A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My co-worker and I been working in the same dept. for a long time. We get along ok all these years and I consider her a friend at work. Few months ago, she made a "very offensive" comment about me to other colleague. I was very upset and offended by that. I was hurt because I felt that she has betrayed me. Few days later, she apologized to me and I accepted her apology because we work in the same dept. and see each other everyday. I don't like to have conflict in a work place. Since the incident, I've been keeping a distance from her, I don't talk to her unless she initiates the conversation. Otherwise, our conversation will be strictly professional. Anyway, make the long story short, her birthday is coming up soon. My other co-worker (whom I also am a friend to) asked me about taking her out for her birthday lunch (we do that every year). I haven't answered her yet. But I don't feel like going, I feel that my friendship with her have drifted apart since that time. I hate to say that but I don't think I like to be friend with her anymore. I now only consider her as another colleague at work. I really don't want to go to her birthday lunch as I would feel awkward and I don't want to be so fake and pretend that I'm still her friend. If I don't go, she would probably be upset. She is a very sensitive. What is the best way to deal with this situation ? Should I go ? Need some help and advice on the best way to say "no" and not going to the lunch ? Thanks
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 Don't go. There's nothing worse than someone who attends your birthday lunch out of guilt or peer pressure. If she gets upset so what? She didn't hesitate to upset you with her comment. She'll get over it. Maybe she'll learn to keep rude comments to herself if she wants her friendships to last.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2012): I would treat this more as a professional problem than a personal problem. It seems you've made up your mind that you don't want to be friends with her...so I don't think her sensitivities are something to fret over.
All that said, if not going will make your work life difficult, then I think you should go. Treat it like any other office social gathering that you have to grin and bear.
If it's a purely social function, you just have to say you're busy.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 You need to determine how much this get-together is a "work" event versus a "personal" event....
IF it's mostly the former, then put your hatchet in its holster, swallow hard and go along....
IF it's largely the latter... then find a convenient (and PLAUSIBLE!) excuse to NOT attend....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 Just tell your friend that you would not be comfortable taking your co-worker to lunch because you are not comfortable with her because of whatever happened between the two of you. You cannot be fake and try to please someone just because its their birthday! As regards your co-worker being upset, I don't thin that should be an issue here because she's the one who was offensive towards you and she should realize that while she may have apologized, its not that easy for you to just forget everything. You are just colleagues now, not friends and I'm pretty sure she realizes that too.
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A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (11 August 2012):
 Yea, these situations are never easy but, have the courage of your convictions and make an excuse why you can't go. Personally, I'd say I have an appointment at the bank/ dentist/ opticians/ and it doesn't matter if she thinks you're lying - at least she'll get the message, albeit conveyed in a suble-ish way.
And as for her being sensitive, did she consider YOUR feelings when she made that offensive comment?
I'm not saying two wrongs make a right, it's just a matter of principle.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 You have three choices, either suck it up and go along for lunch pretending all is hunky dory or secondly, you can front up to the friend and tell her you are not comfortable going for lunch, or you can approach the one who made the offensive remark, and let her know the third person is trying to organise lunch and you aren't really wanting to go, and that, despite accepting her apology you are still letting it affect you and you are worried about feeling awkward at lunch.
You never know, she may be feeling just as awkward as you, and although your friendship is unlikely to revert back to what it once was, there is a chance that with clearing the air you can both forge something new. I hope so, and hope you can find the courage to try for option three. Nothing ventured is nothing gained!
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