Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2006): Apparently it is normal. Your question is mine exactly as I'm going through the very same thing right now. I think it has to do with feelings of guilt and betrayal. Who knows how long that will take to be resolved.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (6 April 2006):
 OK I fully understand that you are hurting right now and after you had made such wonderful plans you feel that this man has let you down which just takes you back to the emotional turmoil of your marriage.
I think in this instance you should ask your man to go to counselling with you i.e. Relate as they can address all these issues that you are feeling and by sitting down with an impartial person who is trained to pick up on the problems that you are suffering right they can give sound advice to you both. I went through a lot of counselling with my ex and I can honestly say that it makes you stronger and able to listen to what the other person is saying.
It doesn't have to cost the earth either you just tell them how much you can afford so if they suggest £30 say you can only afford £20 and go from there. You may only need a couple of sessions but if your man loves you and you love him it is worth trying to resolve all these issues you have right now.
The crying all the time is the fact that you depressed right now as you feel that you have been let down. Go and talk to your doctor and see if rather than necessarily antidepressants see if you can go down a herbal route and definitely try and get into Relate as soon as possible.
You must try and least and then you may understand each other much more. Don't believe that you can't be with this man but just go and talk first.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, ltowndonna +, writes (5 April 2006):
ltowndonna is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am writing to say that we have talked in reference to my letter two weeks ago. It asked why he canceled the wedding and why I do not get little letters and notes that he promised me would never stop. Also why he has not told his deceased wifes family about me and so on. Well his answer is that he feels that it was too soon for him to remarry it has only been over a year. which again I understand but why make all those plans with me I am so hurt by this i feel something had to of happened but he says no. I just can not seem to forget this it is eating my heart everyday. He use to go all out for month anniversaries now I get nothing even after he told me he would make our next on special well guess what he forgot.I know this stuff may sound silly but it was very special to me because I never had this before I was in a terrible marriage for years and only stayed for my children. Now I am beginning to feel like he is only with me because he does not want to hurt me. He says that he loves me and wants to marry me one day. You know I do not have to get married all I want to know is he is the one that did all of this not me. I am not psycho a am a very intelligent person who fell in love with a wonderful man. All I want to do anymore is cry because maybe I am not cut out to be in a relationship. I am hurting my relationship with him because I harp on him canceling the wedding and not sending me letters and not telling his deceased wifes family about mebut it is tearing me up and i do not know how to feel. Am I crazy to feel this way? Should I not be hurt by this? Should it not bother me that all this stuff has ceased? How would you feel?
...............................
A
female
reader, ltowndonna +, writes (29 March 2006):
ltowndonna is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the advice I will keep you posted
...............................
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (29 March 2006):
You are putting yourself through hell right now and if you accused him of lying and deceit or you got so mad that he saw a different side of you then he is doing what every other man does and staying quiet. He is no different to most men in that way. Women talk and men go to their caves!!
I fully appreciate the fact that you don't want your children to lie and neither should you. Just don't go and tell him if he asks that you don't believe in lies and deceit. Just try and do your utmost to stay calm right now as being frustrated and showing it is not the way to go right now.
You need to give one another some space to stop and think about everything.
He is feeling a certain loyalty to his dead wife's sister and she has a right to see her nieces/nephews so he is between a rock and a hard place right now. He is just trying to do the right thing for his in-laws.
I bet he feels awful about not having you fully in his life but whilst you feel hurt and betrayed you knew what the situation was when you got together so in some ways when everything started to gallop along things had to slow down some time and so just take stock and don't contact him, let him come forward. He will if he knows that he is not going to get a mouthful of abuse and if you are calm and trying to be understanding he may open up to you more.
1 day of a sports day is not the rest of your lives together so don't get too put out.
Right now nothing is falling apart but it just depends on what you put in your letter. If you are asking him to make a choice then perhaps he can't right now.
Stay strong and I am here to talk if you want me.
BFN
...............................
A
female
reader, ltowndonna +, writes (29 March 2006):
ltowndonna is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for your answers but things are not getting any better. He still has not answered my letter or talked to me about this insecurities. Just today I found out his deceased wife's sister will be at one of there sports games and I can not go nor my children. If we do I am the babysitter or the kids are just their friends and I will not have my children lie. I am so confused now we are really falling apart because I got mad because I can not be known to his other family.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2006): Well i am not saying this to dissapoint you but i think he was very emotional at this time.Could you of possibly looked like his ex wife and mabe he wanted you to replace her?But now he has relised he wants to take things more slowly.Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (27 March 2006):
Sounds to me that this man of yours is trying to protect his deceased wife's family from further pain as he has found new love and a woman who is extremely special to him.
