A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend is 19 and so am i. She has had sex with seven different guys, including me, while i've only had sex with her. Ever since she told me about that, i haven't had the same respect for her and i feel like i cant see her the same way. a lot of the times she had sex were jsut isolated incidents, and it really hurts me that something i value so much was just given away to many people. What can i do? She says that things are "different" and "better" with me, but i don't really beleive that, as she's just trying to make me feel better. Should I break up with her? I don't know what to do. It isnt the number of times so much as the manner in which it happened. Please help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 This is an excellent example why couples should never share their previous sexual experiences. Look at it this way, lets say you break up with her and meet someone else who you also love and have sex with but that doesn't work out and luckily you find another person who likes you and you have sex with her but she has to go overseas and then you finally meet the person you want to marry but later find that you are not compatible then...... Does having sex with so many women before you meet miss right make you less then what you were at the beginning?I don't know what you mean by 'the manner in which it happened' and so can't make any further suggestions as this is your real sticking point. Let me guess...lets say you met two girls in a pub and had quite a few friendly drinks that led to being invited back to their place where by chance they both unexpectedly happened to sleep with you at the same time (it happens) could this be the circumstances you are talking about....and what would you do?
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 The article linked to below this is very harsh, although it does contain some grains of truth. But it seems it's not going to help you do much other than break up with her.
He is right that the primary cause of the 'double standard' is biological / genetic. And also that being told 'the past is the past' is pointless. However, we are not slaves to our biology and with some effort can overcome some of our basic instincts.
You need to decide whether you want to stay with your gf. If you a really into her and want to make the effort: then great. If not, or you have doubts that it's worth it, you're probably best off breaking up.
Once you've made up your mind, you need to break your chain of thinking. Stop think about her as some object with 'value' that has been 'damaged'. She's a human being. And stop thinking about her being 'given away', she is still whole, with nothing gone.
It's totally ok not to like her sexual past (few guy's would), but don't let that dislike, and the jealous feelings you get because of it, cause you to create false beliefs about her. Just let the bad feelings come when they come, accept them for what they are, and don't dwell on them. They'll pass, and if you can let go of them and not keep thinking about them, they'll become weaker over time.
One thing to bear in mind: I have seen that men who suffer from this tend to not get over it when they leave their partner. It easily becomes an issue in future relationships. So you have to ask yourself: are you determined to date 'chaste' women your whole life? If not, you may as well deal with these issues now, as otherwise they could follow you wherever you go and whomever you 'go' with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): Hi,
Read this article from a man's point of view about the same thing you are going through. It helped me at one point as well and I never changed my view on it.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/getting-over-your-girlfriends-sexual-history-how-i.html
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 Hun different people see it different ways.
i am like you i am waiting i guess for someone special but whether or not they've done it shouldn't let it bother you.
i mean she may regret it and feel it's more special with you then believer her.
i've spoken to people who say they do regret it but they done it they can't change that and it doesn't change whom they are it's just something they've done that they may or may not have regretted at the time but to her maybe being with you is really special maybe it's something she regrets missing out on with you but she can't do anything now it's her past and your the present and probably her future.
why let something go like this if you love her then why let her go?
surely you can get past it?
like i say everyone has different views on sleeping with someone but she says it's differend with you because you actually mean something to her maybe those times she did it with those guys weren't meaningful she just caught up in the moment.
Defainately don't break up with her because of her past that's silly.
Hope this helps :)
x ilovebowsandcherries x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): It happened before you was with her. Not after an argument. Did you say 7 or 700? Would u prefer a virgin who u later have problems with as she begins to feel like she's not lived a life and needs time to find herself? Somehow I think u want an underdog and cant handle the fact she already knows what to do without your instruction.
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A
male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (21 July 2009):
Is your relationship open or exclusive? If the 2 of you are exclusive to each other, then you are dwelling on her past. The past is the past, you should be enjoying the present with her. We all view sex differently. But I would say if her sexual past truly bothers you, then you should move on now.good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): Of course people will tell you that you're being insecure. They're wrong. You seem to sense something about yourself - that the issue is not the number of guys she's had or even who they were, but rather the circumstances. This is a huge difference. The sticking point is that you would probably never have done the same thing that she did if you were in her place. This is a core difference in values and the way you treat your own sexuality. I can't tell you what do do now except don't judge her for it. If you can't keep giving her the same respect that you'd give another girl then the most grown-up thing you could do is just break up with her. You've got the right to date someone who shares your view of sexuality/morality. If this girl doesn't share it, then don't get guilt-tripped into staying with her and trying to accept this part of her personality that does not match yours.
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