A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I broke up with a very long term partner - nearly two decades a few months ago - and at first I found it really difficult because we had become co-dependent. We want to remain friends because we have such a long history together and although it is hard we think in the long run that will be an 'investment' for life. So normally I see him at least once a week - he comes to help with things in my flat and we have dinner...usually he will stay over but definitely we don't sleep together.My ex was/is a binge drinker and this really took its toll on my health. So I am having to rebuild my life. One thing that I have noticed, however, is that I don't feel deeply "connected" to anyone and I wondered if this is normal? I see friends but I don't feel particularly close to them, and am aware that I am spending time with them in order to "take the edge off" being alone and to kind of "practice" getting on with my life. Funnily enough although this might sound like I am using them, I at times get frustrated because even during my break up and afterwards I have found that I am often the one ending up discussing THEIR relationship with their partners or their problems in other areas of their life. This has been a problem in the past, so I am making an effort to try to speak up about my situation. They do talk with me about my break up and they do care I guess, and reassure me that I can call them anytime and so on which is great...but I feel like no-one really "gets" me...but I suppose being co-dependent I had become much more used to a deep "bond" with someone...and I'm aware that I miss it and can only really relax when I see my ex...I don't want to get back with him due to his drinking and other issues, but I guess I am confused about how deep friendships should normally go and how much should be "in reserve" for a potential partner...can anyone reassure me that what I am feeling is just normal and that I will adjust over time?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): I see nothing wrong with you being friends with your ex. I think it's a very mature approach. I went out with my ex for three years and we stayed friends (admittedly after we had a no contact rule for 3 months as it was just too painful). It was a bit weird at first when he met his new girlfriend (now wife) but within 2 years I had met someone else. Fast forward another 4.5 years and my partner and I got married and my ex even gave a reading at the wedding! I still love him but only as a friend. My husband and my ex get on very well. I would have found it very difficult, unnatural and unnecessary to cut my ex out of my life. Listen to your heart and do what you need to do to get through this difficult time xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): Hello, thank you for taking the time to answer, I really appreciate it. I think that what you are saying in regard to me seeing my ex is right, but it is also difficult for me to accept...to all intents and purposes I have no family and so the number of people that I feel very close to is very limited...this was how I became dependent on my ex in the first place and I realise it is not healthy. If I think that I won't see him once a week and have to rely on seeing only my friends I already feel quite desparate! I guess I just have to confront that.We do meet once a week and he does help with small things in my flat, but this is mainly because my health has been so bad for a number of years. Whenever we arrange to meet I have a feeling inside myself that it is wrong - deep down - but then as I begin to spend time with him I enjoy his company - and then he goes and I am left feeling sad for a day or so afterwards. You are right to say that we should stop contact. However, I think that I needed this time of slowly letting go because I was just so traumatised in the beginning that I could not function and stopped eating - I've had an awful lot of grief in my life so far and this at first felt like a death. With time it has become slowly easier to be apart from him. I guess I am just lonely and not having my health means that I can't work in a job at the moment, so I am not able to get out and about much and meet people - also I am lonely but not that interested in people either, which is a complete contradiction I know.But you are right. I should cut contact for a while and see this as a necessary step to moving on and ahead. This will be so hard, but I will take your advice. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 December 2011):
 What you are feeling is completely normal - a partner often becomes a best friend and is the only person who really gets you, so when you break up you miss that and it is sometimes frustrating that your other friends, who you never needed to 'get you' when you had your partner, still dont get you so it feels like no-one in the world gets you and the only person who does is estranged.
BUT what is not normal is this so called 'friendship' you have with your ex. This is not healthy, not normal and is not going to help you adjust in time - it is only going to hold you back.
You are basically continuing your relationship with him (yes its only once a week but it is regular contact) and you are justifying it by not sleeping together. Just because there is no sex doesnt mean its not a relationship!
You said yourself, he comes to help with things in the flat (this means you are still dependent on him for certain things) and you have dinner (i.e. a date to the rest of the world) and he sleeps over. So he is there in the morning when you wake up, albeit not in the same bed.
This is still a relationship, you have not begun the process of moving on and you never will if you carry on like this.
I can understand wanting to be friends because you have been through a lot together, but right now you have to stop seeing each other otherwise neither of you will be able to begin the process of rebuilding your lives. Friendship can come later if you still want it, but for a few months at least you need to not see each other AT ALL in order for you to start moving on.
This is what I did with one of my ex's - we went through a lot together so neither of us wanted to lose touch, but there was a lot of hurt at the end of the relationship and we needed time and space to get over that before we could build a friendship.
I strongly advise that for a minimum of 3 months you stop seeing your ex, and dont contact him either. You need this period to reflect and to heal, to learn to be alone and to come to terms with the break-up. Currently your ex is still around so nothing feels to terrible, you are in limbo between your past relationship and your future. The longer you stay in limbo the more you will get used to it and it will become the norm, and you will never take those steps to rebuilding your life.
Take the time out to be alone, be properly single and grieve for the loss of your relationship. This time is crucial in order to heal, you will never move on if you dont have these few months of no contact. Once those months have passed, and if you still feel like being friends is the right thing to do - then get back in touch.
But all this seeing each other nonsense has to stop. You are not together anymore, you cant rely on him any longer and you have to become self sufficient. You are propping each other up and that is not healthy, the only thing that has changed since you were together is the frequency you see each other and not having sex anymore - that hardly counts as a break-up. Cut the cord once and for all, and then if it is still the right thing to do to be friends in a few months that is fine - but right now friendship cant happen until you stop being so dependent on him and having this half relationship going on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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