A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've always considered myself pan-sexual. I only fall for special people, regardless of gender. I can only fall for personality and not sex, and never people I haven't known for a while. I have a really good friend, whom I've been infatuated with for a few months. He's a year and a bit older than me, but there's not any maturity difference. We talk all the time, tell each other a lot of things. We don't even live in the same town but it doesn't matter. He came out to me the other day, and I'm thrilled for him. I love having gay friends, and because of the kind of person I am (and being pan-sexual), I was the first person that a few of my gay friends came out to.I completely accept him for who he is, and will not cease to be friends with him, and I still love him nonetheless. Gay is who he is, and I know nothing can change that.My problem is, I'm a bit upset. Not that he's gay, just in the sense that you would be if someone didn't like you back. I'll get over it. I guess I just need reassuring that being upset that he'll never like me in that sense doesn't make me a spoiled brat. It's not him being gay that upsets me, just that he can never feel for me what I feel for him. I just need to know that I have a legitimate reason to be a bit upset.My friend says that maybe I should tell him how I feel, because he's my friend he'd be understanding and put me at ease, and he wouldn't get "scared off" because he's not straight, but I'm not sure that that's a good idea. I love him to pieces and I'm not ever going to risk our friendship.Please can someone reassure me I'm not being selfish? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): You have an understandable crush. At your age, you can't exactly be sure about your feelings or your sexual identity, and what you feel is perfectly normal.
Crushes fade over time, and the feelings you have will pass.
I see no use in telling him how you feel; if he is gay and it won't change anything. It will not scare him if you did. Just don't try to force your feelings on him. Telling him you are upset that he doesn't feel the same way for you, would be like saying you don't approve of him being gay.
There are some things that we feel that is better kept to ourselves. He has enough to worry about coming to terms with being gay. Just continue being a good friend. He needs all the support he can get.
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (30 May 2013):
 It's natural to feel sad that your love interest isn't romantically attracted to you. It doesn't make you selfish, it makes you human.
As a pansexual person, I completely relate to your frustration in this, as I've also fallen for people who either couldn't or wouldn't return my affection. Don't worry, you'll find a new love soon enough.
Just give yourself a few weeks to sort of mourn the loss, eat some ice cream and watch a few sappy movies. You'll come to terms with it and move on eventually. Allow yourself to grieve without punishing yourself for your humanity.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 May 2013):
Well, not to get all technical on you, but it is selfish by definition. That doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or being a bad person. It's perfectly okay to be selfish sometimes, after all, if you don't look out for your own needs who will?
I've never been in your situation, but I have been into a girl that wasn't into me. It's just an inevitable part of life, and it wont take long to convert your feelings to friendship feelings.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (29 May 2013):
 You're not being selfish at all. You're sad because someone you like doesn't feel the same way about you and you have every right to be upset, regardless of circumstances. You sound like you're handling things just fine.
As for telling him, I don't think you would achieve anything at this stage by doing so. I'm sure he's dealing with all sorts of emotions, and telling him might confuse him and make him feel guilty for not reciprocating your feelings. On the other hand, if being around him is making you suffer a lot, then you need to take a step back and some time out. The problem with this is that he might interpret this as you being uncomfortable with him being gay. In that case you would have to tell him.
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