He is scared of hurting his in-laws as it hasn't been a year yet and I think most people consider that if a man or woman moves on before this time they have not really given themselves enough time to grieve and it is also considered to be disrespectful to the dead partner.
Try and understand it from his side of things, it hurts you to not be around him when the in-laws visit but his children still have grandparents and he is only trying to do the right thing.
I think he will respond to your letter but perhaps he is thinking about the right response.
One of the children could slip up in any case and then the cat is out of the bag but just be patient and I am sure things will go from strength to strength for you. If his children have accepted you then that is a massive hurdle in itself.
If true love is really there it will conquer this small bump in the road. Stay strong and positive and keep busy as it will help with the times when he is not around.
BFN
...............................
A
female
reader, ltowndonna +, writes (26 March 2006):
ltowndonna is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI knew this man was a widower from day one and it did not seem to matter to him. That is why we both had to decide if we knew what we were getting into before he proposed. He said he was ready but I guess that was not true. It has only been a little over a year since his wife past away she was ill for years. He has children and so do I they are all ok with our decision to marry. We both have a daughter and they may have their times but things are fine. He asked me to marry him and it took him three months just to tell his side of the family. He still has not mentioned me to his deceased wife family. Again I understand this to a certain point. They come into town and stay with him and I am not allowed around him for that time. I feel this is not fair but I try to handle it. as far as talking about my issues. He will not talk to me about them I feel like I am crazy to feel this way. I wrote him a letter almost a week ago and he has not responded.
...............................
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (25 March 2006):
Hi
I have read what you have said about the man you love who you have now found out is a widower.
I have also fallen for a widower and at the moment we are friends but it was like an arrow into my heart the first day I saw him walk into the school playground with his children. I did not know who he was, I just thought ooh dishy dad.
How long have you known this man? If it is only a short time then perhaps he sees being a widower as something he needs to keep to himself as it was his loss and pain.
Are there any children from his marriage? If yes then perhaps he is protecting them, if not then he is protecting himself from the pain right now. How long ago did his wife die? If it is a year or two then it is quite natural for a man to feel a sense of not moving on too quickly.
I have come to realise that time is of the essence in these situations, whilst you want to move forward and yes he has proposed and set up dates etc for a wedding it is right what the others have said in as much as the betrayal of his dead wife perhaps.
It wasn't like he ended his marriage due to a breakdown in the relationship, it ended because she died and all his expectations went out the window.
If you truly love this man then you need to talk to him, see if he has had any sort of grief counselling. Emotions are not something you have control over so if you love him just try and understand, support him and most definitely talk to him. He thought he was ready to move forward but he obviously still has issues he needs to deal with.
I really feel something strong for my widower and no matter what I cannot push him into something I just don't know if he wants or is ready for right now as it has only been 9 months since his wife died, even though she was ill for a period of approx 2 -3 years. Whilst I think it was a relief at the end that she was no longer suffering it is still early days for both him and his children. I have come out of a long term relationship and I think it is a waiting game and seeing if something more will come of it and making sure that if we do ever get closer then it has to be for love for one another and not being a crutch for the other person as this would just never be a relationship that has a future.
You need to ask yourself whether you are prepared to wait and support your man or if the whole wedding and marriage thing is the big event in your life. Love finds a way and so if you love him you will listen to him and work it out with him.
Good luck for the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (25 March 2006):
 I have to agree with Irish49, all men are different as are all women wether widowed or not, but loosing a loved one and then going through the grieving process and to what you think is the end of this process and feeling ready to marry again may have made him scarred as he will naturally be feeling he is betraying his dead wife, a woman he loved and cared for, this is natural and is not insurmountable with time and understanding.
If you can forgive and understand his cold feet and work with him to show him that you are not trying to take the place of his dead wife, then you may get him to marry you.
Could you just not live together for a set period of time that is agreed by both of you and then if you want to you could re-arrange the wedding.
I think you two will work through this and will eventually get married, just keep talking!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2006): One can't say this is typical for every man who has suffered the loss of a loved one. It sounds like you both may have moved too quickly on this whole marriage thing. Did you have a whirlwind courtship? It could be, he made the proposal without giving much thought as to whether he is over the grieving process. Some widowers do have problems with remarriage too soon after the death of a wife. He can be happy again but he does need to grieve before he moves on to a new relationship or the next phase of his life. I think you and he need to have a good talk about this and come to some sort of resolve. Grief counseling may help him. And perhaps with time, down the road..you two can pick up where you left off. I wish you both well and Good luck
...............................
| 