A
female
age
,
*ngela T
writes:I just found out my husband of 23 years, who has not had relations with me by his own accord for 12 years, more than half of my marriage, has been registered on gay and swinger websites. I found out all this on my own and have filed for divorce. He does not want the divorce and states he has never been unfaithful to me but he has admitted to going to men's residences and masturbating in front of them. He also placed naked pictures of himself on both of these websites with explicit profiles. When I would ask if he missed being intimate with me he stated we were getting older and he looked to other interests but he also dropped hints that it was my fault he wasn't intimate with me because of my hysterectomy and he was afraid of hurting me. I told him I felt fine and needed to be one with him but that fell by the wayside to my dismay. Our first ten years sexually was very good however he looked more to his satisfaction than mine now that I think about it.He has always been flirtatious with women which has always bothered me. However he states he never cheated on me and never looked to mother women but I found pictures of naked woman on his computer.I am completely distraught and stunned why he went to at least three mens' homes to masturbate. Once again he says that this isn't really cheating and I am making too much of it. Isn't this cheating? Is it possible he is bi? Please help me to understand what in the world is going on.
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female
reader, Angela T +, writes (7 February 2017):
Angela T is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Female reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017)
Wow....Thank you for your shocking truth. My daughter accesses the situation as you but to hear it from someone who is not related is a real eye-opener. Yes, everything you say is very true. I am so heart-broken, distraught, numb, humiliated, and down-trodden. I guess at my age, 69, I am more scared to start life over again but I know I do NOT want to continue my twilight years with him.
I want to enjoy my daughter and grandson, but most importantly, I want to enjoy ME!
Thank you..... And God Bless. Angela
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 February 2017):
 You are correct, off course it is cheating. He knows deep down he is in the wrong but he does not want to admit it. It does sound like he is bisexual, or at worst an in closet gay. If he does not show you any passion anymore then I would be afraid that he maybe more attracted to men than women. But I could be wrong.
I do think you are right to file for divorce, I mean I could never see how you would be able to trust this man again in the future. He is a liar and a cheat by the sounds off it.
This must be very difficult for you to come to terms with. Your whole life has been turned upside down. But it will get easier for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): I am deeply sorry you are going through this. There is nothing worse. How shocking to find this out. I am sure you are going through all kinds of emotions and pain at the moment. :( Nobody should ever have to go through THIS.Yes, he has been cheating. There is not a single doubt about that. I would not be so sure he only went into men's homes to masturbate either. That is what he TOLD you to SOFTEN the blow. Likely, there was a lot more going on. That is guarantee you. Probably a swinger's party of some sort, all men or men and women. You will never know for sure. But if you really think about it, if men are that horny and watching each other masturbate, do you think it would stop at just masturbating? I don't. It was a full blown swinger's party. He led the lifestyle. He was registered on swinger's web sites for a reason.Many swinger's parties do take place in private homes as well as clubs. So, in all likelihood, the men's houses he masturbated in were men who were hosting swinger's parties. AND there is NO WAY in all his years of cheating that he ONLY went to 3 HOUSES! Absolutely NO WAY! The numbers are much higher than he would lead you to believe. For obvious reasons. He has been leading a double life, and a full blow swinger's lifestyle behind your back. Please do not cushion it for yourself. Who knows how many men (women) he has slept with? It seems to me your husband has some severe sexual addiction problems. You need to know and face the cold, hard facts. You deserve the brutal truth. Why? Because you NEED to know the level of hurt and betrayal he has laid upon you. You need to know what kind of a man he is. You need to HATE him for what he did. And this hate will lead you in the right direction. To leave him behind without a second thought. I would be truly disgusted and honestly, I would be numb. I never knew this person at all. Not only that he was capable but that he did it for so long without giving one fuck about breaking your heart. It is the most selfish thing anyone could do to another human being who LOVES them. But it is now time for his punishment. Losing you. Leave him to his life. He is going to keep doing it. Will he be happy? I don't think so. Seeking hits of euphoria to self medicate don't last long. Until the next hit. And then that isn't good enough. The demons he has will always lie within him. And someday he is going to be a very lonely and bitter old man. He just doesn't see that now.He is a liar and a cheater. And even once you have found out, he is trying to down play. Even then, he cannot take responsibility for his actions! I would not believe one word he says. He alienated affection from you. Let you suffer in loneliness and aloneness while he went out and got his jollies! I would resent the hell out of him!!! Wish he would have told you!! At least given you the opportunity for FAIR PLAY. So, that you could have done the very same thing as he did if you so chose.He is cheating. He is bi. He is a liar. He is a deceiver. He is a swinger. He is a pig. He is not a good man. Is this enough to tell you what you already know?Time to divorce this asshole!You are too good for him!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 February 2017):
 Aw sweetie...I am sorry. This has to be absolutely miserable for you! My last marriage my husband didn't touch me for 2 years (alcoholic) and it was more than I could take when he wouldn't get help so I ended things. 12 years??? I can't even imagine how sad and lonely you must be. His excuse of a hysterectomy is ridiculous. If I were you, I'd cut the cord and move on. That is FAR too long to go without love and affection/attention.
