A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Cupid, I am a 46 year old heterosexual female and have been in a relationship with a man for 2years. I recently found some gay porn and photo's of young boys having sex on his computer. When I confronted him about this he denied it straight away, said he'd been looking at porn but the gay stuff just flashes up. I knew he was lying and told him so. After a while he admitted it, said he'd had a gay experience when he was younger and was just curious, it doesn't mean he's gay and that he loves me.I'm not sure how to deal with this, he smokes a lot of weed and blames stress when we don't have sex. We live in separate houses and only see each other at weekends so I was blaming myself, thinking up ways of winning him back, using toys, getting dressed up etc. Now I am very confused, he swears it was only curiosity and he will never do it again. I told him if it turns you on why stop? I'll watch it with him. I don't have a problem with it just don't lie to me. He just keeps telling me he's embarassed and won't do it again which makes me more suspicious. I think he's in denial of being bi and he won't admit it for fear of me telling his family and friends. They all think he likes women, he's always been a poser, eyeing up women even when he's with me. I don't know what to do, please help.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks everyone for the responses. I neglected to add that he's admitted more than one gay experience and the young boys in the photo's (the same two boys in each pic by the way) are obviously past puberty (they have erections) but they look early teens, he is 59 years old.
He has had time to delete everything and is now denying even looking at them, he says they just flashed up when he was looking at the women on the porn site....they wouldn't stay in his history if they had just "flashed up".
A friend once said, if your head is making you doubt your heart then always listen to your head.
I have had time to think about this and realise he cannot be honest with me now, so he never will. I will always be suspicious so I think we should just remain friends.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Since you have not expressed any concern about paedophilia, I'm going to assume that by 'young boys' you mean young men, of legal age.
Watching gay porn is not proof that one is gay. Many people watch it, despite not being romantially attracted to members of the same gender. This question has been addressed before, so go through the site and see if any of those posts can help put your mind at ease.
Even if he is bisexual, he has got to accept this on his terms and at his own pace. And it does not mean he's going to cheat. This kind of thing will affect how he sees himself and how others relate to him. And he has every reason to be afraid. Coming out doesn't always work out for people and it's far from rare for a spiteful ex to share dirty secrets about a former lover.
If he isn't ready to admit to being bisexual (assuming he even is) then he certainly isn't ready to have you sit and watch him get off on gay porn. If you don't mind him doing it then why make an issue of it?
The problem here, as I see it, is you're making this all about you. You're assuming you've done something wrong and that you have the power to fix it. I think if you hang back and let him sort this out himself, he will feel more comfortable with you and may even open up about it (if there is anything to open up about).
That said, don't put your life on hold waiting for him. If you're not getting what you need from the relationship and you don't foresee any improvements in the near enough future, you'll have to make some decisions of your own.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): Agreed about the kiddie porn. His pornography habits are so far gone, its now acceptable to have kiddie porn? Thats not good and has been linked to sexual predators of the underaged. That alone could land his backside in jail. At least in Canada.
Its possible he may be Bi Sexual. You dated this man for years and have a better read on him.
If you are having issues in the bedroom- its a flag but may not have anything to do with his sexual orientation.
Either way. You are unhappy. The intimacy and honesty of the relationship is being questioned.
Could you accept BF if he was Bisexual? Are you worried about fidelity? To some women, pornography is a form of emotional cheating in that BF needs the visual aid of other women and/or men to sexually excite him. To the point that even a real life sexual experience isn't as exciting as the images of online porn. He may just have a porn addiction.
The best way to address your concerns and figure it all out, couples counselling. This way all of the concerns and issues raised will be addressed.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 just because a man had ONE homosexual experience when he was young and he watches gay porn does not make him bisexual.
I'd be more concerned about the kiddie porn than anything...
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