A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello! I have been in a relationship for over two years. My SO hasn’t worked most of our relationship. I have an apartment that he pretty much stays at unless he goes home after a fight. I am constantly stressed about bills and responsibilities and he is constantly reminding me of what I need to buy for recreation and need alike, or asking for things for himself. I try not to make him feel bad because he isn’t working but it comes up sometimes. He is emotionally supportive, he helps me with my child, he helps clean sometimes and he will cook on the grill to help out. When we get into fights he belittles me, makes me feel dumb, never owns up to anything and every issue is my fault alone. He never apologizes for his wrongs. When he is upset about me mentioning needing financial help or ANY conversation about how his disrespect makes me feel, he has nothing. if I complain about anything he does it will turn into a fight and we go days without speaking until he gets over it. Meanwhile, if he is upset about something I did we have to discuss it and I need to listen to him and make the adjustment, which I do. “Men can’t let anything slide or women lose respect for them” is why every issue he has must be addressed right away. The minute I get 10 seconds into a conversation about something bothering me, he cuts me off and it becomes him talking. Every. Single. Argument. I end up saying “ you haven’t let me talk, you don’t even know how I feel because you cut me off and flipped the whole thing on me”. I get frustrated and emotional and of course he then says I’m being irrational and the problem is mine. It feels like a slap in the face to provide everything for this relationship and not even get the respect of an adult conversation. I’m told my feelings don’t matter. He doesn’t work off of emotions. My issue with what he does is my issue to get through and not for him to adjust. No compromise. No promises to offer help. Just nothing. He says himself his biggest contribution is being my emotional support but it’s hard to feel that way when he tears down my emotions the minute I’m not praising him. I don’t know what I could be doing different to communicate with him in an effective way. Does anyone have any advice? I don’t even know what the biggest issue in our situation is because all of this is bothering me. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): HiI am female anon who recommended the book and related some of my experiences of abusive behaviour.The same kind of behaviour is employed in all abusive relationships, that's why what I've written rings bells with you. There are books, seminars and God knows what else out there that teach people (USUALLY man against woman) HOW to abuse a partner. There are a bunch of tactics that are used and each abusive person takes their pick of tactics that they are going to use.The thing is unless someone has experienced abuse, they think that you will be dealing with a rational, logical, decent human being. Someone who wants peace and harmony and happiness. They have never experienced anything else (lucky them) and so really don't suspect that there are people out there, who are happy to watch their 'loved ones' fall apart as they abuse them, just so long as they get what they want. This is why a lot of people just don't understand what you're dealing with. That's why advice from friends or family if you confide in them often amounts to...'Oh he's just had a bad day,' or...'sit him down and tell him how you feel,' or a suggestion to go to counselling, which with an abusive person is just about the worst thing you can do. Letting an abusive person into your mind and telling them your hopes and fears and what makes you unhappy just gives them so much ammunition against you, they think their birthdays have come all at once!!If you talk to someone who has gone through what you have gone through, they will all understand what is so HARD to explain.There are also things called 'Betrayal bonds' or 'Trauma bonds', which are exceptionally deep bonds that are created with someone who abuses you. Crazy isn't it? And a lot of people don't understand this. The mind does strange things to even the most sane and strong among us, which is why I cant stand hearing/reading people who've been abused treated as if they're stupid. This is one of the reasons why it's difficult to leave. These people are very psychologically clever and pull all kinds of mind tricks. And as human beings, we adapt, and things that we never would have stood for before, become normal. Other reasons why abused people find it hard to leave is because they are terrified. Some abuse is so bad that the person is in a living nightmare situation and to leave that is more than impossible when you've been beaten down by this person, have no energy left, no fight left and everything becomes about managing to exist for another day. Also, the abusive person they are leaving has legs!! And they don't want you to leave so they follow you, stalk you, threaten you, make your life a living hell, until it's easier to go back. They don't give up easily. Police are limited in what they can do when it's this bad and calling the police is fine until the police go home and leave you with a very angry vindictive person. I'm not trying to scare you, but to make you realise what you're dealing with here. Abuse always gets worse and your partner is so incredibly entitled (as all abusive people are) that he will get worse, his needs and wants and wishes are all that matter to him, yours don't exist. They never do in abusive relationships. All you are there for is to serve him. YOU don't matter. I'm sure you've realised this already. All these things he's doing with you now, making himself king of the castle and you at fault for everything is for you to learn your place. He's training you. I suppose I want you to see that you are on a hiding to nothing with him, other than serious and profound unhappiness. Please read the book I suggested. I've been in three abusive relationships and had an abusive father. I've learned a lot the hard way, but also I've learned a lot by reading about it. The book I recommended will explain everything to you, better than I can. But your boyfriend could certainly become nasty if he knows you're reading it, or if you try to leave. So if you leave, and I really hope you do, go somewhere safe. Parents or refuge. This man you're with is NOT nice. He will NEVER become the person you want him to be. The first guy you met when you went out with him was an act, this is the real man you're seeing now. And know that you WILL get over this. The spell he has cast on you WILL be broken and you will see him for the waste of space he is. You are banging your head against a brick wall trying to reason with him. He knows you're right. He knows what he's doing is wrong, but he doesn't care. He wants you broken and subservient. Nice huh?Good luck and stay safe xx
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 May 2020):
 So what's next, OP?
