A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a fairly simple question. I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 months and I love him. He is older than me and 5 years ago he was engaged. They ended up not getting married because she wasn't ready to give up her life of partying, as he says. They haven't spoken in 5 years but sometimes when she comes up in conversation it bothers me to no end that he was once engaged. Is this normal or am I being over dramatic? Feel free to be blunt!
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female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (21 December 2010):
 My OT has been married, engaged and is still in contact with both of them now and again. There is no problem because these relationships are in his past. You just have to move past it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Hi. I'm a bit older than you, but I understand your feelings. My boyfriend has been engaged twice. It's difficult to not compare yourself with this woman who was formerly in his life. Both of his engagements happened after only a year. He and I have been together a year and a half now and I find myself wondering what made him want to marry those women and not marry me. It's a silly thought though. He's with me now and he loves me and we'll get engaged when the time is right. We've all had people that we thought would be in our lives forever and that's just not always the case. Your boyfriend was dating someone and thought she was the one he would spend his life with. He was obviously wrong, so it ended and he moved on and found you. I find the best way to enjoy a relationship is to just let the past go and live in the now.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 December 2010):
 I am not sure what part about him being engaged before bothers you? This is how I look at engagements - basically you agree to spend the rest of your life with that person, typically the guy gets down on one knee and because she is 'the one' asks her to spend the rest of her life with him. Then (normally!) she says yes, and they are engaged. So in my eyes - being engaged is pretty much the exact same as being married, just without the party and the piece of paper to prove it. It is like a verbal agreement before the written agreement, so to speak.
Therefore I know, personally, I will only ever get engaged once - because I have to be 110% certain that this is the man I will spend the rest of my life with and there will be no-one else, ever again. You only get engaged once, and only get married once in my opinion!
So I can understand why it bothers you - it would bother me too! Because I value marriage so highly, and take it so seriously, it would bother me that my new partner could just let a relationship go and not work at it. Because (in my eyes) a marriage is the same as an engagement, it is like dating a divorced guy.
And the other obvious reason - that this girl was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. That would bother anyone, regardless of how secure or insecure they are. Now I have in the past thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone, and may have expressed those feelings to the other person - but I have always made sure that I have never allowed it to get close to engagement, because I know I have never been ready for that. If I agree to marry someone, then that is it for me.
So of course it will bother you that he loved her so much to propose, and that if she had been more mature then she would have been his wife. That is a hard fact to deal with, I guess it is just up to you to decide if he is worth it.
I know I would never be able to date a guy who had been engaged or married before - I would never be able to feel like I am the person that they were meant to be with, their 'one' (horribly cheesy I know but only way I could describe it). I dont want to be second choice - I want to be the right girl for him.
But this is just me and my personal opinion - I do take marriage very seriously, far more than many people my age (I am 23) so I dont expect you to take the smame view as me! I think serious, long term relationships are fine and they never bother me at all - because I know that while they may have had those thoughts that maybe this is the 'one' for them, when it came down to it something didnt work out and they realised that taking it to a more serious level would not work.
So I guess it is up to you - if he is a really great guy, you love him, he loves you, you make each other very happy etc then it would be silly to throw it away just because of a past relationship. But then again, if it goes against your values and beliefs, and it is just not something you can accept - then there is nothing wrong with you if you choose not to be with him.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Grow Up... 99% of the planet will not be your "first" in some category. You need to enjoy people in your life for who they are, and not try to force them to be who they are not.
Do this guy a favor and break up with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): How can you be resentful of something he did before he ever met you? You're not making any sense.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Jealously is a real deal breaker in a relationship or a marriage. Being jealous is an insult to the partner. Sometimes justified if one partner has left their partner for another, leaving the other partner alone.
But if you are in a loving trusting happy relationship, where he has professed his love, then jealousy can destroy all the good you have. Eating into a good relationship like a cancer.
Jealousy that is irrational is such a wasted emotion, and a passion killer.
Why waste the time you could be spending loving your partner.
Do you trust your partner will be true to his word and remain faithful?
'yes' you may say.
But jealousy is refuting that 'yes' and casting doubt on your belief in your partner's long term commitment to you.
Why does it 'bother' you that he was once engaged? That relationship was not meant to be. Do you think she will waltz back into his life and bewitch him? Surely you have more faith in your existing relationship? After all he loves you enough to propose an engagement. Put your trust and faith in him, and reap the benefits.
Jealousy can even drive a loving partner away.
He would still be with the first girl if he really loved her more than he loves you.
It's time you realised that Potentially your jealousy could turn a good thing sour.
I find myself briefly thinking of my late husband, on occasions, even though he has been deceased a long time. Though he is never in my thoughts as much as my husband. I still have both the earlier and the current marriage pictures on display. my deceased husband was a part of my life. One of the reasons i love my husband is that right from the start he made it clear that both pictures, the first one, and our more recent marriage picture should be displayed. And he made it clear early on that he
understood that both he and my first husband are (present tense) a part of my life.
And I've met a woman he once liked, and believe me she is gorgeous and I think she is much better looking than me. But from the open loving way he introduced me to her and her husband it was clear that my husband only has eyes for me. So end of story. She could be Miss World but from the way I am treated, looked at, spoken to, I know he loves me. What a wonderful loving man that he is not threatened in any way by my first husband.
And he loves that jealousy is not part of my genes either.
We can discuss anything, and for me, and for me, that's perfect.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 This is not correct. He was living his life as he should. Now he has moved on.
See it this way: if you had been engaged five years ago, would you want him to say "Hey, I resent the fact that she was engaged?".
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 December 2010):
 I was engaged twice. Once, it was to a guy who turned out to NOT be a good catch whatsoever. The second time, it was to the man I eventually married.
That's actually a really good quality in your man to recognize that he shouldn't get married to this girl if she was immature. They haven't spoken in 5 years - another very good sign.
As for her coming up in conversation, it would depend on what the conversation was or the context of it. If he's comparing you to her, that should be stopped immediately. If he mentions not liking Spandau Ballet because his ex-fiance used to sing True off-key in the shower, then you've got nothing to worry about. If he's talking about her constantly and everything is reminding him of her, that's one thing. If he mentions her in passing while remembering another memory, it's another.
I'd say relax on this one. Just because he was engaged once before is meaningless, and it's a good thing he didn't marry her. He also is NOT still in contact with her. He's with you, and he loves you.
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