A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I recently got engaged, mostly due to the fact that I got pregnant. We were having some problems but when we found out, we decided to work on it. It hasn't been easy but things are slowly improving and we're both excited about the baby. During the time we were having problems, we had broken up for a few months and I had reconnected with one of my exes, just over email even though we live only about 20 mins apart (so we could have easily met up, but we chose not to). It was completely friendly, not flirtatious at all and just mostly catching up on each others lives. Then I got pregnant and abruptly stopped responding to him and he made no further attempt to contact me. That was four months ago.Out of the blue today he emailed me to say, "I just saw your status as engaged! Congrats!" I'd like to respond to him and say thanks, sorry for disappearing on him like that and just explain why. Not because I feel like I'm obligated, but I want to. We used to be close and he was a nice person to just talk to and honestly, I feel bad about the way I've acted. At the same time, I want to be honest with my fiance about replying to my ex but I feel like he'll probably say I'm not allowed to talk to him. Is that reasonable?I have no intention of being unfaithful or anything more than friendship and if not that, even just that one email back to say thanks and sorry for ignoring him out of no where would be ok with me. My fiance and future child is definitely more important than anything but I don't want to treat someone else (the ex) badly for no real reason when they were nothing but kind to me.Is it ok to just want to have the chance to send at least one email back?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Yes it's OK for you to send an email back to your ex to apologize for being rude, but you should cc your fiance on it so he knows exactly what was said and when. to be honest, and I know this was not your question, but I think it's a bad idea to be getting engaged/married to your bf just because you are pregnant. If he wasn't the right person to marry without a baby in the picture, he's still not the right person to marry just because of a baby. You should marry the person that is good for you as a life partner, not because you happen to have a kid with them. A baby doesn't cancel out all the toxic parts of a relationship, it just makes all the problems worse in the long run, and creates new problems in your relationship, then most likely you eventually will decide to break up anyway but under much worse conditions than now, or fall into the rut of being unhappily married and all the problems that come with living that kind of life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice everyone. I guess I didn't explain why I think my fiance would be opposed to me talking to an ex. He has asked me to stop talking to certain exes/past dates before either because he just didn't like them (not they'd ever met) or because they kept contacting me even after I told them not to (which is an understandable request, I guess). It didn't really bother me because I wasn't really close to those people.Long story in a nutshell: My fiance (then boyfriend) and I dated for almost 2 years and then broke up. It was very drama filled and we went our separate ways. The ex and I were friends while I was with my fiance (then boyfriend)and is the person I dated for almost a year during the period we were broken up (no contact at all). I know my fiance doesn't have positive feelings towards my ex. If I say, "I just want to message him back once to say thanks", he will probably say, "Why do you need to? You don't need to be friends with him." and probably claim that I am putting my feelings above his, because it would upset him if I was talking to my ex. These are the things he's said in the past, which is what I'm basing my concerns from.Either way, I'll tell my fiance first. I don't want him to think I'm going behind his back and doing things or for him to see the message accidentally and make this a bigger issue than it is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): "My fiance and I recently got engaged, mostly due to the fact that I got pregnant. We were having some problems but when we found out, we decided to work on it. It hasn't been easy but things are slowly improving and we're both excited about the baby."Unfortunately an engagement due to unplanned pregnancy resulting from a troubled relationship usually does not bode well for a successful marriage.If you're afraid that baby daddy will object to you remaining on friendly terms with an ex, then you are not ready for marriage. And at the risk of coming across as an old fart, the idea of a woman getting "engaged" after becoming pregnant out of wedlock falls under the category of locking the barn door after the horse is stolen. You either have a shotgun wedding before the birth or you don't, and given the tenuous and volatile state of your coupling, rushing into an ill-advised marriage on top of an ill-timed pregnancy is only compounding a mistake.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 Hi
Your assuming your fiancé will tell you not to email a reply to your ex, even though it's not happened yet and would be purely innocent.
Your ex has merely congratulated you, so all you need to do is say thanks.
Why not just do that, then leave it. Also what makes you think your fiancée would mind - is he the jealous type, has he said anything to make you think he would object?
If he does create when you tell him then you need to talk, it's an innocent 'thank you' - not 'lets meet for sex'
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A
female
reader, Kk123  +, writes (29 May 2013):
You should be able to message him back (your ex) and let him know you situation and that even though you guys are really good friends maybe it's time that you guys speak to other people because you are really busy and it could jeprodize your relationship and family and you don't want him to be the blame for that if it does happen just be gentle then just be honest with your fiancé and just tell him that you told your ex you couldn't talk to him anymore. If your fiancé doesn't believe you told him you couldn't talk anymore show him the message. Hope this helps Hun Xx goodluck :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 ... I'm left wondering if you are intentionally trying to create drama. And I wonder why you can't have a little faith, relax, and be happy?
"At the same time, I want to be honest with my fiance about replying to my ex but I feel like he'll probably say I'm not allowed to talk to him. Is that reasonable?"
Why do you feel like your fiance will not allow you to talk to him, and why are you already wondering if it is reasonable or not, when he hasn't even said anything! You're creating this imaginary dilemma, a dilemma that isn't there.
You're asking us if it is reasonable that you think your boyfriend MIGHT "not allow you" to talk to your ex. No, this isn't reasonable. You shouldn't be assuming how he will react or not react, and you shouldn't go thinking he will automatically be against everything you do. Besides, the whole imaginary argument is pointless. If YOU want to contact your ex, and YOU judge it to be only a courtesy message, then that's all there is to it.
But I have a feeling, since you yourself are the one who thinks your boyfriend will have a problem with it, then it is you yourself who actually have a problem with it. You worry your boyfriend will not like it, because you somehow know you did something wrong. A friendly chat isn't wrong, but perhaps you did indeed have other intentions at the time when you contacted him. So maybe you're feeling guilty now, and you are reflecting your own emotions on to your boyfriend. Remember, HE isn't the one who has a problem with you talking to your ex. You are the one who's jumping ahead and anticipating a problem. And only you know why this would be a problem...
Btw, no one can "allow" or "not allow" you to do anything. It's all about respect. If he feels uncomfortable about you contacting an ex (and HE has told you this, not just you assuming what he thinks) then he should tell you so and you should respect that by limiting the contact. Not because he told you so, but because you are considerate of his feelings and respect him. But you seriously need to hear this from him, you can't go around jumping to conclusions like this. It only creates a problem because you believe there will be one.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2013):
 I talk to my ex husband all the time. I've even had lunch with him. I just make sure my current husband knows about it BEFORE it happens.
I think that you wanting to explain it is fine.
so go to him and explain it to him and if he reacts with "NO YOU MUST NEVER HAVE ANY CONTACT with any former partners" consider how insecure and controlling this man may be later in life with you.
if you were having problems before you got pregnant.. a baby will not fix those problems... and the fact that you think your fiance may "forbid" you to have contact with an ex raises red flags for me.
I would rather see you a single mom than a divorced young thing...
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A
male
reader, playitagain-sam +, writes (29 May 2013):
It is NOT reasonable for your fiance to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with. Your intentions with your ex are perfectly innocent and normal. Your fiance obviously has jealousy and trust issues, which are not good things going into a marriage. Baby aside for a moment, if he is serious about working on the relationship then he has to understand that its okay for your to keep in touch with an ex, and he has to learn to trust you.I personally don't think you have to get married just because your pregnant, but either way this man will be part of your life. I hope he makes an honest effort to mature and grow up quickly.
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