You know this is unhealthy and detrimental to you to stay, so what is the next move?
You are not expecting too much here from him. He just have nothing to give YOU. (or he CHOOSES to not give anything).
He knows FULL well that you probably will stay or take him back if you kick him out. So he tries his best you keep you off your game.
If you can't dump him because you don't want to be alone... maybe if you think about your child? Should this guy really BE the male role-model for YOUR child?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2020): Op here-
Anon, your response is almost like you are sitting on my couch describing my life to me as you have witnessed it. I have left multiple time but I keep coming back for empty promises. I’ve never been this emotionally damaged before, I hate how he treats me and I cry all the time because I’m frustrated. He’s only happy when he’s left to do what he wants. I don’t know why but leaving this relationship is the hardest. I don’t know what the problem is but in the past I would have never dealt with all this. The original post was the most success I have ever had explaining my relationship because when we discuss things it’s almost like I have no way to explain what’s happening that makes sense. He discredits everything I say so sometimes I don’t know if I’m being irrational and he’s responding to that or what. Reading these answers from you all is heartbreaking because I don’t know how to feel about it. This is the first time I’ve explained this to someone who sees it how I do.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (7 May 2020):
 I have to agree with the other posts, i can't understand why you are with this guy.
There is absolutely nothing positive about this guy, or your relationship, its all really rather unhealthy and toxic.
Im sorry i know its hard to hear, but my advice would be to leave this relationship, i don't think things are going to get any better, he is rude, and belittles you at every chance he can.
You need to build up the courage and leave this guy, the longer you leave it the harder it will get.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (7 May 2020):
 I sense that you are too insecure to leave him. Maybe somewhere you feel you cannot do better. You feel or felt, that if you stuck around long enough, you could change him into the man you want...Right? Well here is the truth...You...no matter how hard you try, or no matter how long you wait, you cannot change a man. You can teach him how to be a better man...But change and teach are two completely separate things. You also have to meet a man who wants to better himself, in order to teach him.
You know that saying..."You can take a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink." Same concept applies. If your man does not want to change...then you have to change your man. Don't forget...You have a say of what kind of man you have in your life. No one is putting a gun to your head, and forcing you to stay with him, or any man. YOU made that choice, no one made it for you.
Question....If you go to the supermarket to buy fruits, and you see two baskets of fruits. One basket is rotten with flies all over them. The other basket has amazing fresh fruits, and smells sweet, looks juicy. Would you buy the rotten fruits, take it home, and hope it becomes sweet and juicy?? Or would buy exactly what you wanted...The sweet juicy fruit?
How is it then that you can choose a fruit that is right for you, but cannot get rid of a man that is bad for you? Which has more value? A fruit...Or your life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2020): Boy does he have it all wrapped up! An answer for everything to make you in the wrong, to make you feel as if you have to jump through hoops to get past HIS wrongdoings, but you have to change if anything is thought to be your fault.
Emotional abuse is what this is. I know that the word abuse gets bandied around a lot, but there's a reason for that...because there is so much abuse happening. It's still asd rife as ever!!
