A
male
age
36-40,
*ncandesantwithrage
writes:So, a friend of mine is seeing this guy.. They started talking through Bumble. He's slightly older tha her, she's 22. They've only know each other a couple of weeks or so. He's a volunteer police officcer. So, they met at the weekend. Saturday he paid for her meal, took her food shopping like brought her breakfast bits and bobs stuff like that. Lip balm, cause she said her lips were dry. She got annoyed cause she felt guilty but she's very passive, she doesn't like saying no. He told her the only thing she was guilty off was being beautiful. He also gave her his contactless card for the tube. She told me he's the weirdest person to hang out with, taking down car regs numbers that he thought was there ong enough being that they could have been drug dealers or prostitutes etc. He has said to her that he made a "background check" on her uni house to see if there was any criminal activity yada yada yada to make sure she was safe. They had an incident at her uni house where the back door was open, she'd gone out, had noticed that was a car crime that day and this creepy guy rang the doorbell. He seemed to make a "threat" to her house mate (she's only just moved in) stating that he's a police officer and quite close if there's any grief. I'm starting to feel that he's controlling her. She's not really the best judge of character being naive. Her past "dates" weren't successful , she seems to find guys that either objectify her or treat her badly. Is this too much for a first and second date or is he just trying to control her?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 September 2017):
 OP, you'd rather not distance yourself because you have a crush on her, not just because she's a friend. You won't get over her unless you do.
Also, in order to have enough in common with her to be "extremely close" friends and consider her dateable, you must think like someone around her age, rather than your own, as she can only be as mature as a 22 year old. It's relevant because you're absolutely right that he's a creep she should avoid, but it's not completely non-creepy to like her at your age, if 30 - 35 is correct. That's a common opinion, not just mine, as you have more life experience than her and your relationship/friendship wouldn't be "equal", despite you probably wanting to say "we're definitely equals".
Anyway, tell her to be careful that he's going overboard and being controlling, then let her make her own decision. If she's this naive and needs to grow a backbone, she's not really ready for dating and it's not particularly safe, but you can't protect her from bad decisions.
A
male
reader, incandesantwithrage +, writes (30 September 2017):
incandesantwithrage is verified as being by the original poster of the question"not being funny" @andiesthought why do people always start a sentence with that and then proceed to say something that no one would ever perceive slightly humourous... anyway, that's your opinion. I've friends older, younger. etc. No younger than 18. We are extremely close. However, I agree with you on the back bone comment, she does. Her last "partner" was annoyed with her in the fact that she would forever vent about something or someone and not do anything about it.I can kinda see where she's coming from.
With regards to the distancing myself from her, I think she know's I like her anyway, and I'd rather not "distance" myself from her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2017): Honestly this is hilarious. This sounds like a Black Jack or late Peter Sellers film. He seems to be so immature and fake. In my opinion you should tell your friend what you think and let her judge for herself. She will see through him sooner or later. Honestly the world is full of weirdos.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 September 2017):
Not being funny, OP, but she's very young to be your friend. You are quite a bit older, so "he's slightly older" applies to you too.Anyway, whether he's a voluntary police officer or not, his controlling behaviour is worrying and I think she needs to grow a backbone to avoid dating creeps. However, you can't protect her. Tell her she needs to be careful because he's trying too hard to impress and it's unnerving, and shouldn't give a stranger her address so early on, then leave her to it.You need to distance yourself from her anyway. You've been an adult much longer than she has and your life stages are unequal. Create space until you get over your feelings for her. Yes, he's a creep, but you need to find someone closer to your own age and not focus on who she dates.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 September 2017):
 I am with Auntie BimBim
Volunteer policemen? Never heard of that. Firefighters, yes.. not policemen. That takes a lot of training. Then again, maybe they do have them in the UK - I have just never heard of them where I have lived (Denmark, Germany and the US)
So with that question... are you SURE he is ACTUALLY what he says he is? Or just a guy who WANTS to be a policeman? Someone who might have flunked out of the police training and now runs around pretending he is one... albeit a "volunteer" one. I agree with contacting the police station and asking those questions. It's OK to be worried for your friend and looking into it. Even if she hasn't asked.
(In the US, I know you can do background checks online for $20 - for a year, they are limited in what you can find out but you can dig up a lot of dirt that way).
This has creepy written ALL over it.
He is controlling her and manipulating her with ease. A naive person is NOT hard to manipulate.
And I do think he could be dangerous.
I do think it IS best to not try and tell her what's what if you have feelings for her because that will just seem like you are trying to make yourself look a better partner than him. And with this guy being this "weird"? Yeah, I'd tell her you to get a creepy vibe from him and let her judge for herself.
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A
male
reader, incandesantwithrage +, writes (30 September 2017):
incandesantwithrage is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Youcannotbeserious - I dunno how to tag to on this thing lol. I kinda believe he is a Special, my older cousins one. But, it flagged up alarm bells, when he was jotting down the car regs when he was with her. To me, he could have endangered her if they did turn out to be drug dealers etc. She told me he was paid , now is "volunteering" Also, when he started intimidating her house mate, she'd only just moved in, literally. It's one way to lose friends - if I was that house mate I would go out of my way to ignore her. He is apparently a director of his father's shop. And he's doing a PHD at the moment. I kinda have feelings for her myself , but I don't think she's interested and I'm trying to look out for her regardless of my feelings for her . I have tried to warn her, but she doesn't seem to listen, so I'm letting her find out for herself.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 September 2017):
 Shaking my head in disbelief at how naive some women can still be. Despite all the advice out there to keep safe when meeting someone off the internet, she has given this guy her address?
I doubt he really is a Special. If he is, he must have another job as well as volunteering for this role is usually only very limited hours.
Given the way you describe his behaviour, my gut instinct is that he is a fantasist. He would like to be in the police force so he could control people so he pretends he is and takes on the role of being a Special as if he were a proper police officer (who would not be going over the top in their supposed hunt for drug dealers, etc, while off duty). He is just showing off and trying to impress - in a very immature way.
I suspect your gut instinct about him trying to control her could be right. However, given her age, she is an adult and should be allowed to make up her own mind. She needs to learn to say "no" before this inability gets her into serious trouble. There is nothing wrong with saying to someone "I really don't feel comfortable with that yet" and walking away.
Like you I have grave misgivings about this man. Please tell your friend to be careful.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 September 2017):
 Do they have "volunteer police officers" in the UK? What is their usual role? Do they have access to the same data bases as the regular, or non volunteer police officers that would enable him to do a background check?
My advise is for you to visit your closest police station and ask them the above questions ... they might request a name or more information, there are laws in the UK against impersonating a police officer.
When you have the answers to the questions above take them to your naïve friend.
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