mother who is remotely supportive of his decisions. You mentioned in your last post that you were going to meet this woman, how did that go? In many respects you should go with your gut instinct. Does she seem ok to you? Do you think she genuinely feels for your son? He's communicating with you, which is very good, at least he is not shutting you out or making decisions without you. I understand your apprehension about your son marrying young, and having children, but that doesn't have to be the end of his life. He can still have a career, still have a future even if he chooses to have a wife early.The reason I mentioned about myself and my boyfriend, is that I also do not have many friends, the ones that I do have are much older than me, in their mid twenties. Myself and my partner bond on such a deep level, we have so much in common that we never notice the age difference. I know that sounds like a cliche, but we really don't. I'm quite a mature person, so have always favoured relationships and friendships with those older than me. Age doesn't always mean anything, your son likely connects with this woman on a much deeper level than of girls his own age.Strictly speaking you can't stop him from making his own choices, but if you try to maintain open communication with them both and let your son know that you are there for him and support him regardless, then your relationship will be stronger and he will probably be able to reassure you and try to help you understand his choices, much better than anyone on here could.Good luck x
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