You are being emotionally abused by a man who knows exactly what he's doing. I was in three abusive relationships and what you are describing it exactly what happened to me. Everything was my fault, he ALWAYS interrupted me, he diverted any conversation where he knew he had just abused me, to how I had caused it, etc etc. There's also some gaslighting going on here I think, where he claims to be your emotional support, but is anything BUT!!
If abusive people say something to you often enough, then somehow it starts to be believed.
My abusive ex used to tell me over and over for MONTHS how he would never make me jealous, never treat me with disrespect etc etc because we used to go dancing five nights a week and lots of women liked to dance with him. He told me this SO OFTEN, that when he DID start to treat me with utter disrespect, I actually didn't believe my own eyes, because he had brainwashed me into thinking that this would never happen! Talk about playing with someone's mind! This is why your boyfriend's comment about being your emotional support when he so obviously is NOT, rings this particular bell.
Belittling you, calling you names, making you out to be stupid are all abusive tactics. This behaviour has no place in a normal, loving , supportive relationship. What would you think if a friend of yours or a sister if you have one, came to you and told you that this was what SHE was suffering from her partner? What would you think of her partner?
This constant talk about him being right and you being wrong is designed to make you question yourself. To make you lose judgement. My abusive ex used to tell me that I had said things that I hadn't, that I had done things that I hadn't. And every single thing that I was supposed to have said or done ALL had horrible motives. He used to try to make me out to be a horrible person. If anyone horrible came on the television in a drama or soap, he would smile a horrible little smile, look at me and say,'You.'
If you wish to read up about abuse, learn about abusive tactics and what they are, then please read the best book I ever read on the subject. 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It will explain to you about your boyfriend's behaviour and if you are anything like I was, then you will read the whole book with your jaw on the floor as you realise that the person who is supposed to love you, is happily destroying you.
This might sound far fetched but it isn't. If you read the book, you will understand what's happening to you. It will be empowering for you to be onto him. Don't let him know that you are reading it though. He wont like it.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 May 2020):
There's too much here to fix, you need to move on with your life without him.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 May 2020):
 I agree with Honeypie. I don't understand why you are with him. Why are you? The little bit of effort he puts forward doesn't sound like its enough for all of his shortcomings.
Why aren't you kicking him to the curb?
You ask for advice but the best advice I can give is to get rid of him. He isn't going to change and nothing you can do or say will make him do so for YOU. So why bother?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2020): You explained this very clearly and when surrounded by a tsunami of manipulative emotions this level of consciousness can be difficult to maintain.
He is effectively maintaining an attitude of male superiority in order to keep you as his workhorse.
Let's get this straight: you are under no obligation to keep him to the lifestyle standard he would like to maintain.
If the child is his then he owes you maintenance money.
You need a bit of legal and emotional help because he is acting as a stay at home dad.
He may be doing this as his final leverage to keep you where he wants you.
If the child is his he would undoubtedly go for legal custody unless he was prepared to walk away.
Maybe you could install a spy can and get his unreasonable arguments recorded.
Or you could start by telling him that name calling is a form of verbal abuse.
Do you want this man around you as he is or are you hoping he will show some amazing turn around and become less belittling.
Start by telling him every time he calls you an abusive name :don't speak to me in that abusive manner please.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (7 May 2020):
He's right when he says your feelings don't matter because to him they don't. Doesn't sound like he has any intention of changing anything about the current situation because why should he? He's living free with you (if not free then certainly not paying his fair share). If you try to discuss anything with him he bulldozes over your feelings and tries to make you feel like it's all your problem. He's right of course, because he refuses to take responsibility for anything so in the end it is your problem. He sees no problem and isn't going to change. The ball's in your court. What are you going to do about it?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2020):
What is the biggest issue here?
The fact that you BELIEVE his “Men can’t let anything slide or women lose respect for them” bullshit!
Seriously?
He has nothing REALLY to offer you. He can't chip in financially, he doesn't WANT to listen to you or be supportive, he calls you names and expect you to support his EVERY need.
It sounds toxic and you having a son that has THIS man as a role-model? it's kind of scary.
You don't think your son hears this man call you names and put you down? You don't think at some point he is going to think THIS is how a man should act around women?
What exactly do you get out of this relationship?
I can't tell you just how fast I'd pack this man's stuff and change the locks. He sounds like a total dick-weed!
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