A
female
age
51-59,
*iao
writes:My husband never invites me out on the weekends. I love to go out and have fun. I have expressed to him that we need to keep the relationship alive by dating at least once weekly or once every two weeks. I would feel so special if he would invite me to the movies, dinner or anywhere just so we could be out together living life and having fun. Weekend after weekend I wait to see if he will invite me out but he never does. Whenever we go out, I must do all the planning. Sometimes he doesn't want to go, and sometimes when he goes, he's quiet and makes the atmosphere unpleasant. It's making me fell very unhappy and unappreciated. Whenever I go on vacations, I go with my girlfriend because he doesn't want to go. I go just about everywhere by myself - to the gym, movies, church. The few times he went to my company hliday party, but he sat there and never socialized with anyone - it's very embarrassing and painful. The communication between us is very poor. I always have to initiate conversation about us - but he isn't particulary interested to talk about our issues. When he initiates conersation, it's about other people, not about us. He works 6 days a week - he normally leaves the house around 7am and returns around 6:30pm. He watches TV until about 9:30pm then goes to sleep which leaves us with little time to interact. Is this normal for a marriage? Please advise. thx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (17 April 2011):
 And that's why we're here for you.Be happy, turn up the music.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): Thanks Natasia, Cupidus, Eddie85 and Zoobie for all the responses. It really helps toget feedback from a third party. I was feeling so horrible today, but I feel so much better now.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (17 April 2011):
 I'm afraid it sounds like the sort of uncommunicative groove that a certain type of man gets into. I think this is a definite syndrome, and it is a male tendency to like peace and quiet in his home and just be able to exist, without any interference. I am not of course saying all men are like this, but what you describe isn't uncommon.
For a woman, of course, this kind of silent treatment and passivity/lack of interest/lack of feedback and communication is at best highly aggravating, and at worst deeply depressing and affecting. It can drain all joy and meaning out of your days, and is also very frustrating. It is almost the worst thing to do to a woman - not to talk to her.
So, it isn't atypical, but it is a very unfortunate situation for you. (Your husband, on the other hand, would probably say he is perfectly happy...) I'm afraid I think your only option is to pursue your life as you do, on your own, just sleeping in bed next to him and accepting that as all he can give, or, to break out of it and be on your own totally, and hope to find someone different. I suspect you won't be able to change your husband's ways. Well, I'm pretty certain of it.
So, you keep him how he is and don't blame him for it, or you strike out on your own.
Depends how much you love him. I might be tempted to keep him, but develop your independent life to the full. I say I would keep him because you did marry him, and what he is doing isn't deliberate meanness - it is just him staying in his comfort zone.
But then again, I am too nice!
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A
female
reader, cupidus +, writes (16 April 2011):
He may be having a mid life crisis, men don't realize it like women realize menopause. You'll have to get that subject on the table. Also it may appear he is selfish, but are you planning things you'd both like to do or what you'd like to do?How about fishing? Does he like fishing?How about a car show, I love them, does he?How about short flings, lunch in the park.He may be feeling unappreciated as do you. When he comes home from what may seem to him like a day of hassles and monotony he just wants to turn that world off. He may have zero energy to turn another one on. Not letting him off the hook, but maybe if you discuss his day and he talks it off he might be more in the position to feel appreciated and then show appreciation towards you.He's in a rut as are you. Ruts usually get very selfish and turned inwards. You could start by not thinking so much about your happiness rather than OUR happiness.Jump on the sofa when he gets home with a box of popcorn, see how long it takes for him to notice that there is a hold in the bottom. It's the little creative things not the Marquee that builds interest and excitement.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 April 2011):
 For some people, this is a normal way of life, but I wouldn't call it a very happy existence -- at least I don't think it sounds like one for you.
The source of his problem could be his workload. Does he really have to work that much or is it that he is a work-a-holic? Some men use work as an escape to get away from home and other obligations. Also, for some men, it is a self-esteem booster to know that they are strong workers.
It also sounds like you and him have gotten into a routine. He is comfortable with you doing your thing and him doing his.
If you want him to be a part of your life, why not find some sort of middle ground that you both enjoy doing. Why not watch TV with him? Go for a walk together?
Surely there must be something that he does that you might be interested in joining him in. I could see him being dour at your company party -- sometimes it is hard to for people to be social in a group that they don't know, so give the man a little bit of a break if he is a social butterfly.
If this isn't the case, perhaps you need to accept things the way they are or consider going into couple's counseling to see how to reconnect with one another. I am sure at one point in your marriage you shared similar interests. Also, if you haven't done so already, you should talk to him and explain your feelings and work on doing something fun together.
Good luck and be patient!
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A
female
reader, zoobie +, writes (16 April 2011):
just because you're married does not mean the 'courting' should stop, it keeps the relationship alive and interesting. maybe suggest he book some time off at work and go on a mini break together some place you'll both enjoy- don't forget the sexy undies! Explain that whilst you appreciate all the hours he works at his job, he also needs to work on the relationship as well! maybe go to your local travel agents and pick up a few brochures and take a look together. all the best.
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