He says he hasn't "cheated" but depriving you of attention while he shows his body off to others? Well what the heck does he think that is?? Its cheating in my book. I am not an expert but I'd say he's bisexual. He shut the door on your relationship a long time ago and you need far more than what he can/will give to you.
Get the divorce and learn to be happy again. You deserve it. I'm so sorry. It won't be easy but you can do it. You haven't had a marriage in 12 years so why stay? I wish you all the best sweetie. Mourn and move on to happier times.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 February 2017):
 I'm so sorry OP, this can't be a nice thing to find out.
Can you live on your own? Can you financially take care of yourself without him? DO you want to live on your own?
I would still "classify" this as cheating. If he had ASKED you before hand if you were OK with it and you had agreed it wouldn't be cheating, but he has been going behind your back doing all these things.
Why is he doing it? Well, my guess is either HE truly feels it's not cheating because they don't have sex, and he chooses to go to MEN'S houses because he thinks you wouldn't be jealous of that - but you would be if he went to a woman's house.
However, swinger sites? THAT is not just for men.
It's not the hysterectomy it's him wanting the kind of sex he KNEW you weren't into such as swinger etc.
So REGARDLESS of his behavior, YOU have to decide if you can live with it or no longer want to share a life with him and complete that divorce. It's NOT up to him whether you divorce or not. THAT is up to you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 February 2017):
 Sending hugs. An awfully painful situation to be in. It is irrelevant that your husband says this behaviour it not cheating if YOU see it as cheating. The most important factor is that his current behaviour is replacing the physical relationship you two had, leaving YOU with nothing. He has not shown sexual interest in your for 12 years but gets his thrills from contact with men. (For the record, I believe he is playing down the amount and type of contact but that is probably irrelevant as well.)His sexuality is also irrelevant. I believe it IS possible to be bi-sexual, but that is no excuse for cheating on your partner. What is important is that he is getting his sexual thrills outside of your marriage, while you are starved of physical affection. It would be no different if he was doing this with another woman. In your shoes I would be definitely filing for that divorce. I feel that, once the divorce has been finalised, he will probably be more open about what he has REALLY been up to for 12 years (3 contacts in 12 years? Really?). It will probably be best for you not to know and just to move on with your life. Sending more hugs. Good luck. I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be devastating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): Hi,
Yes, it does very much sound like he is bi-sexual. Hence his interest in the same sex started to dominate in the last 12 years of your marriage, and his interest in sex with you dwindled.
Yes, masturbating for other men to watch would certainly be a form of cheating to most people. The pictures of naked women at least prove that he is bi and not gay. So, now you have a big choice to make- forgive or leave.
The fact that he actually registered on websites that are basically designed for cheaters would really bother me, making it almost less excusable than a simply "caught up in the moment" affair.
Honestly I would probably leave him, but this is going to be your decision as I am sure there are many aspects to weigh.
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