A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a married man with a disabled wife, and I suffer from extreme caretaker's depression because of it.Recently I ran into a divorced lady of about my age, who used to be friend of my wife's (they turned out to be very non-compatible and broke off the relationship.)Then it turned into secret phone calls, emails, and meeting at supermarkets etc to go shopping together.Then it turned into occasional visits at her place, but all very platonic, and I would fix her computer, etc, and we talk.We are very good friends now, and I keep teasing her about how we better not get horizontal on the couch. I know if it gets sexual, I am going to get burned.I then suggested that she write a letter of apology to my wife about the friendship breakup and ask to re-connect as friends again. My wife did not respond.Now, I haven't had sex with my wife for years because of her disability, but the "quality" of our home life seems a bit better because I am not so depressed. I see this as a positive to continue my platonic relationship with this "other woman"But I still feel that this is flirting with disaster, and significantly, I feel dependent on the relationship and the status quo could shatter anytime for unknown reasons - but I am very good at controlling myself to not make a pass at this woman. Do anyone feel that I need to consider altering this course I am on?
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male
reader, crawldaddy +, writes (2 July 2014):
I totally agree that you should tell your wife about how you miss your sex life and find out what she can do to help the situation. OMG Its so hard to imagine how you feel and as for your wife it must be hell. If I had a debilitating illness or injury I would insist that she be able to have a life and a break from the burn-out of care and frustration of not being able to breathe. I would want her to have a liaison now and again just to give her some balance who knows she might not resent me for being sick now I think that's love. I'm just saying
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 June 2014):
 So well put by the Uncles :) And I agree, it sounds like you are making your wife out to be a stone around your neck that you bear in a "marthyr manner" and thus "deserve" to have a little "whatever you call that" on the side. YOU are cheating on your wife emotionally and your excuse is... it's your wife's fault and you are depressed. Well, bucko.. HOW do you think your wife will feel when she finds out? And yea, she will eventually hear about this. YOU OK with her being even more destroyed then her illness is doing to her?
My question is this, if this woman (whom you are "seeing") is someone you wife can't stand or like WHY pick her, off ALL the women out there was she really the best choice?
How about GROWING a set and TALK to your wife? TELL her what you miss. And I want to bet she misses the SAME things.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (28 June 2014):
I think WiseOwlE has summed it up perfectly so please listen to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): As C. Grant has indicated, we responded to a similar post; where a husband complained of a sexless-marriage. He raised a very important point; that neither of you mention anything about your wives. Mentally, you have relegated her to be a useless figure in your life. Requiring care, but a drain on your emotions.
I did ask the other gentleman what the nature of his wife's disability is? What is yours? How incapacitated is she, that she can't do anything sexually? Is she totally immobile, paralyzed? Is she bed-ridden?
Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if you are the OP of both posts. It wouldn't matter. They're interchangeable, as far as the advice we can offer you.
After reading both posts(which are eerily similar in subject-matter); I venture to say, that you really want to leave your wives. You are secretly dating the other woman, and in theory searching for your wife's replacement.
You say you are depressed. Your spouse is your mate, and she is the one you turn to for relief, release, and companionship. I'm sure if she is disabled, she is depressed also. The lack of any description and nothing said with affection about her, clearly tells all of us you have little to no feeling left for her. You simply keep her around; because it's less complicated and perhaps more humane, than a divorce. There are better ways to handle your situation than you have thus far.
If the situation was reversed, it would be quite painful for you, if your wife sought solace and comfort in the arms of another man. Compassion and much empathy goes out to you in your situation; but the same has to be offered for your wife. She's the one physically suffering to the degree she is unable to fulfill your needs. She is apparently too ill to offer her life-partner sexual-intimacy.
It still isn't certain if it is due to her physical incapacitation, or lack of sex-drive. We do know that the other woman is fully-functional. You speak far more of her, than you do of your wife. So I feel justified in all my speculation.
Perhaps you don't describe anything about your wife; because you have already "psychologically-divorced" her. You feel comfortable enough to see another woman. Consciously, or subconsciously; you hope to find her replacement. Maybe then, you'll legally divorce her.
If you are depressed, see a doctor for treatment and prescribed-therapy. Discuss your feelings with your wife, and determine if she has any desire at all for sex. Tell her how much you miss it. If you love her, tell her that too.
You can't live a lifetime with a person you cannot share your thoughts and feelings. She's your partner, not a roommate or a boarder. If she is keeping you from living the life that you would prefer; then you have a decision to make.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 You are describing an 'emotional affair.' While certainly understandable, it's not commendable. The fact that you've thought it through to say "...if it gets sexual, I am going to get burned" means you've considered it becomming sexual. Which means you're playing with fire. While you've described your friendship with this woman and how that has alleviated your depression, all you've said about your wife is that she's disabled and that you haven't had sex for years. Which further suggests that on some level you're considering taking things farther with your friend.
We had someone here the other day asking for permission to cheat as his marriage was sexless. And we all pretty much reminded him that his vows were "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health." Sadly you're on the dirty end of that stick. The honourable thing to do is to remain faithful to your wife, or to end the marriage. Unless your wife says otherwise, there's no middle ground.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (28 June 2014):
Your wife may be disabled but that does not have to mean no sex. Tell her about your feelings on this matter and ask to see a sex therapist together. You can't be expected to have no sex all your life. You are supposed to be a team and if this lack of intimacy is driving you towards an affair then you owe it to your wife to allow her to be part of the solution. If she won't help, then you need to consider your future and tell your wife what that may mean for your marriage. Would she risk losing you?
You do deserve some happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee, that is why I asked. I was depressed and desperate for relief.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): That depends, OP, are you emotionally cheating on your wife?
Sounds to me like you are and I don't know what the whole letter to your wife thing is about? You say they're very incompatible, why would you make her write a letter?
Frankly, OP, this all sounds a bit off.
How does she feel about you being close friends with this woman? A woman she does not get on with at all suddenly becomes your best friend? I wouldn't dream of becoming friends with someone like that. I love my wife's friends but if they become her former friends then they're my former friends too and they stay that way. I'll give them the time of the day but I won't start building such a close friendship with a person like that at all. That's too close to home, for me you're already crossing a line there.
You know if you making sexual comments to her is something your wife wouldn't appreciate or would feel betrayed by then that's cheating.
Either alter the course or get your wife's permission. You know where this is headed, and self-control is limited for everyone. We all have our moments of weakness, let this be as weak as you get and pull back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): Now let's see:
"Then it turned into secret phone calls, emails, and meeting at supermarkets etc to go shopping together."
If this were innocent, you wouldn't be doing it behind your wife's back. It turns out, she's someone your wife decided to discontinue friendship with. Total betrayal if you ask me. Setting-up your wife to be sabotaged by a possible enemy. Tick this lady off, and the first thing she's going to do is tell your wife.
Then there's this:
"We are very good friends now, and I keep teasing her about how we better not get horizontal on the couch. I know if it gets sexual, I am going to get burned."
Inappropriate flirtations. It wasn't joking. It was a veiled proposition. "Throw it out there every now and then; and see if she bites!" You're a slick one, you are!
Well, first you tied the noose. Then you found yourself a tall tree. Now you're climbing that tree. All you have to do, is put the noose around your neck... and jump.
It isn't platonic, if you're making passes. It's an affair waiting to happen. Your wife is going to go through your stuff and find your communication. If the lady doesn't tell her first.
It was wrong to begin with. Why did you have to do it in secret? Why would it be someone who your wife doesn't care for? Why didn't you just go out, and have a straight-up affair? That's what you're really up to.
You're going to get more than burnt. You're going to lose half your property and assets.
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