A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, please advise. I moved to a difficult foreign country to be with my husband, sacrificing all my family, friends and life that I knew (even my religion) because I loved him, believing in my innocence that love conquers all. Because of the uncertainty of where we would live, I never bothered to learn the language fully and really struggled to pick it up, making life very difficult in a country that doesn't speak English. I had a child to him two years ago.When we moved we were supposed to return to my home country in a few years but my husband found work that he would never have found in my home country (we were really struggling in my home country). He told me only recently that he wanted to stay here permanently, which I understand as he couldn't provide for us in my homeland (he has a special job) but it was a shock because I was left in a situation that I felt cheated, like, oh no what did I do...My husband is a very straight man and constantly fights with his family. He shares his fights with me on a daily basis because it hurts him, making me involved, in turn affecting me in a big way. When I married him, I thought "I don't have a family or friends but at least I have an amazing family on my husbands side that love me very much" - I don't have this anymore because everyone is fighting with each other - in the mean time by child is growing up without an extended family, in an isolated environment. This seems to be one of the biggest issues for us in our relationship.Sometimes I feel like I am stuck on a deserted island, I can go days without communicating with anyone. I wish I could be more independent and change my life but I feel like I am in a hole that I can't get out of, I have no one to advise me or to talk to.My husband is an amazing man who respects me so much. We love each other and are best friends. But is this enough? Because of the isolation we have no friends, because of my husbands constant daily fighting with his family I have no family (and constant fights), because of my uncertainty to live in a country that I do not want to live in, I do not speak the language.I decided sadly that I don't want to bring another child into this world. Is it enough to just have an amazing husband and child with no one else in your life? No friends? No family? Should we go back to my home country and struggle and be poor? or live an empty life and be wealthy? Or should I just accept that I have no friends and family and live with my decisions that I made? I feel like one day I may fall apart. I feel like one day I may really regret my decisions I made and that I need to do something fast. I feel like I made a mistake to bring a child into this world of ours. But I almost always blame myself for this mess.Please advise.
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, flowergirl11  +, writes (31 May 2012):
I'm in a similar situation - did you ever resolve this, one year later ?
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (17 April 2011):
 Well, I think this:
- You should recognise the love you have with your husband as an amazing thing - you are very very lucky to be in such a good relationship - so many people don't ever manage to find or achieve this - so do try to appreciate this for the great thing that it is.
- Following on from that, actually, it can be enough in your life - if you build your own family. I have to say I don't agree that you shouldn't have another child - I actually think you should, because then you are building your own family foundation. You say that because you have no family of your own, and your husband fights with his family, that you have no family at all - but what about your husband and your child ? They are your family. For a lot of people, that becomes their world, and is enough for them. And, as I say, the beauty is that you have the power and choice to grow that embryonic family into something really strong and actually involving lots of people. The more children you have, the more people you have around you to love and to love you - the more family you have. It sounds like you crave this, so having no more children is almost the worst thing you can do, as then you also deprive your child of the great joy and companionship of having a sibling. To be honest, I think having more children is the single best thing you could do.
- The next thing is to accept that your husband wants to be able to support you and your child, and that being in his country is the best place at the moment for him to do this. You promised to be with him. So be with him. And you really should start to learn the language. You surely feel isolated also because of this language issue - so don't - this is a simple thing to fix - learn the language - participate in the life - be part of the culture of your husband.
I am advising you do the very things you think you don't want to do - but I sense that the decision about children is some kind of display of your own desperation and despair at the isolation you feel - and actually, it is counterproductive for you. I also think your refusal to learn the language is another protest from you - but you need to stop protesting, and start thinking clearly about what you have, who you have, and what they need from you. Both your husband and child need a family with a happy wife/mother, and who is working together with them to build their lives.
Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but I think you need to snap out of your sense of dissatisfaction and focus on what you can do. And so what if you don't have his family? Make your own. And also if you make an effort with the language, you will be able to broaden your net of friends - make new friends - fill your life with people you choose to be close to - not just those who are there because related to your husband. Make friends, make your family. It is all possible, because you have the two huge advantages of a great relationship and the ability to have children. That is so much more than lots of people have. Feel lucky - you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 April 2011):
 Must your husband fight with his family? Maybe this is what they do because they want to continue this script, as if they don't know any other way to relate. He should distance himself from them and let another family member fight with them.
I feel the greatest lesson you can give to your child is to tell him/her that you have the strength to withstand or avoid any adversity in life, and to be self sufficient. There has got to be positive aspects of the culture in that country.
I live in my hometown although with no family or friends here. My hobbies are kind of boring to most people. I take joy in the simplest things. Be thankful and appreciative, then your husband might think it's wiser to spend time with you and your child, than fighting with his family. Learn the new language with your child. As you become more proficient in your new language you will find less reluctance staying there.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): First off, you will feel less alone if you can communicate. Take some classes on how to learn the language, get Rosetta Stone in the language and work on it on your own, enroll your child in a mommy and me preschool. But learn enough of the language that you can communicate.Second, get out! Like I said above, join a mommy and me precschool. What are your interests? Hobbies? Join a group or club. Volunteer. Join a club where people are trying to learn YOUR language.Third, does your husband know how you feel? Communication is the number one thing in any relationship. Do some of the above things WITH your husband. Join a religious group. Join a club about a shared interest of you and your husband. Good luck to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, macdubh712  +, writes (16 April 2011):
You hit the nail on the head when you said "I feel like one day I may fall apart." Indeed you will, if this continues. First, hats off to you for taking a leap of faith like that; MOST people in the world would not have the cojones to do what you did. Call it what you will but that took courage and you had it. Now, you articulate well how alone and isolated you feel because of being in a country that is foreign to you as well as your husband's family scruples. This is unfortunate. Personally, it sounds like you and your husband both have a lot on your plate but I suggest have heart to heart talk about your family's situation and well being. You say if you live in your home country you will be poor but if you live where you are, your family will be provided for but the mental well being of you and your husband would be at risk. Neatly trapped; I hate having my back against the wall. I think maybe perhaps you should talk with your husband about these things. Perhaps you two should look into other countries where you, your husband, and your child can all get a fresh start while at the same time maintaining at least a decent quality of life. Sometimes, when you undertake a complete change, after you get over the initial shock you start to feel very positive, almost a high. I think this feeling is something you both need to feel. Love can endure almost anything as long as you are there for each other, turn to each other, and always support each other when times get very rough. Make sure you stress to your husband how important this is that you talk about it. I hope I have been at least some help and I wish you luck.
...............................
|
